Just wondered if any of the WSs out there would be willing to share their feelings of "coming out of the fog" -- back into reality of being back with or without their spouse and family.<P>I'm sure my H is not ready for this yet, but I need to hear that it can happen, and I'd like to print the responses and share them with my H, eventually.<P>Thanks,<BR>Sun

Sun, it CAN happen. It did for me. When my H discovered the A, it was as if a light were switched on. I guess it was the shock of being discovered, but at that moment I said to myself "what in hell was I thinking??".<P>I realized that although I spent 6 months being the most dishonest, selfish and obnoxious individual, I wanted my marriage and my H. I realized how much I love him and want to be with him. We're 2-1/2 months into recovery now, and things are better than ever.<P>I hope your H wakes up soon. It CAN work!! {{{hugs}}}

OH heck yes...my husband and I had already filed for child support and had it set...filed for divorce...he had a retaliation girlfriend...it all turned around because I wouldn't give up trying to get him to forgive me. I had wanted out of the affair all along...but didn't know how to get out of it (makes no sense I know...but none of this did.) <BR>Show this to your husband:<BR>Last night...my husband, myself and our two children + dog were all playing baseball in our backyard. I thought...see what you would have missed if you would have gone through with the divorce!<BR>Don't give up if you truly believe your marriage is worth it...but I strongly feel...if you are the betrayed spouse (and forgive me...I don't know all the abbreviations yet)...your husband owes you too once he comes to his senses!

sosorry, You have said something that struck a chord. Something I've heard alot of. Hope its OK to jump in. The "I didn't know how to end it". That's a point I would LOVE to have clarified. My H sure knew how to end a 27 year marriage but not a stupid 2 month long EA that went very briefly to a PA. Boy, you would help one person so much here if I could only understand that.

I second wounded's request. My H moved in with OW without any planning. But he's having the hardest time ending it with OW.

Maybe I can be of some help with some of these issues....<P>With my affair there was one question that my H asked that I could not answer at the time --- why? I didn't know why. NOW I know that it was because my H was ignoring and discounting my feelings and needs. The affair was a cry for help.<P>Did I know how to end it? No. But I do know that it was ending when my H finally stepped in and ended it. I'm thinking that that's what I wanted all along. My H knew about the affair from the very first kiss. He even participated with us. I even asked his permission before we had sex for the first time. <P>Now I'm thinking that all along I wanted him to step in and claim me for his own. To give me that attention which I was not getting from him. To feel that he valued me, that I meant something to him.<P>Of course, now I know that he doesn't care one whit about me. That's why he left and why he doesn't want to work on the marriage at all. His heart is cold.<P>What does it feel like to wake up from a fog?<BR> Frightening. The grief overwhelms you. <BR>You can't believe that you've brought pain and misery and hurt to those you love. You can't understand how those people managed to stand by you for so long, or why they would. You want to deny what has happened, but you know that it's happened.....you can't deny it. <P>Somewhere, somehow, you have to find the inner courage to face what you have done. It's hard. It's horrible. It hurts.<P>Then you want to make amends for all that you've done. You wonder how you can do this. You wonder if there's someone that you've hurt and that you don't remember it. <P>You begin to question and doubt yourself.<P>You can become angry with yourself or with others for allowing you to get so fogged in.<P>It's waves of emotion constantly washing over you.<P>You'd do anything to take back the pain and hurt, if you could. You'd love to be able to reset the clock, but you can't. You wish over and over that none of this had never happened. You try to blame others. You try to take all the blame onto yourself.<P>Grieving.<P>My stbx won't let me do anything for him. He won't accept any apologies, he won't forgive. Nor will he apologize or ask forgiveness for his affair. It's formed an emotioal bottleneck. <P>I'm having a very difficult time moving through the ending of our marriage. I love this man, and he won't acknowledge my attempts to express it. He won't let me love him.<P>I want so much to experience the joy of rebuilding our love. I miss watching him and our daughter playing. I miss him so much. My grief is triple because not only have I come out of the fog, but I came out to find my H gone, with no desire to return. And I have to watch what this is doing to our little girl. I have to tell her that we can't go and get Daddy and bring him home, that we can't make him come home.<P>The affairs are cries for help. But be there for them when they come out of the fog. Rejoice with them. Accept their love.<P>~Amy

Dear Wounded and Let's try...boy I hope I can geive you some peace and keep asking me questions until you are satisfied. As I said in other posts, I think if I could help just one person hurt less it would make me feel less of an ogre...<BR>when I said I didn't know how to get out of it-it was because I got drunk one night and initiated it with someone who was a very, very close friend (to me and to my husband) as soon as I realized what I did...I didn't know where to turn. This guy became immediately interested and read so much more into it than there was...to be honest, I had sex with him the first time because I thought "if I do this-it will give me an excuse to stop because it will have gone way too far"-forgive my sheer stupidity in that logic. Then what happens, is he becomes the only person you can talk to about what is going on...so "I needed him" but while I was talking to him about what was going on...he was pushing his agenda so hard that he made me believe that he was in the right! He did not leave me alone for one second to think clearly. Every time I told him it was over, he said "ok, I understand but just give me 3 seconds of your time to talk to you". I wish I had a nickel for every time he said that! Can I ask you both a question? Do your husbands want to make your marriages work and are they saying that they are sorry but they didn't know how to get out of it? Because if they are really like me, they do mean it. I would beg you to accept that at face value even though it is so unfair to you.

sosorry, Thank You for your honesty. It must be painful for you,too. I'm sorry to dredge stuff for you. And yes, Thank God, my husband wants our marriage and is sorry and very remorseful and all that. It's hard not to be bitter and quiet the "inner *****" sometimes. We have been married 28 years, 6 1/2 months from d day and about 3 months from his fog. Tha affair was a EA/PA with a woman he met over the net.The EA began mid-June, The PA on Aug 9 and he hasn't seen her since Aug 18. Home since Aug 20. Contact continued by phone and the net til Nov 10. Dates, why are they so important to me? It's a long story, posted elsewhere and I hate to do that here. Just Thank YOU, I will try very hard to beleive him when he says that and try not to let it make me nuts. You are so right, these things thrive in secret, if one of you just tells, it loses something, huh? My H did just that, tell me, I mean. The OW was his only counsel and she didn't think it was wrong, even though he knew it was wrong for him. I'm babbling so I will go. Just Thank You again , I'll try to be more coherent later

Sunhasset,<P>The testimonials in this are great but I am offering you a word of warning. A WS "in the fog" is just that - somebody "in a fog". No testimonial, preaching or word of advice from a former WS will make them "see the light".<P>"Their situation is so much different than mine - can't you see thie OP is my soulmate - we have a 'connection' like none I've ever felt before."<P>Most BS's say this or something similar to it but untill they are out of the fog see other WS's as cheaters and nothing more ("those people don't know me or my situation! - It's completely different from theirs - they didn't really love their OP - not like I do").<P>I don't want to discourage you but sometimes an approach like this can backfire and make your H resentfull. JMHO <P>My H did come out of his fog eventually, but a lot of times he would just get angry and defensive at posts by people here on the boards ( he posts here as Being a Better Arik sometimes ).<P>Anyway, just wanted to give my 2 cents worth.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole