I read so many of these threads. I even write in a few of them myself. But you said something to Hopless mom that meant so much to ME. <P>It is the fact that even if the offer of reconciling is not appreciated that One is still worth it. I struggle so much with the dying conflagration of my affection for my H, but even the fire dying leaves glowing embers there. It still hurts to know he loves another and that I cannot reach him. I have tried so hard. And all I've received is pain for my efforts and no movement toward me of my H. I have given the pain to God, and taken it back many times. If I could just leave it there, I would not be so hurt, but an impatient heart is hard to control. <P>I will hold my head up high, even though my H shows no emotion. He still has no qualms with his behavior, and I still do. He has been out 5 weeks, and even that is not what I thought it would be. But I am getting used to that also. <P>I do not want divorce, but I want to move on, too. I cannot break my vows of faithfulness, but I still need love. What does one do? Will I have to free myself in the end, so i can be free to find love again? I am torn with this problem. <P>I will print out your thread so I can read it again. It really stirred me. I need to hear words like that more often. thanks.<P>Beth

Dear B,<P>Oh how my heart goes out to you. All of us caught in this endless cycle of pain and frustration. Knowing that the resolution is beyond our control, we can only ask the patience to wait it out and then be able to go on with our lives. I am sorry I was not able to respond sooner. I asked H over to read some of the posts that I had sent him today. I frequently send him posts from different ones. Today I sent him the one from Clarity, it touched my heart so and I wanted to see if it would soften his also. I was wrong. H does not believe he is in a fog. He feels he knows full well what he is doing. From what I see, he is not ready to repent or return home. I have tried my best. I have told H that I will try no more. While I do not want or wish a divorce, I am reconciling myself to prepare for the worst. I sat there in front of him crying while I was recalling happy momments of our marriage, our wedding, birth of our son, trips to Yosemite (this was hard because he just took OW there), visiting with friends, our first trip to Hawaii, etc. Those momments did not seem to phase him, instead he 'fell asleep' while I was crying. I also said a prayer asking God for the strength to continue and to please help my husband. Then I left him in the office and went in my room to cry. He came and briefly said a part of him wants to come back but not enough to make him do it. He has said this all along. The only thing this means to me is that despite what a part of him feels, in reality he is not coming back. I need to be at peace with myself. My son needs to feel love and eventually I know that I will need that reassurance also. <P>I am glad to have helped you a little. Our journeys are down the same paths and so we here at this board share a bond that few understand. Knowing that I have tried my best and seeing how much we are all struggling along has been inspirational to me. The will to go on is a powerful thing. I know that despite what may happen, I will go on. My son will grow up knowing that he has at least the love and support of his mother and other family members even if his father chooses to go out of his life forever. <P>You & I appear to be in a similar spot in our lives. H told me he still wants to be with the OW. I can not control or change that for him. My insight of their future has no bearing with him. Therefore, I need to focus my attention where I can have an impact. I need to let go of my H. Let us please help each other. You have said that you have given your pain to God. I know I still have a relationship with the Heavenly Creator and I too am turning over what is beyond my control to the One who can read the thoughts and intentions of the heart. <P>I am reminded of the 55th Ps. I would like to share excerpts of those verses:<P>Ps 55: 1-22: "Do give ear, O God, to my prayer, And do not hid yourself my request for favor. Do pay attention to me and answer me. I am driven restlessly about by my concern, and I cannot but show disquietude. Due to the voice of the enemy, because of the pressure of the wicked one. For they keep dropping upon me what is hurtful, and in anger they harbor animosity against. My very heart is in severe pain within me. and the frights of death itself have fallen upon me. .....For it was not an enemy that proceeded to reproach me; otherwise I could put up with it....But it was you, a mortal man who was my equal, one familiar to me and my acquantiance. Because we used to enjoy sweet intimancy together.... Into the house of God we used to walk in the throng..... For during their alien residence bad things have been within them. Smoother than butter are the words of his mouth, but his heart is disposed to fight. His words are softer than oil, but they are drawn swords.....<BR>Throw your burden on Jehovah himself. And he himself will sustain you. Never will he allow the righteous one to totter....."<P>These are strong words, most of which match what I know I am going through. Even if my H makes statments that may at times sound good like smooth butter and softer than oil, if his attitude is not right, then the effect of those words are still ones that causes fighting and stabbing at the heart. I have asked that God protect us from those stabbing words. That is all I can do for now. I have thrown my burden on my God and I know he will sustain me. <P>Please take care. Thank you for your kind words, they have strengthen me. Sorry for the long post (must be a bad habit I have). <P>L. <P>

Dear B,<P>How are you doing? Just checking. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Thanks again for your response. The Ps is right on the mark. I must say I am not as versed in the bible as others, but I do pray and give my burdens to God as I am able. It is hard sometimes.<P>Thanks again<P>Beth

Hi B,<P>I am glad to hear from you. I believe you have more strength than you realize. We all have an inner strength that kicks in when we are down. <P>Hey, whatami just posted a long but meaningful post. If you get a chance, take a look at it. It was encouraging to me. Hope it will do the same for you.<P>By the way, I just read your post STIA2. You did real well. I was impressed. See, I knew you had it in you. Keep up the good work. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited March 15, 2001).]