Hi,<P>Ever since affair began, our children do not wnt to see him because of ow; at first, I thought this was a way to punish H. <P>They still afraid to see him because they fear he will drag her along. In recent letter, I stated to him that "in the best interest of our children, seeing him alone would be more comfortable for them." <P>But now after waht I have read that real life problems can begin to drive wedge between ws and op. Like ws seeing their children on a regular basis and financial pressures when he has to pay child support. And this is all without a divorce pending. He has started and stopped d. two times.<P>Am trying to be strong in the face of infidelity and when he comes to see them, show him how strong I am.<P>What are your experiences where OP showed jealousy of ws's seeing their children?<P>elo<P>

Dear elo,<P>I have a little son (6 years old), I have let H come over and visit his son (initially whenever he wanted). This non-arrangement was not good for our son and way to convenient for H. <P>I still believe it is important for parents to keep in contact with their children. I will not deny H seeing his child, just how and when. The how part is without the OW being present. OW is very jealous (she has never had any children of her own and is a selfish....). I consider a danger to my child. I also happen to consider her a danger to my H but that is another story. <P>H does agree that OW is not the best person for his son to be around and has agreed to visit his child without her presence. How much longer that lasts I am not sure since we are now heading for the divorce road. <P>OW does not even want H talking on the phone with his son. I on the other hand encourage contact by phone between son & H. When our son wants to ask his father a question, I let him call and either talk or leave a message. You see, children will eventually let their parent know that the children are not stupid. They can see exactly what is going on and will voice their opinion in their own way. <P>An example of this is when my son recently sent a letter to his dad asking 2 questions and making 2 statements. <P>1. Why do you want a divorce?<BR>2. Why don't you want to live with us?<BR>3. I want you to live with us.<BR>4. I miss you.<P>He did this in a letter form, addressed the envelope to his dad and I delivered it the next morning. My boy did a good job. In just a few words, he told his dad exactly how he saw things. He even said he needed to write to his dad because he was just too embarressed to talk to him about his father's conduct. <P>This is working in our families favor. H now knows that his attempt at divorce will not bring him closer to his son. That is something H will have to live with. My son confides a lot in my, always asking questions about his father's reasoning ability, etc. I do share his thougths with H, so that H knows where his son stands and not try to play mind games with him. Children see right through those so called adult mind games. <P>Our kids are clever. We should never underestimate their abilities since they are people too.<P>L.

in my case my children did put a wedge between h and ow. first it was me who souldn't let ow around children and he said that he understood and at one point before he came back said that he was glad i stood my ground. ow was pushing to spend time with my children saying that that was a part of h live that she was not in. so they fought all the time then he left her, came back here and some how she got him to believe that their problems were cause of me not allowing them to have the kids, so he went back to her saying that part of him hates me for keeping his kids from him, i never stopped him from seeing his kids anytime just not around her. so ya he made me feel guilty so then i allowed it. it didn't take long before the kids spoke up. i think they were around her 3 times. the last time they fought in front of my kids, long story. so anyway it was christmas and my kids finally spoke up , son and daughter said that they didn't want to go, of course according to ow i brained washed them. but my 3 yr old son just wanted to be with his daddy so he is the only one who went, i would never let him take my baby, who is 1, but that didn't turn out well cause my 3yr old cried the whole time, didn't want anything to do with ow wante to go home after being there a few minutes, wouldn 't open up any presents so after being there an hour him and son had to leave. my son even told him that he wanted a friend of mine to be his new daddy, ouch!!!! so anyway, he only came 2 times to see and take them somewhere with ow, she would ***** cause it took him too long to get home, he had to be home at a certain time, even when he worked, if he was early or late, he heard it. just one thing after another. couldn't trust him wondered why. the last straw was about a month ago when mil was here and they kept the kids over night one night and was going to spend time with the kids and ow couldn't go so she stated a ifight with him and through him in jail. and all i had to do was sit back and watch. she is very physcodic and he had her bakered act!!! anyway we are talking now, he still hasn't return home, his mother left the rv for him to stay in, but we have decided to date and go slow and try and get us back. he didn't think it was a good idea to move right back here like all the other times, which is what i want more than anything, but he is right. cause if we can't get through this it would hurt me and my kids agian. he thinks cause he says he has change that i might not even want him in a month, which i doubt cause everytime he is around me and the kids, the old h is there. he is also on this thing, heard it from bil, of not deserving us cause of what he did, and that he could never make up to me all the pain he has cause. he did tell me that he can not believe that he choose her over his family and that now she is out of the picture so that there is nothing standing in our way. hope this helps some.<BR>Darleen

Orchid and Hftbroken,<P>Thanks for your replys. I printed them out and I am not going to read them carefully. This issue is very significat to me now because of the fact that the affair is one year old, no divorce (don't even know if he has filed), I sent plan A letter and I am in making every effort to make him think: If I don't play my cards right, I will lose this caring and intelligent woman and my children.<P>I have to rise above the fear I have of seeing H knowing he is probably going to be arrogant to me and stilltry to dump so much on me. I have to be very strong. With your feedback and support, I can start to face him wiht an air of confidence that MIGHT turn his head.<P>I'll be in touch. elo