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#905066 03/14/01 11:29 AM
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sosorry Offline OP
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I have a question...it may seem trivial, but it bothers me.<BR>My husband and I are recommitted after surviving my affair then his retaliation affair. It will be 1 year on June 23rd when he decided we were worth a try. He returned my wedding band last August which I wear. He still won't wear his. Last time we talked about it (New Year's Eve) he said "it doesn't mean anything anymore". Should I press the issue of him wearing his again? It means alot to me...in a way I guess I feel it would be closure and a recommittment.

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my H doesn't really care about his wedding band. He wears it because I asked him to and told him it is important to me. It is so unimportant to him that he forgets it at home a couple of times per week. It doesn't mean that my H is not committed. It just means the ring isn't that symbolic for him. Is that what your H feels or is there an underlying reason?

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sosorry,<P>wow I was just thinking about this today and low and behold I come to the board and I see your post. I am a BS, my H and I have been in recovery for almost 1yr. It has been up and down but the last two months have been extremely good. I also have yet to put my wedding ring back on. The diamond fell out, one week before my H started what I call the second round of his A, was that an omen or what!! He had a 1yr EA/PA. I found out about in DEC 1999 but did not know it was PA- as H swore it was only "friendship" well he promised no contact but for the next 4 months there was some but minor contact- yet he always had an excuse and I always bought it. Then in end April the PA started again while I was away visiting my sister. I found out in May and H confessed to the PA also. <P> I kept meaning to take my ring in to get it fixed but just never seemed to have the time- in actuality I have avoided it. I just can not seem to bring myself to want to wear it again. I am not sure what is holding me back since I know that I want to be with my H and I want our marriage. I too feel like your H in that it just does not hold the same meaning for me. My H wears his, but he has never said anything to me about my not wearing mine. I guess deep down I wish he would, I wonder if it means much to him. I have often wanted him to take the responsibility of getting it fixed. However, even if he did I still do not know if I would feel good about wearing it. I have tried to come up with the reasons why, hear is what I know so far. <P> Although my H is being wonderful now I still am struggling with forgiveness. I want to feel as if we have really dealt with it, can accept it, and are at peace with it. For me I am not there yet- working hard at it- but still not there. I feel that after this is done then we could be in a place where we could perhaps renew our vows, both understanding and fully comprehending what they mean. I want us to be ready to not only say them, but also honor and cherish them until death. My H has told me many times that he will never cheat again and that he indeed wants to be with me for the rest of our lives, but I do not think just saying these words make them true. It is just like meeting someone and dating for a couple of weeks then saying lets get married. It is also similar to the A where he was able to say the words "I love you" to OW. He says he just said the words but he did not really mean them and that really bothers me. I want us both to feel that we fully understand what it means to say I love you, to be married and to make sacred vows to each other. I also want to know that he feels the same way I do- before I just assumed he did. So for me I guess it is like we are still dating and not quite ready for the next step yet. It is not that I do not consider my self still married or that I am not still bound to honor it, I do and am.<BR> I guess my heart still has doubts and needs closure. I do want the day to come where my H once again places it on my finger, but I want to accept it will my full heart, mind and soul. I am confident that day will come there is just some more work to be done. Perhaps this is where your H is at. Maybe you need to ask him what he needs in order to have it be meaningful. Maybe he feels there is still more to be worked out for you both before it can seem "real" for him again. Thank you for your post it made me do the investigative work to aid my progress. I hope I have helped you in some small way. Good luck.<P><BR>Joyful

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I'm the BS. My H and I have been talking about getting new wedding bands. I don't want to wear my old wedding bands because it reminds me of the problems that lead to the affair in the first place and of how hurt I felt when I noticed H had stopped wearing his. He now wears a matching necklace and bracelet with OW. I didn't realize she had the same ones until I saw her a few days ago.<P>My H and I are going on a cruise April 1st and have talked about renewing our vows while out at sea. Funny thing is, he's still trying to leave OW.

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Thank you for posting this!!!! I am the BS and H left four months ago and H took off his ring in December to "prove" that its was over. He has filed paperwork against me an has done and said a ton of cruel things to me even though I was on Plan A and being nice to him. The last two weeks I have been thinking about taking off my rings because it hurts to look at them. They had much meaning to me. I took them off yesterday......

