I just starting remembering this last summer and all of a sudden I really started to miss my H. I am so tired of being without him and I wish he would come back. Why can't I just go to the stage of hating him for all he has done to me? Why am I soooooo weak??? Why can't I go on like he seems to have???? I want to wake up from this nightmare and I want my H back!!! I am jealous of OW and the fact that she has him now. How can she live with herself knowing two marriages are falling apart? How can he live with himself?? Thanks for listening.....<p>[This message has been edited by Trs (edited March 07, 2001).]

TRS -<P>It is never weak to be faithful. It is never weak to have hope. It is never weak to want what is right. It is never weak to forgive. It is never weak to love. It is never weak to show kindness to those who seem to hate you.<P>You are a very kind, compassionate, and forgiving person. Don't ever lose sight of that. I don't know what your religious beliefs are. I am a Christian, and I guess I wanted to share a passage with you from a book I recently read called "Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back" by Charles Swindoll:<P>"I have learned that waiting involves trusting. I have learned that waiting includes praying. I have learned that waiting implies resting. I promise you, God will keep His Word if you are only willing to wait. . .The key word is perserverance. We grow and we learn - not when things come our way instantly- but when we are forced to wait. That's when God tempers and seasons us, making us mellow and mature. . .Ask the Lord to give you strength to wait. . .to endure the lingering test of patience."<P>"When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don't resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends. Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurance is fully developed, and you will find you have become men of mature character with the right sort of independence (James1:2-4)."<P>"Some days we do well just to survive. . .to say nothing of excelling. Therefore, perserverence becomes essential to living - the only key that unlocks the door of hope. Through perserverance character is built, strong and solid character that brings about hope."<P>TRS - You are not a weak person for loving someone, and hoping for your H to return. If you pray, pray that the Lord fight this battle for you, that he give you patience to endure and to accept His will for your life.<P>Again, if you are not Christian - I apologize for interjecting here, but I think some of the concepts still apply regardless of your religious background. Patience, perserverance, hope - everyone needs that, right?<P>Don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best that you can in a very difficult situation. Try not to be consumed by jealousy or envy of the OW. Because, there really is nothing to be envious of. Yes, she's with your H right now and you want to be with him, but right now, I don't think he is the man that you married, the man that you love. So, have patience my friend. I do believe that everything will work out for the best - whatever that may be. Just have confidence in yourself, your character, your beliefs, your morals. . .

Ditto absolutely everything you wrote! Sometimes I too wonder why I just can't hate him and maybe then this would all be easier. Then I remind myself that hating him would be very corrosive and probably in the end do me more harm than anyone.<P>I just told some of my old high school friends what my situation is and they were supportive, but like many people not actually going through it, they thought I was being way too nice. I know there is a purpose in my changed behavior -- it has made me a better person and I think at some level H sees that. However, sometimes I think the pain and anger that I've swallowed to try to save my marriage is going to engulf me! <P>Today is one of those days, so I turn to the Lord. I have been working very hard at giving up the thought that I have any power to make H see the light etc. I am learning to leave it in God's much more capable hands. The trick of course is that I still have to decide how to respond to H's actions even if I don't want to control the situation. That is what still makes it hard on a day-to-day basis of dealing with him.<P>I'm not sure how any H or OW live with what they've done. Ultimately the statistics show they don't do it so well because the vast majority of relationships or marriages that begin out of the destruction of two marriages fail. <P>In the meantime, is plan B helping you deal with this any better? I think I am getting close to plan B. In a sad way I've gotten used to H not meeting any of my ENs, but I am still very hurt by his lack of respect for me. Whatever I have done wrong in my marriage, I don't deserve his disrespect!<P>Hang in there. I will pray for you today.

