Hi,<P>If alcohol is a factor in your spouse's affair, please talk to me. My h. and ow were in an accident together at beg. of the affair, and alcohol a major factor. Double whamy for me and the fog is much thicker. <P>Any advice.<BR>I am on roll/call, in e-mail.<P>elo

elo,<P>My H is an alcoholic and a drug addict and so is the OW. So, yes, alcohol was a major factor in the affair. <P>I usually don't post on this forum. I spend my time on the Divorcing/Divorced board. But feel free to email me!<P>mitzihartman@webtv.net<P>Mitzi

<P>Elo<BR>I'm new here but I couldn't resist answering your post. The answer to your question is a resounding YES! I'm the BS, H and I belonged to an organization. He became overly involved. We both met the "club whore" and I'm not saying that to be mean, she just was (she preferred married men and went after them all the time. I call her "the crotch cricket") and everyone knew that, including my H. She was also...... you probably guessed it, a bartender. But we didn't want to be judgmental and became friends. She befriended me so she could get into my business, but the more his responsibilities called for him to be there, the more she was there. She made it pretty clear that she was interested in my H but I NEVER in a million years thought that he would go for "it." He always told me that he would never cheat on me unless he found something better, or unless he thought it was worth it. Well, she is 5' 180lbs, and I'm 5'4 110. She is a slut. She is 4 years older then him, and been married several times. We are married 26 years and have 4 kids. We were having a very difficult time because my oldest son had gotten arrested,(stupid mistake) my uncle died, my aunt was dying, (I was taking care of her) and I was going thru menopause. He seemed to be very supportive of me but was spending more and more time at the organization. I had always trusted him and felt secure in my marriage as I was entitled to, so a lot of time he would go alone. Well, usually on Sundays she would be tending bar, and "FILL HIM UP" and then a few of the members would go elsewhere. Her included of course. I'm thinking right now how stupid I was to not go also. He always invited me.(Shrewed of him cuz he knew I wouldn't go) But when you have kids, someone has to be there for them. Anyway, she followed him out to his car one night when he was leaving and the rest is history. It went on for 15 months. And almost destroyed me. I was suspicious and asked him several times about her hanging by him all the time, but when I was there she didn't come near us. He always discounted it as me overreacting. "She's just a FRIEND" With friends like that who needs enemy's. When I finally made it clear that I pretty much thought that something was going on, he finally admitted it. He has been so remorseful and sorry, and sick about what he did and who he did it with (I got an STI from the crotch cricket). He told me that he had to be DRUNK to be with her, but once it started it was easy to HIT. She made it clear that "it" was there whenever he wanted it. Even offered him a key to her apartment. He didn't take it. And of course the alcohol played the most important part in it, and you are so right about the FOG being thicker. He said he was never with her when he was sober, and when you're drunk, you're decision making is so distorted... but he did make the conscience decision to be with her. We had problems yes, but if he stayed home and we worked on them instead of him trying to drink them away, this never would have happened. She knew the problems and kept telling him that things were never going to change and he would tell her they had to, he can't do this anymore and she would always say, "You'll be back" because she knew all she had to do was give him a few drinks and he could hit it. And she was always LITERALLY throwing herself at him at the bar. I mean rubbing up against him, grabbing his crotch, and taking her bra off in the ladies room and coming out and telling him. Stuff like that. A real lady huh. Add alcohol to a situation with problems and you've got AN AFFAIR<BR>We are now 9 months in recovery, but I have to say its still very difficult for me. We are working very hard and most of the time its good, but the dirty ugly situation rears its head and I lose it. He didn't send a no contact letter, we both confronted her (and boy did I give her a piece of my mind) he told her to her face while I was with him. He resigned from the organization that day, and we have been totally together since. We go out together or we don't go out at all, except he does play golf a couple times a month but comes home immediately after. And its only with the GUYS. I'm sorry this was long, but I just had to vent and it felt good seeing someone else with a similar problem that I could relate to. If I can be of any help please e-mail me.<P>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>"For I know the plans I for you," declared the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."<BR>

My H was never a big drinker before the A. 2-3 beers at a party (which was rare), hated going to bars. Then the A started. He immediately began drinking heavily. I found empty vodka bottles in his car, he was hanging out in bars all the time etc. When the affair ended so did the drinking.

Hi elo,<BR>My wifes fits sexual enconter with the OM happened when she was drunk and he press home his advantage, he had spent the whole night plying her with drinks and spending money on her.<BR>Once she remembered the next day what she had done she felt that she had totally spoilt our life together and therefore had no chance but to try and make a life with him!<BR>Funny though, once he had had his way with her whenever he met my wife he never had any money to buy drinks or pay for anything!!! Just wanted to get her to himself asap for well youcan guess what!

My H of 11 years was a recovering alcoholic. I didn't know him when he was a raging alcoholic and he had been dry for 2 years before I met him and during the whole of our marriage.<P>Although he said he was unhappy in the marriage for a few years (prior to the affair), he didn't really communicate it to me. So all the holding it inside not only snowballed, etc., but he started drinking approx. 9 months before the A (unbeknownst to me for 5 months). I found out that he was drinking four months before the affair. He did it in secret at night, after I went to bed.<P>And even tho he said he'd quit and go back to AA, he didn't. I didn't really know how to deal with him continuing to drink, but because I am not a co-dependant person, I continued to "harass" him about it. And he kept hiding it from me, because he knew I hated him drinking. And he kept drinking.<P>I believe that his continuing to drink led not only to the affair, but to his mindset of "all is doomed." By continuing to drink, he was insuring that number one, he wasn't going to deal with his feelings and/or with me, and number two, he was going to continue to search for some sort of "out"....and THAT'S how the affair started. He opened himself up to that, which I don't believe he would have done, had he not been soaking his unhappiness in alcohol. <P>So that's my story. To bring it up to date, the A was in November 99, he moved out in January 00, moved in with OW in June 00 and is still drinking. He's knows he's not supposed to be, but just can't quite stop. <P>So if he's so "happy" in his decision of choosing her, how come he's still drinking? How come he's trying to "escape" via booze?<P>He just doesn't see it. It makes me so very sad for him. I know he feels like a big failure, not only for throwing everything away (new home on 15 acres in Hawaii, me, our future, out past, etc.), but for drinking again after being dry for 13 years. But what can you do? I can't do anything for him....I certainly can't save him. <P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited March 07, 2001).]

My wife never came out and said it but I know she was drinking 2x to 3x more than normal at the time the affair started, so I would venture to say yes.

Emphatically YES. That was what they had in common. She bought him beer everyday. He also "had to be drunk to be with her". My husband's alcohol addiction is the cause of pretty much all of the problems we have ever had in our marriage. One day soon he will be delivered from his addiction though!<P>Mitzi! How are you doing? I've been thinking about you!!! Hope all is well.<P>AW