No names mention but i just want to express an opinion on this..... I have been itting here the last hour or so reading posts... i came across one that was from a BS whos WS didnt know what they wanted. So the BS came here to vent and ask advice and get support. In response to the post someone ( no names mentioned) seemed to have thier own vent and critisized this BS into the ground. So being the sweet logical BS thati am (j/k)i searched for other posts from this critisizer... in all that i found not once did this person have anything nice to say nor did they post their own story to give the rest of us some insight as to why they are so bitter. Not that honest opinions arent welcome but I think that degrading this BS with words like youre gullible and a fool etc... is a bit heavy for the broken heart that the Bs has. SOme people should learn to be gentle on the sensitive. get your point across without the backlash. <BR>thats all i wanted to say

Second that one!

OnceBetrayed...I know who you were pointing the finger at basicly. And it was me. I will be more then happy to write what has happened to me. It's a long story so I will have to post here in a few with that. I am not degrading people in no means at all. It's just that I can't stand to see someone pulled through the dirt and have them walked all over like a doormat. And the children basicly being pulled through the same thing. It seems that some men want there cake and eat it too, and alot get away with it. It's not fair to us woman to have to sit and wait for them to make up OUR life decision while they go out and party and have a good ole time. Then go back and forth and play "head games" to keep you where they want you. I'm not bitter I just kinda tell it like it is. And I guess this really isn't the place to do that. I don't like to sugarcoat reality. I know life is hard without the husband. Been there done that. But I just don't understand why some woman just let men mentaly abuse them and take them for granted. It's like men think that they have the power over everything (and some woman do to) and that when they decide what they want then they will let us know...till then just sit back and watch while I do what I want to do and take care of the kids. Marriage is a very touchy subject for me. Not just because I had problems in my marriage also but that when you marry it's suppose to be the person that you know is the one that makes you happy and you love deep down inside. Not someone that is just there to be a live in maid. Marriage is a serious thing not something that you can play with. And when there are children involved that bothers me too. Because the h/w is being selfish to those children also.

I think there's a natural tendency to seize on situations that look to us like they could have been our own. We want to nudge people away from courses of action we think will prolong their pain. We think we know the outcome. Where there's physical danger, I think that's appropriate. Where there isn't; we need to temper our ideas with the knowledge that the flat, lifeless words on the page do not necessarily convey the sum totality of the experiences of the person on the other end, so they may in fact need to choose a different course than the one that we think would avoid a fate similar to our own. Nuff said.

Interesting.<P>So basically, surivorthruitall2, would it be safe to say you are "triggered" by some of the other BS's predicaments?<P>I think you admitted in there somewhere that you are aware some women are the WS and take advantage of their H and their marriage and neglect their children--so are you equally as hard on their H's, too? <P>I've never seen one of your posts. But I've seen many posts that come from that kind of angle--trying to give their "reality check" in the form of a "2 x 4" thwack on the head of a person who is in despair. I've been guilty of this on a few occasions as well (as the "thwacker"), always out of my own frustration and not so much in support of that other person. I've never seen it have any positive or lasting effects for that person. <P>"Tough love" does have it's place, I'm a firm believer in it. But here, it doesn't seem as effective as caring guidance and two-way communication, IMHO.<P>Aloha,<P>L <P> <BR>

When I was posting that reply I wasn't meaning "gullable" as a "nasty, flat, lifeless" word. I meant the word to be taken as wanting so hard to believe everything he says but then turns around and finds out that it was all untrue and that the certain person keeps falling deeper into there web of deceit. And that the certain person derserves alot better. I apoligize if the post sounded "nasty". That's now how it was meant to be taken.

I can admit that I was very, very "gullable" in my relationship when my H was having the A. I fell for everything he said. I thought that he was being truthful but everytime I turned around I was being "slapped" in the face with the truth.I finally came to realize that he is not going to use me as a backup when the 2 other woman would not support him E or P. I am a very passionate person when it comes to person's feelings and emotions. But I have read alot of post here and they have taken in some of the advice and used it. But then there are some that just keep asking the same thing over and over again and they get the same supporting person telling them the same thing until we don't know what else to say. I have helped alot of friends through there turmoil of an A. I have even had a friend that had an affair on the H. And I will say that I wasn't supportive at all in what they did. They wanted me to feel "sorry" for them. It didn't happen. Again, I am a very supportive person. Alot of friends come to me with advice. And I don't badger them I just tell them what to kind of expect and not dwindle on the "what if" for more then 6 months. After that it's time to move on and straigten out your life and find out what you yourself is all about. And if there are children involved just let them know that mommy and daddy aren't getting along but that doesn't effect the love that either one has for them. (even though we do have mother's and father's who would rather choose "a livelier life then spending it with the children).

