We had a great weekend, except when I had to leave, we had good talks Sunday nite & Monday nite. . then OW calls. Now it's been taken down a notch. We're still talking, but I can tell a big difference in him since then. Not so many I love you's & I miss you's.<P>He's gotten himself into such a mess with her & he doesn't know how to get out. I want to tell him how, but it's something he's going to have to realize & work thru on his own. Backsliding sucks!! I mean when she's out of the picture for a few days, he seems so happy, but then after they have contact it's like he clams up again. He doesn't even realize that I don't think. I remember telling him one time a while ago-after we had a really good nite together here & then she threw one of her hissy fits-that when he left here he seemed so happy & after talking with her he wasn't again. He said "I was??". Like he didn't even know it. He's tourturing himself & doesn't even realize it I don't think, or doesn't realize that it's her that's making him feel this way. When will he see how happy he is when we're together??

bitsy - just hang on! The best thing you can do is be consistent and confident, as hard as that is. Be a good listener and validate, validate, validate!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Dave

Hi Bitsy,<P>I sure hope your H realizes what he has done and finally leaves ow. <P>Of course, that is what I selfishly want for me and our 3 children.<P>They hold on like a bull dog, I read; passion is so strong and ending it is not easy for them because they can't make up their mind.<BR> <BR>elo

Hi, Honey. Yup, I'm still checking on you.<P>We talked about this, remember? You can do it. He's waffling....that's actually not a bad thing. A heck of a lot better than pushing you away completely. We all know he's not just gonna up and say "Oh, my stars, what have I done, can you please, PLEASE forgive me?" and tell OW to take a flying leap! Wish they would and maybe they do for non-emotional affairs, but it just doesn't seem to happen very much when they fall "in love". It's more than not knowing how to get out.....she still provides something. Trouble is (for HER that is ) that her annoyances will get bigger than what she provides. And you'll still be there, standing strong. He's dealing with a lot right now - in the middle of the move, reconciling his own behavior, your change in behavior, what's going on with her, remembering how he felt that made him leave to begin with. Yup, he's got a lot to sort out right now!<P>You're doing fine, just be strong and consistant. Remember, all this growing and learning is NOT to win him back, it's to make you an even more wonderful person! That makes it easier to take the ride.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

Oh Bitsey,<P>I know just what you mean. When my H is with me and it feels good I wonder how he can go back to OW, yet it seems he can be sucked right back with no problem. Will they ever be free of that addiction? I worry for our recovery because now that I have seen how strong her pull is, I dont think he will be stong enough to ever go no contact. <P>I wish she was more of a ***** so he could start to see that side more quickley, but it seems his affair is destined to die a long slow painful decline before it dies, and I dont know if I can outlast it. <P>I almost wish I didnt have the ups to show me the possibilities of our relationship again, only to be draged back down when he withdraws after contact with OW.<P>I dont think they see at all. I think they have to justify again how they are not happy with us to go back to OW so they block that out. They are master compartmentalizers.<P>Lora

I don't know if you've been following my story or not (Come on baby lift my fog), but I was the WS and I think I know exactly what your husband is going through. At the peak of my EA, I was convinced I belonged with my wife when I was with her. The second I had any contact with the OW I felt like I belonged with her. What's important is that it appears that he wants you when he is with you, and you must know that the love the two of you have is the real love. I knew all along that what I had with my wife was right and that never left my brain. It got fogged over, but it never went away and I eventually realized it. Be encouraged that part of him still knows it's you he wants deep down inside. Stay strong. If I can come back, he can come back.

Bitsy - you are doing great. You continually deposit love units while OW withdraws. Yes, he's waffling, but her bank account is depleting while yours is filling up. Stay strong, you are the one being honest, open and loving and you are the one being supportive. Let her dig herself deeper.<BR>Hang on!!<p>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited March 14, 2001).]

bitsy,<P>It is night time. The war is on. You are wearing those night vision goggles, she can't see a thing. You have the utmost control, even though it may not seem like it. Sorry, that was my best analogy. You just keep it up, it takes time, but you are winning. Some days are tough, but you have the strength.

Bitsy,<BR>YOU KNOW from past exp. that soon the OW will pressure Jim just like she did before he moved. IF SHE BUGS HIM ENOUGH he will repell and change his ph#. and tell her off. She is not the type of woman to be without a man for long, after she does'nt see him a while, she will look for someone else. What would you bet she was doing at the bar when I saw her on Sat. night????? KEEP YOUR COOL, you have already proven you are strong enough. love you....