Dear Trs,<P>You have been given good insight and advice in the above comments. Maybe for you it is the same as I have been feeling. While I want my husband back, the man that is out there really does not feel like my husband. <P>I have asked H to please go and find my husband and bring him back. I want to tell my husband that I love him and want him to come home. I want my husband to stop associating with this other man (WS) that has influenced him to leave us? I speak about my husband in the 3rd person because that is where I feel he is right now. <P>So you see, I do know how you feel. That husband is the one you miss and had good memories with. If your H can find that man and bring him back, then you can be happy. <P>In the meantime, take care of yourself. If it is not too hurtful, try to recount some of those happy times. Making the kind of food you both enjoyed, etc. I can't think of much more (I haven't had breakfast yet - guess you can tell where my mind is). <P>Oh I wish I could take your pain away. The most I can do is tell you to keep posting your feelings here and I will be here for you. <P>Please, please hang in there. <BR>L.

Thank you Skm and Exhausted..<P>I just returned from my counseling session. Yes, I am a Christian. My counsler reassured me that God is on control and will steady my emotions. SKM your words of of wisdom from "Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back" helped alot!! Thank you for saying I am not weak. Exhausted, everyone seems to give their opinion on how they would never putup with this behavior from WS's (I even said so a year ago!!) its different when you are living the nightmare. I have been on Plan B since the end of January-since H never contacted me I did not have to write the letter until 2 weeks ago -this is when H started threatening me with turning off utilities and telling me it was time to get my **** together so he could go on with his life....nice-huh...A counsler I work with just told me that the month of February is the most busiest time for counslers because of the weather and such-interesting-how come this hasn't effected ongoing affairs but effects marriages??? Just a thought...Thank you for praying for me..I will pray for you two also...many Thanks!!!!

Hi Trs,<P>I mostly hang out on the Divorced section of MB, but I was looking around and saw your thread. <P>I am divorced and there are days that I miss my ex-H. Sometimes it surprises me! Our marriage was difficult, at best, and some would call it abusive. I "shouldn't" feel anything but relief to be rid of him, but honestly, in my heart, I do still miss him. <P>I just wanted you to know that what you're feeling is not abnormal.<P>------------------<BR>I just want to sit in the garden in peace~~<P>*Statue*

Thanks Orchard and Statue,<P>H has filed against me and I have a little over 45 days until all is complete. My counsler gave me the book "Growing Through Divorce" just in case-I like to see th epain in my future....I have my good and bad moments and I know the end is not here ....yet....I have given the A 6 months and 4 months have gone by....2 more months!!!!

Trs,<P>Hang in there. My STBXW is leaving me for an OM. She will be filing Tomorrow, and already has most of her stuff packed. I miss her like mad. I too feel like the person that I am dealing with is not the same woman that I married. Most of the time all I do sit and cry. And you are right, the good memories are very painful. You are not weak, nor are you alone. Don't feel like you are. Turn to God, and ask for guidance. He will help you.

