Five years ago my husband had an affair with one of my friends. We have resolved many issues since then and have gotten to a place where we can now share a laugh together and some carefree times. My husband has tried to make his life very accessible and make himself very accountable. He has worked at being more affectionate. The only problem is sex. One of the reasons that I knew that my husband was having an affair was that the sex stopped. Since the affair our sex life has been dismal. We make love maybe once a month and he hardly ever completes the act. He tries hard to make sure that I am satisfied and then he stops. Many times he loses his erection before the sex is over. I can't remember when we have completed with both of us climaxing. This has become a source of pain to me. I can't help but think that he can't because he still has feelings for the ow. Is this possible? He says that it's just he's tired and the stress of the job.

This seems quite an unusual situation, at least not one I've heard or read about before. And I've heard a read a bunch.<P>If what you are saying is that it has been five years since the affair ended and that in that time your husband has been this dysfunctional, then I would question very much it having anything to do with his feelings for the other woman. If he felt that powerfully about her, I think it doubtful your marriage would have survived. There are loveless marriages which survive years. But it seems unlikely that very many survive when one of the spouses has feelings for some one else that are so strong that they'd have this kind of effect for so long, unless there is simply absolutely no way the illicit couple could get together - like death maybe? One spouse would have had to relieve the pain of that kind of life. If the cause were emotional/psychological I think I'd consider the guilt factor. Still doesn't seem sufficient though, not for five years. But guilt is an amazing thing sometimes.<P>I hope this doesn't seem dismissive or simplistic, but maybe the aftermath of the affair was the impetus for the initial dysfunction and it has become a habitual. I mean that, given how so many men give incredible value to their ability to have and keep an erection and are reticent to admit suffering impotence of any nature or degree, it is not unusual for one or two episodes to freak them out so that anticipation sets them up for repeat episodes. It doesn't take long for it to be an endless feedback loop.<P>Anyway you look at it, it sounds as though, as several of the good people on this site so often point out, the first step probably ought to be a physician. If nothing happens there, a therapist of some sort would seem to be in order.<P>I hope that something here might help you move toward a positive change. All the best…