STIA2, u said BEEN THERE DONE THAT! And just like no one could push you, convince you, or talk u into leaving, it can't be done for others either. We all have to live and learn on our own. Just because some have been done that road and most likely know the outcome doesn't mean the person who is currently on that road can SEE THE BEST DIRECTION. Betrayed Spouses can be in just as much of a fog as the cheaters are. But I am glad that you give your unique opinion...to me the tell-it-like-it-is, is refreshing, just hurts to hear sometimes.

trying...I guess me trying to help by trying to "push" then in the right direction wasn't the right thing to do. Like you said, I have been there done that and yes I try to keep them from getting hurt even more. But I guess the persons will learn on there own. I have always been the tell it like it is person. I don't mean any harm to it but I guess the truth hurts sometimes. And alot of people don't want to look at it the way it should be looked at. They want to go around obstacles to see if they can do it this way or that. I guess I'll stop posting and just keep reading everyones post like I was before and hope that they can find there way out of the "fog" along with the cheating spouse.

STIA2-<BR>I do want to say, that this site is for persons with a desire to save and renew their marriage in the face of some of the toughest circumstances. To communicate in anonimity their deepest fears and questions, thus gain learned knowledge from those who are also experiencing it.<P>The idea is the BS is supposed to create a safe secure haven for the WS to return to with no threat of retaliation so that progress will be immediate if S decides this course. To show the S that they are truly loved and to show the WS what they will miss if they blow it. <P>It is to give BS time to regain their independence and self esteem in the face of the most destructive betrayal. They put their trust in God, and work on self improvement. If the WS never comes out of the fog, then they can part, but the BS is not left an empty shell. They are strong, independent people who have done the best in the face of disaster and won. Won their self love and thus a lot of their pain is gone with it. Never all of it, but it does fade. Bottom line they are not left as victims in this despicable situation. They will be able to love again, and more completely the next time. Where the WS who never came out of the fog will have the destiny of doing his mistakes over and over again.<P>Even a WS who wants to repent may lose their BS. This program will work for them too; to try to create a safe place for their BS to return after their betrayal. To try to regain trust from that BS again if they are sincere. To show their S how much they really love their BS after all. <P>We try to find a way to make an impossible situation tolerable until it isn't any more. But it varies for each couple. If you read the books here on this site, you will know what I am talking about.<P>I think you might want to. It would help you with some of the resentment you still seem to posess from your D.<P>Beth

Burnedspouse<P>I didn't get a divorce. My husband and I worked it out together and are still going strong after 3 years. I get what this board is about. I have been reading it for a loooong time. I just have never posted anything. And I guess I know why now. I just recently signed up because I felt that maybe I could help a little here and there. I understand this is a "shelter" for the BS to come and share there feelings and get some advice. And alot of the post I have read people have moved on with there lives thanks to the support of the MB. But then there are people on here that just write and say the same thing over and over again when there are people out there that are trying to help them and it's like talking to a brick wall. Yes, love does make you blind but after a long period of time I would think that the person would open there eyes and realize what they are putting themselves through and the children through. There are alot of people in here and that have opened there eyes to life and have put there foot down. But there are others that just like to be walked on over and over again. You know how long it took me to open my eyes...3 months. Then I said that I wasn't going to be treated like this. I didn't deserve any of this and our child didn't either. So I put my foot down and told him like it was. Either you can have your two woman, we will divorce and you can have your single life back. Or we can work this out together and be a family once again. Well he decided he wanted his family more. I guess the one thing that aggitates me is if you are asking for a helping hand and they are there offering it to you, take it. Don't push it away and then ask again and again for that same helping hand because not always is that helping hand going to be there. There I go again with telling it like it is. Sorry, it's just me. But I do understand this is like a "safety shelter" for those that are hurting. And I symapthize with ALOT of these people. I understand completely where they are coming from!! And I feel for them also. They are dealing with alot of pain right now and need someone that understands to talk about it with. But again, if it's there take it (advice,help,opinions...guess that's all considered the same). Don't push it away!

