Hello. I realize that my situation is not unusual, but I do feel like I am all alone right now. A few months ago my wife received an email from an old boyfriend in high school. They corresponded back and forth for a couple of weeks. One day I came home from a business trip and found an email from her "friend" that basically said that he has loved her for over 20 years and would like to come visit the next time I was out of town. Needless to say, I hit the roof. She assured me over and over that just because he said that he loves her, doesn't mean that she was going to return the feeling. <P>A couple of weeks past and they continued to communicate over email and over the telephone. The entire time she told me that they were just talking about old times, and that he is the only contact she has to her past. One day I was on the computer sending an email message to the office and I noticed that there was a key that allowed you to retrieve sent and deleted messages. I opened it up and found that earlier in the day she sent an email to her "friend" asking what constitutes a betrayal of ones spouse (i.e. kissing, fondling above the waist, fondling below the waist). Again, I hit the roof. I deleted the email account and confronted her. Obviously, she got on the defensive asking why I was snooping and said that it was just questions. She said it didn't mean that she was going to act upon it. At that point, she stopped communications but was very sad and mad at me for "not trusting her love for me." A week later I really goofed up and asked her what would make things better. I asked her if starting the communications would make things better between us and she said yes. So, I let her have back her email account and start communicating. <P>Again this went on for a couple of weeks, and in this time the two of us were very happy. It was like old times (before the communications.) We made love two and three times a day. However, one day she and I had been very flirtatious (I was emailing her from the office) and I wrote to her very explicitly what I was going to do sexually when I got home. She emailed me back to hurry home. When I got there, I asked her if she got my last email. She said no and proceeded to log on to the computer to retrieve it. I noticed that when she typed the password it had changed. I asked her why she had changed the password and she said that the last times I logged onto her account it had caused problems and she didn't want that to happen any more. Well as you can imagine, I came unglued. I accused her of hiding things. It turned into a big fight. Eventually, she said fine and changed her password back, but not before deleting everything. She doesn't know that I know how to read the deleted files. We continued to argue, but eventually made up. Later that night, I read the deleted emails. They were of a sexual flirtatious nature with her "friend". I lost it and felt that I could go on no longer. <P>The next morning I came back from my meltdown and we argued. She finally said that she would stop the communications, but that she was doing it unwillingly because she had done nothing wrong.<P>Since that time we have been going to counseling. We have determined through counseling that I am very obsessive with my wife. I have always felt compelled to call her when she is out and check to make sure she is okay. I also feel very anxious when she is with other people and not with me. This has irritated her for years. I realize that what I have is a form of an illness, and I have sought help from a psychiatrist. I have learned that I am OCD with general anxiety disorder. Since these incidences with my wife's communications, I am also suffering from panic attacks and depression. It is important to let you know at this point that the councilor believes that my wife is suffering from low self-esteem. She is 35 years old; a stay at home mom, and our youngest of four children just started kindergarten.<P>The marriage councilor told us that while my wife's communications are technically and legally not wrong that she was playing with fire and it was certainly a red flag in our marriage. We since have determined that I need to work on my obsessiveness regarding my wife and allow her freedom to grow. I genuinely have wanted to do this. The problem is that I am very suspicious of my wife. Since stopping the communications she has engaged in very suspicious activities. I won't go into them. All I will say is that she repeatedly says that it is over and that she needs me to give her her space to grow. I tried very hard at first, but as the suspicious behavior continued, I became more and more obsessive - always wanting to know what she's been doing and whom she has been talking to. I was convinced that I was going crazy as a result of my OCD and that my suspicions were unjustified. Because of this, I have been on an emotional roller coaster, going from very happy to severe depression (even though I am on medication).<P>Three days ago my wife told me that we needed a separation because of my behavior and inability to let her grow. I hit rock bottom. I went to go say goodbye to her mom and dad, whom I love and care for very much. When I got there and talked to her mom, she asked me why I hadn't kicked her out (I had talked with her before about all of this). I told her that all I have is suspicions and that if I confronted her and was wrong, then the marriage was over for sure. She told me that I should have followed my gut instincts. She made me spend the night and called my wife and made her come to her house to talk to her the next day. <P>After my wife and mother-in-law's discussion, my wife called me and told that my suspicions were valid, and that she was sorry for making me feel like I was going crazy. She has since told me that she knows that in order for us to be able to make things work that she needs to stop the communications. I asked her if she loves him. Her answer was that she can love a lot of people and that yes she does love him. I asked if she still loves me. She said that she knows that she loves me but that she just doesn't feel it right now. I asked her why. She said that she feels guilty and sadness, but most of all she is still angry at my behavior. She says she doesn't know if I am capable of letting her grow or not. I tried to tell her that the past couple of months were an unfair test of my ability to be less obsessive. She agrees, but says that she is very confused right now. She says we need our own space, which is where we are right now. She still thinks a separation is the right thing.<P>My questions are as follows:<P>Did my wife have an affair? Technically, morally, ethically, or otherwise?<P>Can the love my wife says she feels for this other man be real? She has never actually met him, except for when she was a freshman in high school. She has only had email and telephone communications.<P>Is separation a good thing? Do we temporarily need our own space?<P>How should I proceed at this point? I still love my wife dearly. I am pretty sure that she still loves me as well, but do I need to do like she says and let her sort things out on her own?<P>Right now I feel betrayed, I feel hurt, I feel angry, but most of all I still feel a tremendous amount of love for my wife.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sadandconfused:<BR><B>My questions are as follows:<P>Did my wife have an affair? Technically, morally, ethically, or otherwise?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>She had an <I>Emotional Attachment</I>, or <I>EA</I>. It is incompatible with the "forsaking all others" vow in marriage.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Can the love my wife says she feels for this other man be real? She has never actually met him, except for when she was a freshman in high school. She has only had email and telephone communications.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's infatuation. Reality would grind it into a very fine powder.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Is separation a good thing? Do we temporarily need our own space?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No. It would almost always be better if you had not separated. If you're not getting back together immediately, go over to amazon.com and check out this book: "Shoud I Stay or Should I go" <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=984177368/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/104-0845566-7558306" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/o/qid=984177368/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/104-0845566-7558306</A> <P>If it's going to be a separation, it might as well be a <I>controlled separation</I>.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>How should I proceed at this point? I still love my wife dearly. I am pretty sure that she still loves me as well, but do I need to do like she says and let her sort things out on her own?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No. Stay in counseling. You might also check with the Harleys on the phone, and pick up Harley's books (particularly Lovebusters, Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs).<P>She had no business doing what she did. And having done it, a part of her recovery plan with you should have been reasonable constriants on her behavior, including a reasonable amount of verifiability that she wasn't getting back into the same ditch. When she was unhapy after agreeing to stop, that was her way of mourning the EA, and she and you should have toughed it out. You <I>blinked</I>.<BR> <BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Right now I feel betrayed, I feel hurt, I feel angry, but most of all I still feel a tremendous amount of love for my wife.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>All those feelings are normal, but Plan A will help you get back with your wife, and most of that stuff needs to be absent from it in order for you to do it right. Look up postings by NSR for his post of general welcome, too. There is a list in the read only posts of books that people have found helpful as well.

Welcome <B>sadandconfused</B>...<P>Our prolific "Sisyphus" got through...<BR>...to your benefit! <P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Everything sis says... is on the mark...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>