You guys kick a**!!<P>WAT-I'm trying, pretty sure I'm consistant w/him, but it's my feelings that I'm having trouble convincing!<P>elo-ending it is hard, he's been talking about it for over a month, contact has diminished, but not stopped. I'm still here!<P>lostva-you know, my cheerleader!<P>Lora-I know, I need to find some way to just ignore it when I feel her pulling again-still working on that one!<P>Clarity-yes I've been following your post, I commend you. It makes me feel good to hear that you really knew deep down all along, I think he does too. I may be posting some questions to you later, hope you don't mind.<P>Alberta-I know that my bank is getting fuller & fuller, I'm hanging on, this is what I want.<P>Rick-I LOVE it, perfect analogy, it actually gave me goose bumps! That's exactly how I'm going to think about it!<P>B-love you!<P>Thanks guys!

bitsy,<P>you can feel free to post me if you have questions and i'll try my best to answer them. it might be a nice distraction from my withdrawal! hope i can help.

Hi Bitsy:<P>I been keeping up with your story and I feel for you because I've been there. You just have to remember that the pull of the OW is strong...not that she is any better then you or have any special attraction apparent to the rest of the world...to your WS she is or was special and she provided him something...and she still has that power to attract him back to her...in spite of how much he wants to get away from her. My WS's affair has been over for about six months and OW lives 2 hours away but she still has the power to crook her finger and he's there....not for what she wants...the true commitment she can never have...but for what he needs from her. And until he can free himself from his addition to her then we continue to be apart, physically at least. <P>My one question still remains...why does she continue to want to pursue him....and my anwer is for the power...the power to have someone at your bidding...at least for a while.<P>He too appears much happier, healtier and more productive away from her...but like a true addiction he can't stay away.<P>But he is trying...and in time I think he will be over her...in his own time...it's not something I can force. My patience and my stick-to-it nature have always been a virtue. I have had time to heal and grow stronger through all of this...and whatever happens I will survive with myself intact...and so will you. <P>I think given time and patience you will have your WS back..just don't give up...not not...when the goal's in sight.<P>Faye.<BR>

Dear Bitsy,<P>Been following your posts and sorry to hear about H's step back, but that doesn't mean that you have to step back also. Keep going forward. He will catch up soon. <P>Take care, gotta go on this cruise thing early in the morning and still need to pack. I probably won't be around posting until Monday. MB withdrawal?!?!?! <P>H will be baby sitting our son. Hope some bonding time happens. One of the girls from work is coming along. She is the one that has been of great help to me during this ordeal. It is a company sponsered event. Hope I don't get too sick on the ship. <P>It usually takes me 7 days to relax but this cruise is for 3 days. Oh well, will make the best of it. <P>Check back with you on Monday,<BR>L.

Bitsy, When she calls, does he talk to her? <P>My H came home and had contact with her, over the phone and online, til Nov 10. But since then, and she still tries about once a month, he just feels slimy. He will not speak or respond to her. His fog lifted back then and he saw her for what she was...a married woman who was trying to seduce a well-off married man who loves his W and is trying to get his life back. His head and heart were finally in the right place and she couldn't "touch" him. <BR>I don't know how long this is supposed to take but I can only think that if you are the best YOU you can be, he will see that. He says he loves YOU

Thanks again everyone for the encouraging words. . I need to hear them when I'm down. It always helps to get an outsiders point of view to let me know that things really are going much better for me than they seem. Sometimes I expect to be like Jeanie & blink my eyes & it's over. . I know it takes time.<P>Now here's some more good news (just like you were all telling me would come). . when I talked to him last night he told me he hadn't talked to her since Monday. . and he doesn't plan on it. He said, Well, I'm not going to call her. He said, You can't even have an intelligent conversation with her. All she ever talks about is when the last time she went out was, and who was trying to pick her up. I just said, sounds like she's trying to make you jelous. He said, Yea, it's working (he was being sarcastic). Then we moved on to talking about something else.<P>So, while I have my night vision goggles, and all the ammo. in the world, the only equiptment she's got in this war is a shovel! Should I offer to give her a hand in digging her own grave?????

She doesn't need a hand bitsy....she can handle that all by herself! Watch and see.