SKM - Thanks for that amazing post. Brought tears to my eyes (which these days comes quite easily).<BR> I have been reading these posts since Nov.2000 and hoped that I would be an exception. I have actually emailed some of your posts to my H via anyonymous service. But that has been only in the last couple days. He acknowledges any emails I send him, if asked. God love you for doing the "right thing".<P>TRS - My WH says I should accept and move on. I believe this man is a most self serving and outoftouch "human being". WSs try to rationalize their choices, only to make them feel justified. But these choices are not only irrational they are downright selfish. When the BS gives their all to save a marriage, that is unselfish… because we give up our self esteem and self worth in the process. It is a totally helpless feeling and the only way to make it better is to depend on our WS to make us feel better about ourselves. We really need to get a grip, very much including myself.! <P>TO ALL OF YOU - Your frustrations, conquests, loyalty, and perseverance have been a comfort. I now know I am not the only one in the world to have been rejected for an OP. And not the only one to want a life with my S so much that I am willing to do just about anything.<P>BRIEF HISTORY: <BR> (Full history would probably be cathartic for me, will want to post this later, just to say it). 3 +17 years of marriage. Built buisness and financial security together. Not wealthy but comfortable. Invested all energy into the building of same, lost sight of the closeness of marriage. Last few years began distancing from one another. No affection, no sex, no communication except for business related topics. Me the bookkeeper, him the entrepeneur. I just became a reflection of him. Guess that was the easiest thing to do. Peace at all costs. <BR> Wish I would have began reading MB when I knew things were strange. Hindsight.<BR> KIND OF CURRENT: <BR> H went to visit mom and go to his HS reunion in July. 1000 miles away. Stayed 6 weeks. While there met with his HS sweetheart. Came home and was never the same. Found him emailing her and confronted him. He said they were just friends and he "could not stop contacting her". Only an EA at this time. Read her emails and it was all about how much she admired him, loved him, wanted to be with him, and how great their lives would be together. She made plans for their future and was working on their going into business together. She told him to lose his feelings of guilt and think only about what makes "him" happy. Of course she painted so many beautiful images of her life and how their life together would be. Not to mention how she anticipated ( touching and holding and etc.) him. So you can imagine the ego trip. He acted like a teenager in love. <BR> After very "unpeaceful" confrontation NY eve when he physically rejected me (BTW I am not that unattractive)…He said he had never seen that side of me. Also said he did not want to lead me on. He didn't call her for 2 days yet she never stopped trying to reach hem (per email). Previous phone calls had been 2 to 3 times a day. We had many serious and painful discussions about OR and OW. They always ended with hugs and affection from him. <BR> Read Dr. Dobson, "Love must be tough." Told H I could no longer live with three people in this house and he either stop contacting her or move. He had the nerve to say "I don't understand why, we still get along." What planet is he living on? So with much trepidation… he moved down the street.<BR> MORE CURRENT:<BR> Last weekend he flew to his and her hometown, spent 3 days and nights at an expensive spa with her and now it is a PA, or adultery as it used to be called. <BR> How am I dealing with this? I am so devastated by the whole thing. He never gave us a chance. He was emotionally divorced and never told me how he was feeling. I asked him to please work on our marriage first before making any decisions (before PA when he said he was confused, but felt there must be more to life and he wanted to find out). <BR> NOW:<BR> His family and very close friend have told him that he is making the biggest mistake of his life and he should work on the marriage. What he is doing is wrong! … OW tells him that people who love him will only want "his" happiness wherever it is found. Guess who and what he believes? <BR> He now wants to be friends always and doesn't understand that I don't think I can be his friend because of all the suffering he has put me through. Of course, since all our money is tied up in properties and business it may be quite self serving… Like not wanting to loose his bookkeeper.<BR> Should I Plan A a letter to him and her? I have this great desire to email her at her house instead of the private email she is using. Want her husband to know what is going on… yet her daughter is 13 and may pick it up.<BR> Told me his plan was to spend time with her so that he could see if this was "the love of his life" or the biggest mistake of his life. He will be going to stay with mom or friends while they "get to know each other in person". This was before they spent weekend together at a resort. Needless to say, he returned with the proverbial stars in his eyes.<BR> Plan A seems to make him think that what he is doing is OK ... like in "now everybodys happy". When we have OR talks he says he wants to be there for me and help me through. He is actually affectionate and we feel closer than we have in years. What's up with that?<BR> I really don't know what to do now.<P> Anyways, I am sorry for intruding on your thread, but you here have all touched me so deeply that I felt you would understand. <BR> <P> Thanks. <BR> <BR>

Griz, Hang in there bud, your W may turn around it sounds like this is all just starting with you. You will have a bumpy road ahead but read, read, read...<P>WhatamI, WOW!! WHat can I say to help??? My most help advice is to tell people to read all they can, Books I always suggest are: Surviving AN Affair, Torn Asunder and Private Lies, all of these books have helped me these past 4 months. Private Lies has the perfect story in it that goes along with your case. Plan A shows the WS that coming home is an attractive choice. I did it for 2-3 months. Plan B is VERY hard but gets easier with time. You are not alone!! We are all here to help you. Please keep up updated!!