I don't think u stop posting was the desired answer that others wanted here. WE WELCOME ALL VIEWS! But u have to think back to when u went through it..u said it took u 3 months for your eyes to be opened wide, it took me a shorter time to lay it down, but that is me and you are you. You should have heard the things i said when i first starting posting and the typing arguements that i would get into people because they said i should keep trying! I was like "I AM NOT GOING TO STICK MY HAND OUT FOR THIS DOG TO BITE ME AGAIN"! It came to a point when one of the poster's just said, FINE, STICK TO YOUR STUBBORN WAYS BUT DO US ALL A FAVOR AND STOP *****ING ABOUT IT! I WAS LIKE "WHOA...ALRIGHTY THEN" Then after coming here for awhile i started to see my part in why it was easy for something like this to happen and I started TO WORK ON ME, not for husband but because i REFUSE TO BECOME ONE OF THOSE BITTER WOMAN WHO DO NOTHING BUT COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW ALL MEN ARE NO GOOD, ETC! I DIDN'T WANT MY HEART TO CONTINUE TO BE SO COLD AND SHUT DOWN! And i asked myself, what will it hurt to try one more time, if he follows so be it if not then i can say i tried. AND I AM SO GLAD THAT I HAD THE PEOPLE HERE TO GIVE ME THERE DIFFERENT VIEWS. Yes, some were too NICE for me so i would put my own personal touch with the advice given. BELIEVE ME, i understand when u read how wrong someone is being treated and they continually keep doing the same things expecting a different result and come here for months and wonder WHY. I personally am too impatient for stuff to start working, but I worked it out for me and now i can offer advice and STILL VENT from time to time. Just understand it all doesn't become so clear as soon for ALL. And please continue posting when asked. If they don't like your answer they don't have to read it!

ok i think i am the one who is a fool and gullable and i am in no way negleting my children. it has just been really hard cause i have dealt with there pain and not my own till resently, so ya i guess i have fool written on my head. sorry, but one thing that was told to me that i believe, when me and h had that talk a couple of wks ago, i DO believe he meant what he said, now listen, there are a lot of emotions and when we together, it all came out and i do now how he feels and what he really wants, but once he is gone, give it a couple of days or even just down the street, he IS the type to just push it out of his mind cause of the pain. i've seen him hit the wall cause he hates hurting me and the kids, all for nothing, and i do understand that he needs time to get himself back like he told me. but he is not thinking of anyones else's feeling. a little history on him, h was abondon by his mother, not by her chose, his father was a acholic and still is and used to beat his mother. she finally left and he tool off with h and beat him all the time, i could tell you stories.but his mother and him didn't fine eachother till he was 18 and it brough all this out when he did this to us. he has alot of issues to work out, i'm not saying he is doing it the right way, lord i'm not. ever since he was little he has a fear of being alone, that's what he tells me, and i know that. but till he deals with his demans, he'll grab someone till he is back to himself, which doesn't sound good. don't know if you can understand. and it hurts me to know he is going through this and i can't help him. look ok, he chased my ---- for 2yrs before i even went out with him, and he still tells people to this day. i'm sorry, maybe i am a fool, but i do know that he loves me and wants to be with me, but until he straightens himself out, he doesn't want to hurt me. we've come along way since last year. ---- he used to tell me when we talked he wasn't putting false hope out there and we didn't need to be around eachother in front of the kids so they didn't get false hope, he would never do that this whole past year, and ya, the dating thing, he knows he is putting hope out there for me and the kids. but am i going to date, no. not till i am sure i am the only one. but, if i do have a chance to bring my family back together or sit here and wait, so be it. i love him with all my heart, but i'm not just going to be here everytime he has called. he has called 7 time tonight and i haven't called him. it's killing me, but i am not going to it. but i guess i am an idiot, stupid and all that for loving him

forgot one thing, i guess you are telling me that trying to save what i have with my h is a lost cause and i am wasting my time. he will never get himself together. i'm sorry i listen to family and friends tell me things he says and that he is not happy and doens't deserve us. i'm wrong. i won't try to fight, that is why i didn't in the beginning. you have to see, my d is not his child, her dad has never been in the picture, but she is his daughter no matter what, and after i had her, for the 3yrs after she was born i went in my shell, and i did not talk to anyway, then he came along and he wanted me and my child, do you know how much that meant. so ya, i was kind of hesitant when i first found this site, i don't talk to anyone, and i really don't talk to him right now cause i don't want to set myself up to be hurt, he always starts and then going by what he says i replied. i know me pretty good, i know if i give up like i did in the begining that wall will never be broke down. thanks to all for listening to my foolish mind.