Ok, he's been spending ALOT of time here with me. . we were together all weekend (including Monday-when everything was closed from all the snow). He was here last night. Now tonight he said he's going out & he will talk to me tomorrow. I've got this feeling that he's going w/OW. .I guess just because he didn't give me many details-I don't ever ask for any, just if he's not going w/her he usually makes sure I know. Maybe I'm wrong, but it's just a feeling I have. What am I going to do about it anyhow?? It makes it so much easier for me to not be angry when I realize that my anger isn't going to change anything.<P>When we were together over the weekend he brought up OW a few times & said things like "she is not at all supportive of me moving like you are-you've helped me so much", and "you can't even sit down & have a conversation with her about stuff" (he was talking about being honest w/her about his feelings-she doesn't want to hear it, where I've been listening to him). He said the last time they were together (before the phone call where he hung up on her & told her it was over{??}) that it was really weird & they "didn't even touch". Which BTW is how he & I used to be in the beginning of all this-me waiting for him to touch me, him not touching me cuz he didn't feel right about it. .now I don't wait anymore, I just do it. He also asked me if it bothered me that he wears a necklace that she bought him-I said no. .it really doesn't (which supprises me about myself!-I used to be the queen of jelousy). I just realized that I am NOT going to let her be the reason our relationship doesn't work, she does not have that much power over me (or us) that a necklace she bought him is going to have ANY affect on me.<P>Anyhow, I could be wrong about where he is tonight, we'll see. . I think that if he's with her he will eventually tell me. He doesn't always right at the moment, but if he's still seeing/communicating with her I think he'll tell me. It is something I'll be asking before we begin to discuss seriously (remember right now we just "joke" about it) about me moving there. And I'm pretty sure those discussions will come not too long after he moves.<P>We're going out with our BF's (another couple) tomorrow night. I'm excited, it's been a long time since the 4 of us went out together (we've been together at their house, but we haven't all been OUT together since Sept/Oct??). I've been missing it.<P>So far our plans for this weekend are-he's leaving early Fri. morning with his stuff & I'm comming down later in the day with 1/2 of the couple I was just talking about. But we're also supposed to get another storm maybe on Friday (I thought it was supposed to be starting to get Spring???). So we're watching the weather-I guarantee that I'll be down there if it just has to be me & him leaving in the morning & moving all his stuff ourselves.<P>I'll keep you posted on what happens-I just know that if he is with OW tonight, she has been feeling really threatened by me & I'm sure she's just being wonderful!!<P>Wow-holy rambling. . that got a whole lot longer than I thought it would when I first started typing. I guess I haven't posted in a while cuz he's been here so much. It just helps to write this stuff-and obviously, once I start I've got alot more to say than I thought!!

Bitsy, maybe he needs some closure? Don't know. Hold on and enjoy the ride ... yours really does seem to be nearing the end in a good way!<P>Not much to offer other than to let you know someone is reading! You'll be fine, you know that.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

terri-thanks for the fast response!! I do think that my rollercoaster ride may be comming to an end soon (at least the OW part). How much $ do you pay for a ride like this anyhow??<P>Maybe he does need some closure-if he's with OW tonight. . it's not bothering me too, too much-maybe he just needs to give her another (some more??) chances to see if she's going to be as cool as I have been-don't really matter to me.<P>What I've learned is the love I had for him before was so, so selfish-it was all about how HE made me feel. . now I just love him b/c of the person I know that he is (and the really, really inside person he's showing me-slowly, cuz I'm letting him). But I'm also learning about the love I'm finding for me, I feel really proud of who I'm becoming. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's gonna be worth it-it's gonna be worth it for me, no matter what happens with us.<P>Thanks, terri, for reading!!

bitsy, I relate to the way you described the changes in your relationship since the A. My H is still living with OW, but things have totally changed between us for the better. In fact, better than they were before the A, just as you described. I don't have to wonder, I know he's with her tonight. He's trying to think of a way to bring closure to the A since he believes a no contact letter would result in her tracking him down and demanding an explanation. I am also much less bothered than I was at first. You described it well - my love for him was also selfish, as was his, and because of this we were unable to be really honest with each other for fear we would not be accepted as we really are. I don't believe we can truly love another until we love ourselves, as you also pointed out. I am also committed to this growth process no matter how things turn out between my and my H, though I'm happy to say that he seems to feel the same way. <BR>

