<p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Hi Roger,<P>I am writing to you as the wife of a man who is the WS. My husband also succumbed to a Chinese woman, here in the states who protrayed herself as a upright, moral, virtuous woman in good standing and loved her family. This woman has turned out (if you have opportunity to read some of my other posts) to be Mrs. Psyco Babble. A very controlling, manipulative, lying, agressive, greedy and selfish person. She probably doesn't look as bad as she sounds but neither do the criminals doing time in prison. She has no morals and does not care about anyone but herself. <P>Now I am not judging the person you are writing about, but there is a lot of questionable items in this story that you are relating. What is it about this woman that makes her so wanted by so many men? How honest is she being with you? Are you sure you know this person? My H thinks he knows his OW very well and at the same time says he does not know her (confusing? yes, he is very confused in more ways than one). <P>Let me tell you something else so that you do not think I am writing this out of being prejudice. I am also of Asian descent. I know family values and have a high respect for them. I also now that 'sometimes' men may make advances but a woman does know how to put them off before it gets to the point of no return. However, some women enjoy walking on the edge and like to see their 'men' fight for them. <P>Is she really worth fighting for? Is she what you really need in your life? Is this the type of wife you want to have here? Is she going to be different here than in China?<P>Just some questions to think about. I feel your pain. You have the right to know if she is going to be faithful to you. Once someone has been unfaithful, it is difficult to regain the trust. Are you prepared for what is ahead?<P>Take care,<BR>L.

Different cultures handle things like this differently. In America, what you describe would be similar to what is called date rape. Many women never report date rape because they feel that they in some way have "asked for it" or because there was no violence. In America, people in authority can and sometimes (often?) do use their authoritative positions to intimidate someone into a sexual relationship or situation... unfortunately, this seems to be something that police officers get away with with frightening regularity.<P>I know that in some cultures it is not uncommon for a sister to be "sacrificed" in some manner for the good of the male members of the family - or to be "used" as payment for favors done the family.<P>Rodger, look at what you have written: "1. Assume this is absolutely true which I believe it is." If you do believe the story you have told us is absolutely true, then you need to simply decide you are or are not going to "put up with" what has happened. If this is the first time anything like this has ever happened in her life, it doesn't mean that it will happen again and again.<P>However, I sense you are feeling perhaps that she was attracted to this man because he is younger than yourself - and that is making you feel a little insecure? Believe me, age and attractiveness make no difference in an affair. As a matter of fact, for some strange reason, many of the wayward spouses of people who post here on this site have destroyed their marriages over decidedly unattractive individuals!<P>I guess what I am trying to say is that we cannot decide if your wife had an affair, or if she was 'date-raped' - only she and you can decide that. I wonder if it is that she does not feel any guilt, or if it is simply that cultural conditioning is not allowing her to acknowledge that what happened was, indeed, rape because she did not want it to happen. If she didn't want it, and cultural conditioning "forced her" to go along with the man's request, then she should rightly not feel any guilt at all! It is sad that a culture would allow or encourage this use of women, but it most certainly does happen in many places.<P>It sounds to me as though there are many issues you need to settle between you and your wife. Without knowing significantly more about your situation, it would be difficult for us to make any kind of judgment.<P>I know this response is not particularly helpful, but I want to give the lady the benefit of the doubt. Cultural differences, in particular, can create a great deal of stressors in a marriage unless you and your wife are very clear that your paths and goals are the same.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Dear Roger,<P>I apologize for writing such a strong response. It was a rushed post and I wanted to get in everything (mostly without giving it a lot of thought) before I had to leave work and pick up my son. <P>I guess I was worried that you may have entered a marriage with someone you did not know very well and now had to deal with this type of situation. In some of the Oriental cultures a women's submission to any man is sometimes tolerated and even encouraged. The fact that your wife claims that she had to fend off the advances of other men, makes me wonder why is she going somewhat against the cultural grain. In any culture sharing information like that with one's spouse is sure to raise doubts of fidelity. <P>There is just something here that does not sound right. I hope that I am wrong in my suspicions and that your wife is truly a good person caught with some undesireable characters. You do wonder why she was even in those situations. Is there someone one you both can confide into? Like a married couple that you individually can talk to? Does she have friends here? <P>Many of the young ones that come to this country look upon Americans as fulfilling a dream that doesn't really exist. Some will sacrafice themselves in search of this dream. You can not convince foreigners that the American dream is not a free give away to all citizens. Family values, true love and happiness can be gained anywhere there is love. Rich or poor does not make a happy loving family. <P>I am a 3rd generation here. My grandparents migrated to Hawaii in the early 1900s. My parents grew up with the mixed American and Oriental culture. I have been blessed by the wisdom of my grandmothers and the loving guidance of my parents. Basically my background is a mixture of both culturals that at times clash. Keeping respect for oneself has helped me use the best of both cultures. <P>I hope your fears can be dispelled. Please continue to post your thoughts here. If I have overstepped my boundaries, I apologize. I have a great adversion to people being taken advantage of. My downfall.<P>Take Care,<BR>L

I feel that if you think that this story is true then it is. There is not reason to go any furthur with your questioning or your doubts. I think that fact that your wife tod you this fact at all instead of keeping it a secret makes it credible.<P>I know for a fact that the influence of authority figures can be daunting to one not so self assured. If this is coupled with a HUGE favor, the idea of physical payback is not entirely unexpected if that was the policeman's motive. this happens a lot. The fact that she did not want to turn this situation into a fearful one--more aggressive on his part or a threat of exposure of the act(which facilitates date rape.) I think that this cannot be held against her. <P>Think hard about this and your reaction. It may make or break your marriage. She wants you to stand up for her even though she could not stand up for herself at that time. (Perhaps.) Good luck.