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I know the pain you are feeling as you would look at those rings. I am 7 months post d-day from my H affair that was 4 mtns long. He ended it 8 months before I found out. A child was produced from the A and thats how I found out.<BR>Before I discovered the affair, it always bothered me when he would forget his ring. He did alot of handy work and didn't want to ruin it. I don't think he ever intentionally forgot to put it on. Sure enough if he forgot, I would call or have it ready to be put on when he got home.<BR>After d-day I took mine off about 3 months later.I decided to do this after he forgot to wear it to our first couple theapy session, and I brought it with me I realized, it didn't mean much to me anymore, the vows were broken. He forgot the second session and called me to bring it, *I* intentionally forgot. I really didn't care if he wore it or not.<BR>As I said, I stopped wearing mine in Oct. He asked me in early Jan why I haven't worn my rings for "a few days"! I replied, "It has been a few months. I told him that it didn't mean the same thing anymore and that all the promises we made he broke with his A. I also said that it bothered me when he touched me with his ring on as I knew that ring touched her. He has since stopped wearing his. It botheres me both ways, It would symbolize that he wants to be with me, but it wouldn't mean the same thing or as much. I'm kindof glad he doean't wear it, although I miss it. When I asked him why he stopped he said because he knew it bothered me. So I guess he is listening and unfortunately he is inbetween a rock and a hard place. But it means alot that he is thinking of how things are affecting me.<BR>I agree with the previous post, we will renew our vows when we are ready and when we really and truely understand what they really mean. When WE can honor thier meaning. I want to get the rings reset for I cant use the old ones. They are tainted to me and a new set would symbolize this new beginning.<BR>What you are feeling is natural. I would ask him if he wants to reset or renew? Talk about your feelings. My H and I talk more now than ever, even if it hurts alot, we get thru. If he knows how you feel it would help him. Let him know what bothers you about it and ask him about what bothers him. Maybe reseting will be symbolize a new beginning for him. It may be just the ring, and not about how he feels about you.You say you are recommitted and he loves you.<BR>One more example and then I will stop rambling. A few days after I asked him why he removed his rings he left for a business trip. I'm usually so busy getting the kids off to school I give him a kiss and he is off to work. That day I stood by the door watching him drive away. He called from his cell and asked what was wrong. I said it bothered me that he wasn't wearing it on his trip. He replied "I wish you would have told me, I would have put it on." Just another example of what telling your feelings may accomplish, no matter how trivial it may SEEM, it isn't trivial to you if you are feeling it.<BR>Sorry so long, just my thoughts.

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My husband had never worn his wedding band much because of they type work he did in the military. They were advised not to wear them because of the possiblity of being hooked on small parts and losing a finger...pretty good reason in my book. However, it became a habit not to wear it and it didn't fit any more because he had gained weight. It wouldn't have stopped him from having an affair, but the sight of it might have made some difference.<P>Anyway, after the revelation and end of the affair I asked him to begin wearing it again. He is no longer in the military and there are no safety issues....we had it resized so it fits again. I never stopped wearing my rings....never felt like they didn't mean anything or were tainted in any way. We considered new rings, but he lost his job so that was put on a back burner. Now, three years later and fully healed, we had my engagement ring reset into a different band. It wasn't because of the affair, but just because I wanted something different after almost 24 years. I told the jeweler I was keeping the husband, but changing the ring....much less expensive! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

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I am the BS and I took my wedding ring off for about 6-8 weeks in Aug/Sept/Oct. My H was still having his EA and finally noticed after a couple weeks. He has never worn his d/t his work but has occ. worn it when we go out. It never bothered me that he didn't wear it but if we get back together (I'm still hoping) then I have to do serious thinking about him wearing one or put it on a chain around his neck.<P>My therapist said to me that even if we don't get divorced we will still have to get "divorced" because the old marriage is over and a new one has to begin. While part of me agrees with that, part of me feels that the vow I took in the first marriage "for better or for WORSE" is what we lived thru. So I am thinking well, maybe an additional type ring, "recovery" ring or something (just talking out loud) would be an additional reminder that 'WE SURVIVED'.<P>If we do get back together, I would almost definetly want to renew my vows in my new church since I have become a Christian during this trial of my life. That would become important to me and hopefully him. <P>As I said, I am hoping still although we have not reconcilled or working on it but I am with Plan A and he claims that "he broke up with OW" so Maybe.<P>Just some thoughts.<BR>Hopelessmom

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Since I took my wedding rings off last week, family gave me a new ring to wear in its place-this way they said people won't ask why I am not wearing a ring if I am still married. Before I felt like a walking advertisement for a broken marriage. I think it was a neat idea and thoughtful....

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sosorry Offline OP
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Thanks for your insight. I am going to use several of your thoughts to approach my husband about putting his wedding band back on. The family that gave you the ring in place of your wedding band (so as not to advertise a broken marriage)...that was very thoughtful. That is how I feel everytime I look at my husband's finger...a reminder of what happened. I would rather see a reminder of what we will become despite what happened! As I stated in my first post, June 23rd will be one year since he decided we were worth a try...I think I will ask him about making that our "new anniversary" since the old one is difficult for him. It is so funny how so many of you echo my thoughts...this is a good website and I appreciate your willingness to share.

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sosorry,<P>I have friends who did another wedding ceremony-small with just close friends and family and this is their "new" anniversary....just a thought...

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Two weeks after D-day, my husband and I had an overnight getaway. We stopped at a shopping mall, to kill some time, before seeing a movie.<P>Although we were shopping around for new athletic shoes for him, he kept staring at jewelry store display windows and finally he commented that he desparately wanted to get me a new ring . . . that is something we really cannot afford. And, for me, at the time, I didn't consider it essential; I just wanted my husband to love me and be sure of it . . . <P>Several months later, I saw a piece of jewelry in a mail order catalog, called Abbey Press (it's a Christian themed mail order catalog and seems to have very lovely items in it). Anyway, the piece of jewelry is a beautiful sterling silver locket, referred to as "The Memorial Tear". It is in the shape of a teardrop, with a rose engraved on the front. The teardrop embodies loss, while the rose in its center is symbolic of God's never-ending love.<P>There is a notation, with the locket . . . "The treasure left within the tear is love that never ends." (1 Corinthians 13:8, 13)<P>I have considered purchasing it for myself . . . but I wonder if it would serve as a reminder of the greatest pain I've ever endured in my life . . . in some ways, I think it would be better to find something else that would be symbolic of a new beginning, but I have yet to see a piece of jewelry that symbolizes that for me . . . <P>Sometimes I feel like removing my wedding band . . . because what it stood for became tarnished and was violated . . . but I don't know that that is the answer either . . . sigh . . .


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