Hello, everyone. Wife is struggeling to get orgams. This has been a case for most of 19 years of marriage. We just latley started talking about it. Would someone with a similar experience to share it wit me? I need advice. Thanks.

justdoit,<p>I don't have this problem....but I think that one of the reasons I don't...is because I know what brings me to orgasm. Can your wife bring herself to orgasm? If she can....she can show you. If she cannot....then there is a bigger problem...either physical or mental which is preventing her release. A doctor is the one to get to the bottom of the latter problems. Hopefully, if you are lucky, it's just a communication problem....she hasn't communicated exactly what she needs. Many women have problems with vaginal Os....but if you can't even get her there orally....you need to ask more questions.

Keep in mind that all orgasms, ones achieved through intercourse and ones achieved manually or orally come from the very same place-the clitoris. There is no physical difference in their origin.
A majority of women cannot come through intercourse, mainly because it is not performed in a way that involves direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris. There's a ton of reasons why this is and I won't elaborate but suffice to say the motion of the ocean and all that is part of it and well, size also plays a role.
I would have to ask, does your W masterbate? If not that may be the problem. Women sometimes need to experiment and find out what pleases them and also become more comfortable with their bodies. If she's not exploring maybe this is something you can play around with together.

Thanks. Yes, my wife does masturbate, and she does get O. Lately, she started doing it while I am watching her. But, she doesn't get O by intercourse. We are talking about it, but I am worried that talking will actually increase pressure on her. I also think that lenght of intercourse is important, and it is not always that long, because of me...However, I noticed that her O during masturbation doesn't take too long time. I would appreciate your comments. Thanks.

To assist your wife, ther are plenty of self-help avenues to go down. For example, picking up Cosmo or other magazines that offer sexual advice can give her some ideas. Learning how to masturbate herself is a must. She must learn how to please herself and what she likes.
Take it slow.
You can play a game of hot and cold, touching her in various parts of the body, massaging various parts, sexual and non-sexual and ask her to give you a signal if it is a hot spot or cold spot.
Variate with tongue, hands, genitals-use your imagination.
She may orgasm or may not, but when she gets a real hot spot, then keep it up.
Read up on how to perform expert oral.
Oral with manual stim. is amazing, such as you gently pressing your tongue into her clit while playing and inserting two fingers twisted together in a gentle corkscrew fashion while humming or licking her clit may make her orgasm. Otherwise, start with a clit stimulator from the sex shops or a g-spot stimulator and practise placing alternatively the g spot stim while you perfom oral, then insert your penis while she ahs clitoral stim.
It'll work [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by justdoit:
<strong>Would someone with a similar experience to share it wit me?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Ah! That would be me!<p>Most important is that your wife is pleased in all, and pleased with you to begin with, on all conceivable accounts. (I say "conceivable" because it's possible that some things just can't or aren't going to happen)<p>Then, be sure of your own reason for concern - If you are very concerned for your wife's sake, then do your very best to please her.
...if instead though, it is that it's at all selfward motivated (that you'd like to experience your "wife experiencing" an orgasm, then go back to the start of this paragraph and then do your very best to please her.<p>...You see, I believe there is no shortage of advice on how to get a woman to achieve orgasm. It can be found in certainly many bona-fide publications and even medical literature. Someone (like me) who's (formerly) very concerned over the absence of the orgasm might be inclined to spend great long hours familiarizing themselves with all the clinical terminology and analysis of the female human anatomy (I take great pride in knowing precisely what a "Bartholin's Gland" is) but that does pretty much zero good when it comes to getting the wife to have an orgasm. Not limiting myself to just “medical documents” wasn’t very fruitful, either.<p>References to the clitoris, G-spot, various positions to facilitate more effective friction, and all the whole host of advice is out there for the taking. . . but I’m looking at similar experience and seeing a particular possibility – it’s that if in 19 years your wife’s not been very inclined toward having orgasms in sex, then that’s a fairly safe bet that if you and she have been conscientiously trying at all ever then it could be another 19 years before you get any measure of success. I’d be willing to bet that none of the advice you read will be “new” to you at all.
. . . of that, and of myself I supposed that it must be that I need to try harder as a husband to please my wife in this regard. And I won’t give you the long, long, long story of that, but a summary. Intent on that I (willingly, though beyond what was even pleasant for me) dished out hours of oral, tons of this and that sort of swishing, flicking, massaging (and all the other “advice” terms you’re liable to hear) only to find that instead of short sex with no wife-O, I made it into looooong sex with still no wife-O.
. . . My wife hasn’t ever been one to withhold sex (maybe not be very participative, but NOT withhold) but eventually she did seem to pretty clearly not want sex at all.
And I asked her why, and she said, ”Because you seem to think that if we have sex then it has to be a two-and-a-half-hour ordeal every time”. My initial reaction to that was to hide my attitude but I did slink out into the back yard and pout for a while. (Ah, the nerve of her when it was only that I was trying to please her to begin with!!?!?)<p>So, please don’t be discouraged. . . for one thing, you did say your wife will masturbate and that she can orgasm when she does – that’s a plus because it indicates an uninhibitedness, AND that she’s physically able to orgasm.
. . . so question only your intent, so that you don’t prepare yourself, or the both of you for disappointment if it works out such that orgasms aren’t necessarily going to be a part of sex for her. It’s much more important that she feels contented with you, and that she’s not bound by expectations (that she may not necessarily perceive as entirely selfless even if they are) that will set up a “goal” or a standard for her.<p>I’d say that if there’s room and an avenue for improvement, then cultivate that good thing, but just be sure of why this is a concern for you before you press very intently.<p>Besides, if you have 19 years together, then it would loosely stand to reason that you’re doing something right already!<p>Be well