Bitsy, I am interested in him wearing a necklace she bought him and having it not bother you. My husband wears a bracelet, he said he "found"it and I look at it and see her. This sounds bizarre , but what is your thought process. How are you able to not let it bother you. I don't want this bracelet to bother me as much as it does. <P>I probably should go back and read all your posts (I dont' know how to do that other than searching every page) because I want to be where you are , and it seems Letstry also, in your mind and heart.<P>I too am working on myself and understand I have not nice things about myself, but I also know that I am not that bad of a person prior to the A that warranted him making that choice to have an A ( and ?continuing his A). <P>Do you change yourself and just accept the WS as they are. Or does the WS have to change also for you to become reconciled? If I become this better person and He stays exactly the way he is, I am not sure that I could still be married to him. Does this make any sense?<P>I do love my husband, or at least the way he used to be but he also could use some improvement just as everybody could.<P>Just thinking out loud.<P>Hopelessmom

hopelessmom-I refuse to let a piece of jewelry from her be the reason our relationship doesn't work. Do you see how much power that gives the OW? She doesn't have that much power over me, or over us. Does that make sense? Yes-I think about her & about them, but then I also control my own thoughts right? And I can push them away. That may seem like I'm not dealing with it or ignoring it, I'm not it's just that I can either let it eat up my insides and keep me being the same person I used to be. . or I can stop thinking about it and just move on. It's very hard, but it's what I have to do.<P>I agree w/you that the things that were not so nice about you definately do not justify your H having an A. It's a terrible choice he made, but it is happening. Now you have to decide what you want to do about it. These last few months have been such an intense growth period for me. I like who I am right now-with or without him.<P>The way I view it is (I said this recently in another post)-we have problems in our relationship. . in order to get them fixed, somebody has to start fixing them. That somebody is me. I want to show him changes I've made in myself. . I hope that these changes are for him, but that will be his choice. Although the A is not over yet the changes I've made are having an affect on him.<P>OW's only have as much power over you as you give them. . don't give it to her.

On the OW loosing importance. I have had that happen too. When the affair was going stong and there was a shirt she gave him I drove me crazy! I wont tell you what happened to that shirt. <P>But now that he has made some movement towards me, she seems much less important, and it seem to be more about us and our relationship again. Maybe because I can see that I am more imprtant to him again. When he was in the peak of the affair I felt invisible and the OW was perfect and larger than life. Now I feel that balance has shifted and I have some meaning to him again.<P>Does that make sense? Lora

Bitsy,<P>You are the stong woman in this case and you are the one who can hang her head high. OW had to give him a material item so he would think about her you on the other hand have giving him your heart and he always will have that with him...May I ask you how long this A was?

Trs-it's not over - yet. . I'm seeing a lot of progress towards me, but he's also not completely done seeing her. It's been going on since the end of Oct.<P>Here's to hoping he grows a back bone someday!!<P>I know now for sure that he was with her last night, we'll see if he tells me himself. I'll keep you all posted.<P>Thanks everyone!

bitsy, Yeah, a backbone is what they need. We're talking to Steve Harley this morning and I hope that will help. My H is still terribly worried about the OW's feelings although he says he doesn't love her anymore. As long as I stay focused on improving myself, on my responsibilities, and how good things are when H and I are together, I do fine. BTW, my H wears a St. Christopher necklace given to him by OW's 3 yr. old daughter and a bracelet he says he bought at a flea market. They bothered me at first, but now I barely notice them.

bitsy - thinking about you! Keep being strong and hang on! I hope your roller coaster is on the last lap.<P>Dave

I'm having a really hard time not being angry at him right now for this latest contact. I also feel like it's making me loose respect for him, not love yet, but respect. . I mean what is he thinking? I have a feeling that he's going to continue to contact her after he moves. . that's not going to fly too long with me I don't think. I may be moving to Plan B before June if that happens-we'll see, I'm mad right now, this may pass.<P>He won't know that I'm mad right now. I want to wait & see if & what he tells me about it. What does this OW do for him? Mad, mad, mad. . I need to calm way down before we go out tonight.