Where to begin? After 8 weeks of silence I gave up and contacted WS. He hasn’t seen his children for four months. <P>He came around, when the children were out and we discussed everything at first except the thing that was clearly on both our minds, when would he resume contact with his children? He hasn’t dealt with it in his own mind or approached the OW with the issue. He is clearly afraid of the consequences for his relationship with her. I believe that she may be infertile but convinced WS that she was pregnant last summer and had an abortion to gain the sympathy vote. I think she may be undermining his efforts to resume contact. After all they will have more in common if they both have no children.<P>Eventually I said are you going to see the children again? I don’t know was the reply. He has avoided dealing with the issue all this time. He knows he has to make a decision one way or the other and he doesn’t know what to do for the best. My only advice was this, in the short term it is easy to try and forget about them then face up to the reality of what has happened but in the long term if you stay away I think you will regret your decision.<P>He left and later sent me a message saying, take care and I will think about what you have said.<P>My H is a conflict avoider. He is holding off making a decision because he doesn’t want to face what he has done. On a brighter note he has finally admitted to the office that he left the children and I for the OW. So now it is out in the open.<P>I need some support during this period I guess as it is a make or break phase. If anyone out there has advice on how to deal with a conflict avoider I certainly would appreciate it.<P>Hope<P><BR>PS Has anyone heard from Fingers Crossed?

Hope -<P>Wow. I think you handled that situation amazingly well. I really don't know how to get a conflict avoider to deal with issues, but I think you handled things pretty well.<P>I mean, your H may not realize the consequences of his actions (not seeing the kids) right now, but he will in time, and I, too, think he will regret it. I think, if it is really important for you - for your H to keep in contact with the kids - then maybe you can continue to have discussions like this, I don't know. Maybe your H would be open to make "appointments" to see his kids?<P>I don't think you can really force him to do anything, but you can probably continue to show him that he might regret it later. Hang in there. I know I don't have anything to really offer in this situation, but I just wanted to let you know that I thought your patience and compassion is really amazing - not only are you concerned for your kids sake - but you're also concerned for his relationship with them. I really admire your ability to do that - even though he has/is putting you through a horrible situation. It speaks volumes about your character. I only hope it rubs off on your H!

Hope,<P>NOthing to add to what SKM said, she said it all so very well. <P>Just wanted you to know someone else cared & was thinking about You & your kids.

My H is also a conflict avoider and I guess you can say that I am also but have been the one to try not to. It is hard to change your ways especially if your scared.<P>While my H does see his kids, he does not see them alone but with another new woman. I don't know what is in his brain but I also worry for his relationship with his children some day. He doesn't know what he is doing.<P>Keep encouraging him, that is all you can do. <P>Peace,<BR>HOpelssmom

Thank you all for your posts. I didn’t get any responses on the first day. So I didn’t look until a few minutes ago. It cheers me up just knowing you are all out there and caring. I have made an appointment with Steve Harley to try and get some advice on how to handle this situation.<P>SKM, <BR>The two of us had a very calm conversation, mostly about his new job, which he clearly is enjoying. I asked him if he wanted some lunch and although he had plans to have something at his Mom’s house he accepted the offer. The only advice I offered is that I think if he continues to avoid the children he will regret it long term and also reminded him that one of the reasons all this came about is because the children wanted nothing to do with OW. He didn’t respect their feelings on this and tried to get them used to her by taking them around to his place and ensuring that she had left her personal belongings in full view. He admits that this was deliberate on his part. There was so much of it on display that the eldest described it as looking like a cosmetic warehouse. They made me promise that if they went there again and she was there that I would come and pick them up. If you are unhappy ask your Dad to bring you home, I told them. <P>In the beginning, although they may never have accepted her, they may have in time come to tolerate her. However, because he had left without really thinking about how he was going to deal with visits to them, the situation had been mismanaged (he admits OW had input into how to handle the children) and was now no longer recoverable. He has agreed to respect their decision on this regarding no contact with the OW. <P>He will indeed have to make appointments to see his children. They need to know when he is next going to see them again. Just saying, ’I will ring you’ is insufficient when they are already very insecure as a consequence of his actions. There has been a tremendous amount of damage done. <P>My children are hurt and in pain and it will take a lot of effort on his part to regain some of the closeness they once had. I do not think they will ever be able to have again the trust and intimacy they once shared, at least not as long as the A is on going.<P>The other issue which needs to be addressed is how to make his visits more relaxed. Before contact was broken off last November, he tried to make every visit an occasion. Trips to the movies, days out shopping for clothes for them, etc., etc.. He was trying too hard and as a consequence they never fully relaxed with each other because the visit was always so forced and artificial. <P>I can’t force him to do anything , SKM. But his last message to me did sound hopeful, don’t you think?<P>Sing,<BR>Thanks for the good wishes. I have been reading about your struggles and hope that you can find a happy ending to your story.<P><BR>Hopelessmom, <BR>You used the word scared in your message and that is absolutely what he is at this moment. Scared of the guilt, scared of dealing with the OW, scared of seeing the pain he has caused. I describe him to my mother as the ‘Running Man’ because he is running away from reality but he can only run for so long and than when it does catch up with him the enormity of what he has done will hit like a freight train. <P>Wish me luck,<P>Hope<BR>

I hope he will resume contact with the children, abiding by their wishes not to be with the OW. I can see why there is considerable damage. Our youngest had just turned 17 when our problems began. He will be 20 in April. While I believe he would have had some emotional problems without all our trouble, I believe considerable damage has been done to him which can never be fixed. I think he saw something he had yet told me about. When we have confrontations over anything he always says he hates his dad and always will. That tears my heart apart, because now when I look back on everything, I have to admit that I used him to a degree to try and get H to stay in the marriage. All I can do about that is ask God's forgiveness. You sound like a wonderful mother with only the children's best interest in mind. It also sounds as if you have a pretty good relationship with your H at this point. Keep up the good work!!