Nduli2, you say '..size also plays a role.' I am be slow today, but would you expans what you mean by it? ilmf, yes, I am very concerned for wife's sake! I want her to enjoy it. carina dream, we do do a lot of oral. wife enjoys it, but not always. she seems always concerned as to how I feel, what I smell, etc. However, while she gets very hot and excited during oral sex (and I do finger her as well while giving her oral sex), she doesn't have O either. This is sort of weird. Wouldn't oral sex be as stimulating and exciting as masturbation? If so, why no O!!! Man, I am confused. Please, try to unconfuse me Thanks.

*clears throat* wow, okay this is gonna be a bit personal.<p> In my former marriage I can say I never, ever had the big O from direct intercourse. Sessions were long and there was plently of foreplay but no dice. I had 'em very easily any other way but not that way. 10 years of that.<p> In my new relationship I have them every time and very easily, I was shocked, I didn't think it was possible.<p> Now there are two major differences differences between exH and now, one is emotional connection. I much more connected intimately with my current h than my ex H and two is size, current h outranks ex h in that respect.(wow, I just got a little smug smile on my face typing that. Hehe, wonder why he was such a jerk after all. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ) Which is the one making the difference? Not one hundred percent sure and it may be both but well, the difference in size is pretty apparent.<p> That being said I say once again, the majority of women do not achieve orgasm through intercourse. It's normal and don't feel like a failure(or make her feel like a failure) because of that. You love each other and please each other and that's more than a lot of people have.<p> Also, please keep in mind this is from my experience only, not implying you're "less than". For all I know it might just be my complete and utter devotion and love for my current h which makes intercourse better for me. My ex h was a little bit of a jerk.<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: Nduli2 ]</p>

justdoit,
From what you said it sounds like your wife doesn't orgasm from oral sex because she's self conscious about her smell and taste. I wouldn't let my H do oral on me for a long time unless I had some flavoured sauce on we got from the stag shop. Have you or could you try that? It helped me so just trying to pass it on. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks, everyone. roseyhue37, I will take your adsvice. I am still wondering why would she have O by masturbating and not by oral sex. It just makes it even more complicated. Any advice is welcome.

