I'm not so sure where I am going with this one, I have soooo many things flying in my head lately.<BR>Update:We are doing okay, I think. We are still in therapy, and it seems to be working, although it is very emotional for me. I am realizing that I can't seem to move forward in the heart. In the head I know I have to, but in the heart I find it hard to FEEL it. Does this mean that ultimately even if we put 110% into recovery, all that we will do will not matter because I'm so hurt and so scared? <BR>This may sound odd, but I was watching my soap today, and the characters that are in a similar situation are getting divorced due to his infidelity.(Mind you I tape the show and am WEEKS behind!) On the episode I watched today he said to her that "he wants to see the love and forget about the pain, and she can't get to the love without seeing the pain." I watched this and thought "there we are!" I'm not saying that I feel that my H expects me to forget about it all, he has said the contrary, that he knows I can't. But, will I always be looking thru the pain, remembering what he did? The pain, fear, distrust, and hurt all still seem as raw as the day I found out...and the my thoughts are bouncing around in my head like a superball. One minute I'm sure I can get thru it and the next I'm sure I can't take one more minute. And I'm constantly thinking, if only he hadn't gotten her pregnant...<BR>She is in my head more lately...even in my bed. We were intimate the other night and I had to stop in the middle to start bawling my eyes out, while still wanting to go on. I compare everything to her, even though I've never met or spoke to her or even know what she looks like. Even the littlest thing, like he will hug me a certain way and I ask...did you do that to her? I'm still asking the questions, and the last time I did the answers really hurt. But my need to know is greater and the hurt usually goes away, and I'm kind of relieved that he is able to be honest with me. <BR>ANYWAY...we are going to "Retrouvaille" this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. Thats where we really need help, is in the communication, and I hear that it really helps with that. As my H says, I am more open and honest in therapy and he learns so much from me in that hour.(By the way, he was walking by and peeked over to see what I was typing one day and he saw my type "my H " and he joked by saying..."OH, now I've been reduced to 'my H'?" <BR>So rather than bunch all my issues and thoughts into one post, I have decided to put each issue into its own post. Sorry, but I would just get confused and would really like advice on all things and am afraid that if I post it all together one issue would take over the thread and the others would be lost. Thanks in advance for your patience and help. I feel that this is going to be a long night for me. <BR>