Hi terri,<P>I don't want to respond yet to my other post, but wanted to talk to you.<P>I APPRECIATE YOUR INSIGHT. I KNOW YOU ARE NOT MEAN...<P>To respond to some of your concerns...I guess I feel like I have multiple personalities. At work and when my husband is not "in my face" I am actually quite happy. I have learned SO much about myself in counseling. The most significant thing lately is that I am much stronger and desireable than I have been made to feel. For many, many years, my H as called me jealous and insecure. I had learned to believe him. What I have learned now is that that is not necessarily me by nature. He has done so many things in our relationship to contribute to feelings of jealousy and insecurity. My counselor believes that he has basically neglected our relationship for many years. This has caused me to question my value to him and therefore feel insecure, which in turn results in my appearing "needy" to him. I AM NEEDY!!! I HAVE BEEN AFFECTION STARVED FOR A LONG, LONG TIME!<P>So, I have learned alot about myself. I need affection and love in my life in a relationship. I am quite strong when alone. It's just that every time he calls or comes over to see the kids, I question if maybe I should be trying harder to save my marriage and yes, that causes me great depression. I guess you don't get to see my happy side because it is not relavent to the things I need to talk about on this board. I get overwhelmed and anxious and depressed whenever I am around him.<P>I smile at him, I try to be light hearted and you can just hear the gloom in his voice. I told him the other night, "can't you just pretend to enjoy being around me?!" I am so tired of trying to be nice and not do those LB things and he just seems so unemotional either way...down, depressed, rather not be with me, etc...why doesn't HE just leave? That sure would make things easier?<P>Thanks a bunch, terri.<P>If there is every anything I can do for you, please let me know.<P>-LL

Thanks for the explanation, LL. I hate to make assumptions, but was going only on what you have posted.<P>One thing that troubles me is when a counselor tells you what was wrong in a relationship having heard just one side of it. I am not saying that you have said anything wrong to your counselor, just that you have only told your side of things and we (human beings in general) are notorious for having a relatively skewed view of our realities no matter how objective we try to be. I have been in the position of having very low self-esteem, and for a long time, couldn't decide if my low self-esteem and depression helped my husband become vulnerable to an affair, or if his affair caused my low self-esteem and depression. But my 'epiphany' so to speak, was the realization that it didn't matter. It didn't matter because all it would do would be to "place blame" and it wouldn't solve anything. I decided that I had to work on me and NOT to blame my husband for everything. Granted, he is very much the only one at fault for his affair, but we both contributed to the downfall of our marriage. Blame has no place here, and it feels better for me to let go of that need to place it.<P>I push and tug at you because I fervently wish I could be in your position with my own husband. I know that we could be happy together if he would give us a chance. Your husband hasn't given up - he still wants to see you and be with you. If he didn't, believe me, he wouldn't be spending any time with you at all.<P>My best advice: Don't think about whether or not he is enjoying being around you - ACT AS IF he is. Act as if you are having the time of your life. He can't help but follow along and eventually both of you will truly be having the time of your lives with each other.<P>Please don't give up. It is not fair that after all the crap our WS's put us through that we have to be the ones capable and willing to do the work of beginning the reconciliation and recovery process, but, it is all too often the only way it is going to happen. Once it starts to feel good for both of you, he will participate more enthusiastically. I believe with all my heart and soul that most of us can get there if we have the courage and the strength to try. I know that you and your husband can be a success story, too.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>