Dear Whatami,<P>I have read your post and copied it here so I could respond.<P>Here is your post:<P>Whatami's BRIEF HISTORY: <BR>(Full history would probably be cathartic for me, will want to post this later, just to say it). 3 +17 years of marriage. Built buisness and financial security together. Not wealthy but comfortable. Invested all energy into the building of same, lost sight of the closeness of marriage. Last few years began distancing from one another. No affection, no sex, no communication except for business related topics. Me the bookkeeper, him the entrepeneur. I just became a reflection of him. Guess that was the easiest thing to do. Peace at all costs. <BR>Wish I would have began reading MB when I knew things were strange. Hindsight.<BR>KIND OF CURRENT: <BR>H went to visit mom and go to his HS reunion in July. 1000 miles away. Stayed 6 weeks. While there met with his HS sweetheart. Came home and was never the same. Found him emailing her and confronted him. He said they were just friends and he "could not stop contacting her". Only an EA at this time. Read her emails and it was all about how much she admired him, loved him, wanted to be with him, and how great their lives would be together. She made plans for their future and was working on their going into business together. She told him to lose his feelings of guilt and think only about what makes "him" happy. Of course she painted so many beautiful images of her life and how their life together would be. Not to mention how she anticipated ( touching and holding and etc.) him. So you can imagine the ego trip. He acted like a teenager in love. <BR>After very "unpeaceful" confrontation NY eve when he physically rejected me (BTW I am not that unattractive)…He said he had never seen that side of me. Also said he did not want to lead me on. He didn't call her for 2 days yet she never stopped trying to reach hem (per email). Previous phone calls had been 2 to 3 times a day. We had many serious and painful discussions about OR and OW. They always ended with hugs and affection from him. <BR>Read Dr. Dobson, "Love must be tough." Told H I could no longer live with three people in this house and he either stop contacting her or move. He had the nerve to say "I don't understand why, we still get along." What planet is he living on? So with much trepidation… he moved down the street.<BR>MORE CURRENT:<BR>Last weekend he flew to his and her hometown, spent 3 days and nights at an expensive spa with her and now it is a PA, or adultery as it used to be called. <BR>How am I dealing with this? I am so devastated by the whole thing. He never gave us a chance. He was emotionally divorced and never told me how he was feeling. I asked him to please work on our marriage first before making any decisions (before PA when he said he was confused, but felt there must be more to life and he wanted to find out). <BR>NOW:<BR>His family and very close friend have told him that he is making the biggest mistake of his life and he should work on the marriage. What he is doing is wrong! … OW tells him that people who love him will only want "his" happiness wherever it is found. Guess who and what he believes? <BR>He now wants to be friends always and doesn't understand that I don't think I can be his friend because of all the suffering he has put me through. Of course, since all our money is tied up in properties and business it may be quite self serving… Like not wanting to loose his bookkeeper.<BR>Should I Plan A a letter to him and her? I have this great desire to email her at her house instead of the private email she is using. Want her husband to know what is going on… yet her daughter is 13 and may pick it up.<BR>Told me his plan was to spend time with her so that he could see if this was "the love of his life" or the biggest mistake of his life. He will be going to stay with mom or friends while they "get to know each other in person". This was before they spent weekend together at a resort. Needless to say, he returned with the proverbial stars in his eyes.<BR>Plan A seems to make him think that what he is doing is OK ... like in "now everybodys happy". When we have OR talks he says he wants to be there for me and help me through. He is actually affectionate and we feel closer than we have in years. What's up with that?<BR>I really don't know what to do now.<P>Anyways, I am sorry for intruding on your thread, but you here have all touched me so deeply that I felt you would understand. <P><BR>Thanks. <P>I would like to comment that your feelings are common to the rest of us. Like your H, my H also had and still has these euphoric feelings for the OW. The 'love he never had', 'I am not in love with you anymore', he giggles with her on the phone, jokes with her and yet she has not had the pleasure of picking up after him nor doing his laundry. There times together are only for fun stuff, you are the reliable one that completes his life. For him it is important not to acknowledge you or his guilt will rise above his affair. <P>Where does that leave you? How much should you try? What can you do to end this affair? These are hard questions but one I am sure you are looking for answers on. From the posts of others you will have many suggestions. You will need to pick the ones that best help you and your H. and even come up with your own ideas. Counseling is another way to help your marriage and the Harley's have a good plan available (phone counseling is convienent and good) along with the questionnaires. Even if your WS does not want to participate, you can work on strenghting yourself. You will need it in the days ahead. You will probably be the only one with sanity and having to keep things afloat until he comes back to reality. <P>Now to those nagging questions above:<P> <BR>Where does that leave you? In a tough position. You have<BR>to learn patience, yet be his friend (even when you want to kick him out). <P>How much should you try? You know your abilities. You know you H (or at least some of him). He will turn into a different person that may seem strange to you. Work on the part you know and love. See what thoughts, food, memories, smells, music, places, etc. jog his mind and heart back to you and use them to your advantage. Is this bad? No, remember the OW is pulling just as hard the other way. Filling his mind and pushing you out. Your H may not be aware this is happening and will not put up much defense against her. In fact at this time, he will even defend her against YOU!<P>What can you do to end this affair? You can do very little. As hard as it sounds, do not make her look bad. This was and is difficult for me. Our normal reaction is to put up a fight and protect our family. Remember, even though your H is part of your family, H took himself out there. In his current fog like state of mind, he will fight you to keep the OW. Just be his friend and position yourself to be his confidant. In time, the fog will clear and maybe your H will see that the OW was not all he remembered her to be and the beauty that he currently sees will diminish. You & your inner beauty will need to continue shining through. <P>For you, keep yourself up. Pamper yourself. Create a support group to keep you from getting to down in the dumps. Use all persons around you that you can, family (including children), relatives, friends, workmates, neighbors, counselors and even us here. Keep busy doing your routine and helping others. Your H will have good and bad days. Let him see your good days. Let him also see when you are hurting (if he can handle it). It may cause him reflection. You want to do things that will stimulate his mind. Because his heart is being pulled by the OW. His internal struggle needs to be visible to him. <P>There is a lot more to consider but you must be tired and weary. Please get some rest and I am sure there will more posts later. There are a lot on this board that have great wisdom. Absorb what you can. We will be here. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>
