I can tell that there is a lot of valuable info here for me. I'll keep reading and hopefully learn from others' experience. <BR>More than 8 weeks ago I realized that my husband was having an affair with a coworker. I spent two weeks trying to convince him, through my changed behavior, that he didn't want to continue with her. I was also making the necessary arrangements to get evidence if he went away with her on the trip they had planned. I was determined that we weren't going to have another conversation where he acted like I was crazy to suspect him. Well, suprize, they went away together anyway and I got the necessary evidence. I had his stuff packed when he came home from there outing together. He wants to come home. He's living at his mother's(very near our home) which isn't very comfortable for him. I still see or talk to him almost daily. Him and the OW both stand a good chance of losing there jobs because of this in the near future. They still see each other at work daily. The OW, who is also married and has 3 children, has stayed with her husband. Especially for our young daughter, I have tried to get him to agree on a IR divorce. When he made it clear he wanted to come home, I gave him 3 "have to's" 1) leave his job where he still sees her daily, 2) us go to counseling, 3) sign divorce agreement. Now, more than 6 weeks after being confronted with what he'd done, we have an appt. 3/8 to go to counseling. Looking at the MB info, confirms my gut instinct that I can't count on us working things out to live together again until he GETS AWAY FROM BEING AROUND HER! We've been married for almost 19 years and for most of the last 6 or 7 years, we were not meeting each other's needs. I'd given up on getting any more from him as far as affection, respect, admiration, etc.... and the price that he paid for that...a less than involved, enthusiastic sexual partner. I had given up after trying for many years to get what I needed and at that point decided I wasn't going to give much either. Apparently, he went looking for what he was missing. Also, when we married, I was very needy. I guess that fed his ego. I'd gotten stronger and more confident over the years as I succeeded and accomplished things in my career. He must have felt less and less needed. He still tried to control me, and sometimes still succeeded, but not nearly as often. Everything was getting out of his control...He found a way to get the upper hand though didn't he!?! <BR>I can see I'm rambling...I try to stay calm now (I cried for a least 3 weeks straight) and be reasonable in my dealing with him. I'm trying to leave the door open to a better future together, but it's hard knowing that he still has at least a contiued emotional connection with the OW DAILY. They will still be working together for at least another 2 1/2 months. That eats me alive!!! He wants sex with me, I feel like that's only because she's unavailable to him (for the time being anyway) and he knows that that would be a major barrier for me to let down. I'm not resisting his hugs and kisses well. This is quite a rambling. Help, Anyone?<BR>

GAJ - ramble away! Sounds like you have good sense. I'm male, but our stories are similar and it was my wife who had to escape. If you haven't already done so, get the books Surviving an Affair by Harley and I recommend Private Lies by pittman.<P>Even though you have an appointment already scheduled, consider an appointment by your self with Steve Harley. You can compare what you hear from the first counselor and get Steve's assessment of both your situation and the other counselor's advice.<P>You have come to the right place, you'll get a lot of compassion and support here. Read, read, read and understand that your H has to make some decisions on his own that you cannot force.<P>WAT

Thanks, WAT. I ordered "Surviving..." yesterday. I'm anxious to read it. I will look for the other book you recommend. I have someone locally scheduled to talk to next week. It's a counselor that I trust, she was someone that I saw when I was working on myself on other matters. But, this isn't her area of expertise. She's just a good objective ear. I may try calling Harley after Thursday. That should be an interesting meeting. I'm not expecting much honesty on his part. I think he's looking for someone to "straighten me out." Possibly manipulating for "evidence" that he was willing to try to work things out if this winds up in court. I'm so suspicious of his motives at this point!!! I do love him, I do value my family, but I DON'T TRUST HIM! I appreciate any input/insight.

CAJ,<P> Welcome, you have come to the right place. We all never wanted to be here. You are in shock. My H did the same thing, in fact we were married for 19 years, also. Your marriage sounds like mine. I figured I should have been the one to go over the deep end, but my H did it instead. Never had time for anyone. He also met her on the job. Hers though not his. Spent a lot of time at her place of employment, asbout 1 month straight, without coming home. They worked quite closely on her project. He helped to much. Ignored me helped her. He got caught up, way before I even realized what was going on. I caught him in the middle of his act. According to the Harleys, I was to late. I could do nothing!!to stop it. It had to run its course. It is very painful, I know. I did not find this site until Nov. 200. I was in recovery by then. It went on for a few more months after DD. March 17,2000<P> You are very fortunate to get to this site early on. Wonderful, understanding people here.!! I love them dearly.<BR> They have saved my sanity.<P><BR> Come back often!!!! We care!!!<P> Lots of Prayers and Hugs<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Deb

GAJ - I think you're appropriately suspicious. My wife very early on also agree to counseling, but it turned out to be a choreographed ruse duplicated by OM and his wife - just so they could say they tried. One solution to this is to schedule the next appointment before you leave the first. If he's just trying to build evidence that he tried for his future legal defense, one appointment won't doit. Oldest trick in the books according to my lawyer.<P>Consider letting him come home. You can demonstrate your improvements much better if he's there.<P>Back off on the divorce demand. This is a threat that may just drive him more towards OW. It is not consistent with recovering your marriage.<P>Bite you lip. Don't fuss at him or make him mad. This will take a lot of self control on your part. Let him know that you want to recover the marriage and you're willing to make the necessary changes in yourself. Then do it and show it.<P>WAT