Hello everyone. <P>Tomorrow my husband and I are having coffee and to spend some time talking. I recently asked him how counseling was going (we go both together and separately, but lately more separately) and he alluded that he is learning some things. I asked him what, in excitement, because that was what I first wanted to hear from him when I found out about the affair. I always asked "What have you learned from this?"<P>Anyway, I am very scared and not very optomistic. I am curious to hear how he is feeling and his current state of mind, but there is something very foreboding about this. I have a feeling that I am going to feel extremely inadequate and that he is going to once again point out all the reasons that we are not "compatible". BUT, he has told me that he is not asking for a divorce YET. Lucky me...<P>Does anyone have any thoughts on this, or an opinion about when a divorce might actually be good for the mental well being of everyone involved? If I thought we could make a good, clean, caring divorce would it be easier on the children? Would it make me a weak person?<P>Thank you all for reading this and for taking the time to respond. A couple of weeks ago you may have read my "I feel dead inside" post....well, not anymore. I hurt terribly and cannot find the right path.<P>Love to you all, LL

Damm - I just wrote you a long post about my experience and lost it - basically it was to say just try very hard to listen. I am not a good listener - I always want to jump to the answer! But h is not a good talker - and does not share his emoptional feeling easily - so I have really tried hard to listen empathetically - and to say very little except to tell him how I appreciate his efforts to talk and share his feelings and to encourage him - no matter what he says - and then i go away and think about it - it is really important not to be judgemental or to over-react on the spot. Good luck<P>R

LL; I reallly don't have an answer other than I am the BS and I filed for the D on 1/3/01 and REGRET it now. At that time I felt that I had tried (not MB way, but wasn't sure what else to do) and my husband said he didn't want to work on the marriage anymore. <P>I am actually contemplating stopping the Divorce on my end and if he wishes to file against me, then he will have to do it. <P>Divorce S2cks. But I think D is worse when precipitated by an A and both persons did not serioulsy work on resolving their issues. (at least in my perspective) As I told my H, if we had worked (for at least 3 months) on our issues and we Both decided that it just wasn't going to work out, then I think we might having a Caring, less contentious D. Otherwise, I don't think a caring D is possible.<P>When your love bank is soooo low, then plan B, and then if all fails, ?Divorce. A very personal decision. Not to be made in anger but with rational , clear thinking.<P>Hopelssmom

LearningLife ... it's me again.<P>Don't worry about what your husband is learning from his counseling sessions... worry only about what YOU are learning... What is your counselor telling you? What are you learning about yourself that will help you feel better? If you are not learning about you, then I would find another counselor. At the very least, I would consider asking for a change in your anti-depressant prescription, because you ALWAYS sound depressed - and that is not going to help you or your marriage or help you make an informed and rational decision about whether or not to end it.<P>You are still looking to place blame, you are looking for your husband to wallow in self-blame. It isn't going to happen, and waiting for it, looking for it or encouraging it is only going to result in your continuously feeling dissatisfaction and be depressed about your situation. You are not looking for the positive, you are not looking AT the positive.<P>Believe me, I am NOT saying that your husband was right, affairs are NEVER right. But right now, if you are remotely interested in saving your marriage - heck, if you are remotely interested in saving your sanity - you need to do some work on you without worrying about whether or not he has learned his lesson... you are continuing to put him on the defensive, and he will never be able to tell you if he feels like he has learned anything because he feels you will be saying and feeling triumph at his admission... Nobody wants to feel like that.<P>LL, are you happy with who you are? Are you happy with your life with or without your husband? Use this time of separation to work on YOU - your behavior and your feelings are the only ones you can change. And in changing yourself, it will automatically change the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. You may find that you don't want him back - but you will need to find YOU before you can make that decision...<P>As always, the spirit of this post is intended to be enlightening, not mean...<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hello,<P> Your fault my fault. etc. Really is a lot of work. My H said he did not feel loved. No matter whose fault it is, he did not. Does that make since? My H travel for a living, so how do you fill their needs? They aren' home. So you see my dilema? Just listen to him. That is all you can do. I really think it just makes them feel better, and we do want them to feel better...because we treasure them.<P> Lots of Hugs and Prayers,<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb

Obviously a decision about whether to divorce is very personal. Although I am not opposed to divorcing, I recommend that you not take the decision lightly, especially by believing that a divorce will be better for your mental well-being. I came to this conclusion after reading, "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. I strongly recommend that you read this book BEFORE you make any decision regarding divorce.<P>According to the author, many unhappy people believe that their spouse is the cause of their unhappiness and initiate a divorce believing that their unhappiness will be gone along with the spouse. However, that is often not the case. Often, the unhappiness remains for YEARS and follows the divorcee into a subsequent marriage. Accordingly, the author recommends "divorcing the old marriage and beginning a new one--but with the SAME spouse." There is even a section in the book on affairs and how marriages can survive affairs. Please read this book and have your husband read it, too. Then, if you still want a divorce--at least you know what you are getting into.<P>I also want you to know that I understand what you are going through. I want my marriage to work, but I am not sure that I ultimately won't divorce my WS. However, after reading this book (as well as Dr. Harley's materials) I want to at least try to make my marriage work. Hope this helps.<P>Dolphin<p>[This message has been edited by dolphin (edited March 06, 2001).]

I would just like to interject as a person who did go through with the divorce and wished I wouldn't have. <P>I could go back and forth with his fault, my fault, his fault, my fault - and I would be right. It was BOTH of our fault. Was a marriage that had stood the test of time and lasted two decades worth trying harder to save, no matter what the consequences? At the time, when I hurt so much and was so so tired, no, it didn't seem like it. But now, months later, all I can say is YES, it was worth it, he was worth it, I was worth it - but now it's too late.<P>Don't be stuck in a situation like mine. Just make sure this is what you REALLY want. Regrets suck.<P>------------------<BR>I just want to sit in the garden in peace~~<P>*Statue*