Turn it around. Generally speaking no one can tune into our reactions as well as we can ourselves. If she or you couldn't give yourselves an O quicker than the other, that would be surprising. It's just more fun with a partner. The direct feedback is efficient, the partner thing is more interesting.<p>Take care

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Nduli2:
<strong>*
That being said I say once again, the majority of women do not achieve orgasm through intercourse. It's normal and don't feel like a failure(or make her feel like a failure) because of that. You love each other and please each other and that's more than a lot of people have.
.<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: Nduli2 ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hear, hear Nduli2. My wife never achieves O through intercourse alone. I underscore ALONE...she masturbates DURING intercourse. She also enjoys being "filled up" plus all the other bells and whistles. I don't really mind either. It's the bells and whistles part that I like (foreplay, verbal, role-playing)--plus the filling part , so I don't care whether our lovemaking satisfied some picture-perfect ideal.<p>
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Nduli2:
<strong>size also plays a role</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
God, that is depressing.<p>Even though I am not small, I wonder if it would be better if I were just a bit bigger.<p>grr

Thanks. mark2002, I do not want to be too descriptive, but I really need help. Would you explain what else is included in bells and whistles? I think W and I have a very enjoyable foreplay. Lately, verbal part of our love making is good as well. What is a role-playing thing? Yours and others advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Do be depressed there Slappy, as I said it may just be because I'm so madly and disgustingly in love with this man that I'm able to be completely comfortable in the act. Can't be sure, my experience is really limited in that area.

Justdoit,<p>Sounds great! (Your response to my question regarding "why")<p>A summary of my long discertation then would be just to not let it stress either of you out.<p>I'd say that what Nduli2 said about 1) emotional connection and 2) size making a difference has a great deal of merit.
...I'll leave off remarks about #2 of myself because no man can be trusted to be honest about that anyway, and besides we're all endowed ever and only however we're endowed and that's just a matter of fact. (Or, if one is honest and says something humble then it sounds like false modesty, or if one is honest and uses a word like, "behemoth", then everyone thinks, "yeah, right!" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>But of #1, "emotional connection" - that is another matter altogether since it is within our power to at least cultivate a better emotional connection. And in a round-about way that was some of what I was talking about - I thought later yesterday after I did post all of that long sermon that I never really got around to the "results" or where "I and my wife" have come to with all that.
But that when I did finally come to the realization that I had gained so much momentum in my efforts to get my wife to achieve orgasms I was way, way, way, way beyond reasonable effort so that it was that I was flailing, as it were. (Imagine that I was trying to swim instead, and it would have been that at some point that I'd begun to struggle and thrash so hard that I was all but drowning, when all I had to do was relax a little and just take easy strokes and glide along a bit more gracefully).
The result? OK, I believe that a particularly stellar sex life will not necessarily ever blossom out of that realization, but a much better "emotional connection" (because for one thing I'd in that way released "her" from another expectation that wasn't so much spoken as it was perceived). Orgasms? I'm not sure... and not very often even so, but a great deal more confidence that on those occasions that my wife and I have sex that it's mutually enjoyable and is bonding, rather than a couple of people struggling to achieve something.<p>That's all...
And I realize that it's a partial reiteration of some of the things I posted yesterday, but the relative urgency of your concern just does a little bit inspire me to caution against "trying to hard"... because enjoying the experience mutually is pretty important, and if you aren't careful and it turns into a success/failure type of thing, then that could conceivably be counterproductive to emotional elements of your relationship... a subtle downturn then, if emotional connection has much to do with it, and then the old "circle" begins.<p>To propose accepting less doesn't seem necessarily very appealing nor encouraging, but the whole sum of what I'm on about is to encourage you against disappointment, and all at the same time to continue always to try and do and be your best in reasonable measure! Certainly not only in sex, but in all regards!<p>It's good that you and your wife are open and talking and working mutually on this account. I think that alone promises a great deal and it's reasonable to have high hopes!<p>be well

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by justdoit:
<strong>for most of 19 years of marriage</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh yeah... our 19th is next month<p>....been at it a while, m'seff
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Nduli2:
<strong>Do be depressed there Slappy</strong><hr></blockquote><p>OK, I will.

ilmf, thank you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> But, she doesn't get O by intercourse. <hr></blockquote><p>According to the stats I've read on the issue, about 33% of MARRIED women NEVER do orgasm through intercourse.