Well the hard thing to deal with is that the spouse has al the thinking in her head for what happened exactly but is not willing to discuss it with her husband. So I asked a Chinese girlfriend of hers that she confided in to explain it to me. The girlfriend said that the police in China have a lot of power. Often they are corrupt. She said in my wife's mind was that if she refused to have sex with the policeman when he asked then he could undo everything she worked for for the entire month regarding her brother. Then her brother would be in big trouble and she would not feel satisfied to leave China. The other thing on her mind according to her friend was that maybe the policeman could do something or say something so that her immigration to the USA would be refused. We got married in China and she was waiting to get to the USA. The USA date was set for December 20th and the incident happened December 11th. So all I wanted was for her to express to me what her friend told me. Well we do have to go through language translation people right now so that's another difficulty in communication with her. She really wants to just forget the whole thing. Doesn't seem to be affected like rape victim's are. So that's why I thought maybe she like it a little but she told her girlfriend and me that no she definitely did not want to have sex with this man. In the previous 7 months actually several other people propositioned her but she was able to refuse and told them she is a married woman now. So then I thought why could she refuse these people and yet not this police gentleman. So for a few weeks I was trying to figure out was it an affair, was it rape or was it prostitution (selling your body in exchange for money or favors.). I think she was put on the spot and it was a mistake to let the policeman invite himself in to her room in the evening. She said she did not want him to lose "face" because he did so much for her. Sometimes she is confused between thinking it was worthwhile because of what he did for her brother and other times she admits she was at fault, she was wrong and she made a mistake. Sh is truly sorry. She just wants me to forget everything and not think about it. It gets her very upset. Otherwise she is very happy and is the same woman I met before all this happened. For me it kind of shattered my dream of the perfect woman. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I can sort of imagine now the whole scenario. She said she was worried about getting preganant at the time and thought if that happened she would take a pill to abort the baby. She did not think about the possibility of AIDS. In fact it was because she caught several sexual diseases that this was discovered. The doctor phoned me up and told me. Then when I told her this, she admitted right away the whole incident in great detail but only she left of the details of her thought process of why she could not say no, and the part about her worries that somehow the policeman might cancel what he did for her brother or what she was thinking about her husband the whole time he was doing it to her. Probably I am wrong to expect this detail. It happened, she made an error in judgement ot forsight and that's that. I do believe she has no intention to repeat something like this and perhaps it is a blessing in disguise that she will try to be a very good wife. For a man I think these things are hard to accfept and most would just think divorce right away. The woman I think would try to work things out. I asked her if I did the same thing then what would she do? She said she would be angry but she would forgive me. I asked her if I did it again what would she do. She said the same, she would try to forgive and forget. She pleaded with me just to forget it. I think this is the best solution but it is hard to just turn on the erase function in my mind. That would be nice. Actually I do like to just forget it and then our marriage would be very good. So the main thing is I am fighting with my own mind, not with my wife. We were very happy last week and then I decided to ask a couple of realtionship doctor's why such a thing might happen. She asked me who wrote me the Emails and I explained I got some doctor's advice. Then she got upset because she thought I had already gotten over everything and put everything behind me. The doctor's explaned to me the China possibility of what happened and yesterday her close Chinese girlfriend that I trust (who was my good friend before my wife met her) confirmed what the doctor suspected. So to me it would be called date rape. I though before to find some friend in China to confirm her story and even to trick the policeman into admitting guilt. I have read on this group that going after these people doesn't pay off and just aggravates everything. Of course in the rape case I hate to see the policeman get away with such abuse. In Beijing the penalty is severe for such a thing but in the smaller towns nothing is done about this. I heard it is a common occurence. AT first she was willing to go to court but a week later she changed her mind. She said they would just laugh at her and then her family and all her friends would know. She said she would rather commit suicide than to tell her family. In my mind were just selfish thoughts about how she betrayed her husband. I told her before maybe out of anger that her mother would not have approved such a thing, her brother's wife would not have done such a thing and her close girlfriend also said she would not do something like that and that it was wrong. What annoys me most is that a week before all this happened I knew she had to talk to many officials to help her brother. SO I thought this could be bad news because sex would be on their mind. She is attractive. She wrote an angry Email back and said no, only money is required to bribe officials in China. For some of the people this was the case. But then this policeman told her that he could do everything for her. He said why pay money to these other people when he could do it for free. Then after everything was done he was outside of her apartment and asked if he could come in. She felt she could not refuse. He said he just wanted to talk. She showed him pictures of her husband in the USA. She sensed he did not like that she was marrying a foreign husband. Then he undid his pants. She told him no and pushed him away. She told him it would destroy her marriage. She said