Ok, I may be slow but I am starting to figure out the real source of all of our troubles. One word: ATTITUDE!!!<P>When I was young (a few decades ago), my dad (bless his heart) used to lecture me about my attitude. How I hated those lectures. He did it in such a kind and gentle way that I had to listen. He spoke from his heart and even though I hated to hear it, I did. Boy am I glad I did. <BR>My dad said that if I learned one thing in life was to have a good attitude, he will have done his job. I know he meant more than that but this is the primary difference between H & I. <P>H's family never discussed this with him or any of the other siblings. They grew up having to survive (literally) on their own. Does that excuse the A. No but regardless of what excuse is now brought up, everything comes back to the fact that H can not recover as long as his attitude is bad. <P>H used to be a moral man. H feels that he can not maintain a relationship with God now. H feels this is why he can not come back to his family. To a certain extent, I agree. However I think this is only an excuse for him to continue in his current course. He does not want to do what it takes to have an attitude adjustment. <P>I told H that in my opinion, how can he make progressive attempt to come back to God or his family as long as he is holding the hands of Satan & OW? Conflict of interest? Definitely!!! <P>Ability to correct his attitude is the step to coming back. Without it we have to watch him throw away everything in his life that is of value. <P>Any opinions, thoughts or comments?<P>Thanks,<BR>L.<BR>

I agree w/you. . he doesn't yet see that he can have a future w/you (or God or himself, for that matter) yet. More paitence on your part. I think they have alot of things they need to work out on their own before they can see that things can work w/us.<P>Maybe try if you can, to make yourself a safe place for him to talk about his feelings?? Just listen to him, and encourage him about the future. I've been trying to do just that and I think it's working . . he's still got a little way to go (contact has not completely stopped yet), but I know my love bank is WAY fuller than OW's, we're gonna get thru this, just some more time. Try to help him if you can. He's going to have a lot of guilt (as he should), show him he can be forgiven if he truely wants it.<P>BTW-I'm not saying that you aren't doing those things, just speaking from my current situation and noticing what's been working for me!!

Attitude.<P>You got it, my H & I could have worked everything out if only he had/have the attitude that we could.

Michele Weiner-Davis (author of "Divorce Busting" and a few other excellent marriage books) calls this "act as if." You "act as if" until it IS. Simple, really...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>