I have been in Plan B fo two weeks. For second time - first time was sort of a hybrid over Christmas and my birthday in January. This time it was brought about when i discovered h was constantly in contact with OW by phone. Anyway we had contact last w/end because our house was surrounded by floodwater. In the course of conversation I told him I wanted to return home(I am currently staying at a friends house) and reiterated my "invitation" for us to rebuild, He asked whether we could talk this coming w/end. I havent heard from him since. But i have heard from a friend that (a) he has told OW it is over for them and that while he "loves" her he cannot be apart from his "best friend" and (b) no matter what, he will always "be there" for her and keep in contact. Goodness me, remi9nds me of words i have said to him. Back in la-la land I would say. Anyway, I have had enough of this "crap". Dont misunderstand me - I would still do anything to help us recover but i cannot go firward with him without complete honesty. There is no point asking him to write a no-contact ketter to OW - he would be on the phone next day telling her he wAS forced to write it. <P>Anyway I expect H to tell me on the w/end (if he follows through) that he wants us to remain firends but that he wants to live "alone", I have heard it before. I feel like letting him have it full in the face. Telling him straight up that he is a disrespectful lying b@#$*&% - that he wants to "have his cake and eat it too". That OW is the reason/cause/whatever of on-going secrecy and deception - and that ending all contact is a necessary prerequisite to rebuilding our marriage. Even now I cannot believe it is really over and divorce is the next step. But I just dont want anymore of this situation. I dont know how many times we have had the conversation about ending all contact with OW. <P>I love him and I dont want to lose him. He is my best friend and when we are together (even during all of this) we still enjoy good conversation and have happy times; just dont mention "the war". But ohmigod I have had enough and i feel angry about his constant "dont know", "I care very much for you but it is not the same" etc. etc. I could write a book of stupid lying things people say. i would call it "La-la land language primer".<P>So friends - I am venting for sure - but a;so would appreciate your advice about whether to treat this kindly and gently or just "let it rip". I dont seem to have much to lose - either way.<P>Now I think I will go and kick the cat - or the wall, or something. <P>R<BR>

Wow. As you'll see from my new post, I know where you're coming from.<P>At this point we simply just want to know the truth and get closure. Even if it's not what we hope for, screw it.. it's answer. The we can take the next step.<P>One side of me thinks you should really wake him up. Set the wheels in motion. Sometimes reality is the only medicine that cures the indecisive and uncommitted type. I really take to heart that you can't loose what you don't have. Maybe it's time to test that. <P>How does he typically react to harsh reality? Pressure? I think in some ways that will tell you what you need to know.<P>On the other side, more love may be in order and push him over the top. Yet you have to ask yourself what is different this time versus before? Do you think another round is in order? Is him breaking it off with OS a positive or new step?<P>A friend told me tonight, that you can always reverse a decision to call it quits if the spouse decides to commit, but you can never instill committment when they do not truly know or believe what's at stake. <P>In any event, good luck to you and my prayers are with you.<P>K

My H said he wanted us to remain friends when it was all over and done (we are still married) I informed him that when it is over and the paperwork is signed I will not be his friend-someday I may forgive him but that is all.....How can I be a friened to someone who has done this to me with no remorse????

OK, I have been talking to Jennifer Harley so I will take the hard line policy here.<P>You say you are in plan B. Did you send a plan B letter? If so, it should be clear to him that the only reason to contact you is to tell you that he is ending contact with OW. Otherwise you should not be meeting with him just to rehash over the same old stuff with no resolution because he isnt ready to give up OW.<P>So, I would suggest either writting your letter now if you havent and be ready to give it to him if the conversation starts to go that way and try not to LB and just walk away before you say something you will regret.<P>If you have given him the letter, and you think it is clear the only thing you want to talk about is rebuilding your marrige and ending it with OW, then I wiuld try and feel him out if that is what this conversation is about and if not ask him to write it or talk to your contact person.<P>I think it is wrong to do plan B without a letter so that your intentions are clear. He may just think you are avoiding him and he wants to keep in some contact... keep you in the triangle.<P>Good luck,<BR>Lora