he only had a smirk on his face removed his pants and hers and did it. After that he quickly left because his own wife knowing what kind of man he is always tried to check up on him and find out where he was. I still kind of feel like checking out the story but then it shows a mistrust. My wife has always been very open about everything in her past and talking about all past relationships. But checking this out does not help the healing process and only keeps things fresh in my mind. So I think I do have to drop it. Every affair or rape case is slightly different but the feelings of the husband in al these cases is probably quite similar. So it is a fight with my mind. I have to tell my mind to settle down and calm down. Probably I have the complete explanation already but just my mind has a hard time to accept it. I think if she would have thought that she might get AIDS and this might kill her and her future husband then she would have said no. These were actually other people accross the hall from her in another room but she did not want to create a disturbance. She asked the policeman to at least wear a condom but her refused and told her he was clean. It turned out he had Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. Regarding AIDS the doctor told me I might not know for three years if I have this or not. The doctor said sometimes it takes time to develop and that policeman probably does not know he has those diseases. I can imagine he would not want to get tested and exposed in China. So I want to forget this but even our medical tests are not back yet so the past is still with us whether we like it or not. I guess it is natural for me to see the guy punished but in the end it might be his word against hers. She said all his fellow policeman would say what a great guy he was. He would probably deny everything. She said the old couple that lived with her let this policeman in. That's why he got into her room. After that she could not get him to leave. I wanted to phone the old couple to ask about the dates and times. Maybe I am going crazy. But I didn't know who could help me to ask. My best Chinese male friend refused to be involved in this investigation. So then I thought to use a translation service from the Internet to help me. Then I read in this group that this checking shows mistrust and it really gets me nowhere. To try to punish this guy would cost me a fortune and bring a lot of agony to my wife and myself. So she said she really does not think it is worthwhile. I read that only 1 in ten rape cases in China receive a conviction. Still it makes me angry. My wife made promises to me she would never be with another man in China. She was a virtuous woman. We discussed this very thing that happened a few days before it happened. She said she feels especially guilty because she knows I was concerned about this. She was also concerned about me not taking dancing lessons or having much contact with females before we got together in order to avoid temptation. I agreed and kept away from female contact. Now I need some erase my mind pills. SO far my whole romance has been like going from heaven to going to hell. Perhaps my worry is that such a thing could happen in the future but I guess it can happen to anyone and certain situations can not be forseen. She did not expect this result either. I think why would she want this? She is newly married and risked losing her husband, getting pregnant and getting a sexual disease all for her brother's welfare. It would not have been the end of the worl for her brother but she felt she was the only person who could help him. I hate to look at his picture now. He does not realize what sacrifice his sister made on his behalf. I am sure he would not have wanted this too. Well that's my venting and my fight with my own mind. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Rodger, I think it might be a good idea if you were to find someone to talk to about this, like a counselor. I can only imagine the difficulty you are having with this - being angry that someone could get away with this kind of behavior (the policeman) yet having doubts about the situation also - it must be tying you up in knots.<P>The only other thought I have about this is with regard to your confusion about how she could tell other men "no" but not this man. The other men simply accepted her "no" - but the policeman did not. If you love your wife and believe her story, then you need to find a way to rest your own mind - perhaps a counselor would be of assistance to you.<P>Remember that you have not just a language difference, but a cultural difference as well. Your wife has been "conditioned", perhaps, to accept things in a different way than an American woman might. It is upsetting to her that you cannot put this out of your mind because she has also been culturally conditioned that if her husband feels badly about something it is somehow a failure on her part... Perhaps you can find a way to express to her that in our (your) culture, discussing such things honestly is considered to strengthen a bond between a married couple.<P>And another point to remember is that due to the cultural conditioning, your wife may be repressing her own feelings about this. When she discovers that you are still distressed about the situation, perhaps it stirs up memories and feelings that she is trying to put away because they are terrible to her. Just a thought ...<P>You have a pretty complicated situation and both of you could probably benefit from some counseling about this. Even if you each go separately - or even if you are the only one who goes. Just be sure that you go to someone who has a very good reputation, because some counselors create more harm than good!<P>We welcome you here always at Marriage Builders. You can talk to us any time - but we are just people with problems, too... a counselor could help you much more.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Sometimes I think to track down the policeman who did this but practically it seems it is not worthwhile because of the cost, emotional drain, and the small one in ten chance of conviction. I think to try to chase down the other woman or other man in the case of an 100% affair is a different case than to chase down the man or woman in the case of date rape or in my case maybe a combination of date rape and offering one's body (amittedly unwillingly) in exchange for services rendered.