I thought we had made great strides in rebuilding our relationship but then e-mail letter arrives from OW. This is not the first letter but it has been a while since the last. WS has not answered any of the others so far. I will admit that WS immediately showed me the letter as they said "so you won't think that I am hiding anything from you". This is a very postive step I know but the thing that has me upset is that when WS and OW ended it WS told OW that they would wiat for her. The OW asks in the letter if WS still loves her. OW also asks if WS loves me again or are they still waiting. WS will not answer the letter because as they stated " no contact will show that I am not interested". Maybe my motives are selfish but I told WS i want them to write back and tell OW that no they are not waiting and that yes they are un love with me agsin as they tell me often. WS refuses to do this and says it will only cause trouble and start the contact over. My opinion is that WS had no problem telling them all the flaws i had and that they were no longer in love with me so why cant WS tell them that they are now in love with me and no they aren't getting back with OW if WS really means what they say to me. Maybe I am being sensitive and WS may be right about not responding to letter. Please tell me if I should let it go or continue to ask that WS respond to letter and tell OW that they are not waiting for OW and that they are indeed in love wuth me. <P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC<p>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited March 15, 2001).]

Healing,<P>I understand your feelings, and how the hurt is still near the surface for you. The way the affair ended was messy and ambivalent (as it usually is...). <P>But here is a big chance to reward your H for his honesty with you. Trust him! He seems deserving of it. There is nothing in your post to indicate you have not made great strides in rebuilding your relationship with your H. He is trying to stick to the agreements you made and have NO CONTACT. I couldn't agree more that responding will just generate more correspondence. For the OW, getting no response will be interpreted as indifference - much surer indicator of "no attachment" than would ever come across if he responded, no matter how vigorously your H professed his love for you to her.<P>Try to relax, think of the progress you two have made, and let it go. Plan a special weekend with your H and focus on the two of you.<P>Take care, <BR>Starpony

As a WS, I will side with your husband on this one. If he didn't encourage this contact, I think he's doing a very honorable and brave thing by revealing it to you. I know as well as he probably knows that continued contact, even if it is to say "don't contact me" impedes healing and starts withdrawal all over again. Any response to the OW invites a further response from her. Who is to say that if he responds with "I love my wife and leave me alone" she won't take the opportunity to write back "I don't believe you" or something else that would keep the contact going? Your husband can't be free from this woman until contact of any kind is just not an option. Trust me. If the OW sends emails, don't even read them. Tell him not to read them either, if he has strength enough not to (and it takes A LOT of strength). Delete them and forget the ever existed. The OW will go away if she has any self-respect at all.

OW emailed my H about three months after DDay, and my H was responding when I came home. He told me right away, but ended up not responding when he saw my face. He just stopped and deleted. I never got to see the letter but he assures me it was just a "Hi how are ya". Anyway - I had hoped he would send her a no contact letter, but he chose simply not to reply and then blocked her email address from that account. SO - I thanked him for his honesty in telling me - although I still wonder had I walked in a half an hour later if he would have told me. I think probably yes, but there's no point musing on the what if's. Good news - no contact to this day.<BR>

Thanks for your responses. Maybe not responding is the best but this is not the first letter, but is is the first in a while. The other letters were not responded too either aand it has not gotten the point accross so far. I did tell my WS how much I appreciatedd their honesty but I just feel that If they loved me as much as they say then tell the OW you love me. In other words prove to me that you love me and are not still in love with OP.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC<p>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited March 15, 2001).]

Healing, i think your husband IS PROVING it by not responding. You are a woman, if someone you loved told you that his love is elsewhere, YOU WILL RESPOND BACK WANTING MORE DETAILS MORE CONTACT ETC! This way she is getting the hint when he doesn't contact her that it is not something that he feels important enough for him to persue! For GOD'S SAKE DO NOT FORCE HIM TO RESPOND TO ANYTHING SHE SAYS, ASKS OR DO! U MAY REGRET IT IF U DO!

Healing,<P>long time no see.<P>I think your spouse is right. No contact means none at all. Any kind of contact, negative or positive, can be taken the wrong way by the OP. Let it go. It doesn't matter what the OP thinks about the two of you. What's important is that you two are working things out now. Initiating contact,even if it is suggested by you, can be bad news. Your spouse is right continue to ignore them. She will go away.<P>cleo

Just a question. Why doesn't your H block her e-mails so that he will be unable to see them at all? This would send a major message to OW to get lost! <P><BR>Joyful

I agree, first thing I would do is block her e-mails. However, what really does that solve and how does it help rebuild? My tactic has changed to forgetting about the OW. Even talking about her gives her more power than she is worth. Wouldn't it bug the heck out of her to realize you both laughed at her pathetic e-mails together? Look at it that way...you won, she lost...not that there ever should have been a "contest"...but it's over...you won...she's reduced to sending e-mails asking stupid questions.

Blocking e-mail doesn't work the OW just changes screen name and because of work WS can't change theirs. WS and I did have a honest talk about the letter and WS admitted that part of the reason they don't respond to letter is that WS does not want to hurt OW. That really hurt me to know since hurting me didn't seem to be a concern. Maybe this shouldn't be an issue but for me it is now an issue. I feel like WS is more concerned about OW's feeling than mine. Of course I don't care if OW gets hurt. Now what do I do with this new info about not wanting to hurt OW.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Has your H wrote the OW a "No Contact" letter? If he hasn't, I would suggest that he write one (blunt, brief, to-the-point, no sugar-coating it).<P>I don't think that totally ignoring the OW is the answer. She needs to know that your H no longer cares for her and she needs to know where she stands with him. She needs to be informed that he loves you and is staying with you.<P>Explain to your H, the importance of sending this letter. He needs to protect you & your marriage...not her. If he wants closure, this is a good way to do it.<P>After he sends this letter, any unwanted, continued contact by OW can be considered harrassment.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited March 17, 2001).]

Dear Healing,<P>My H and I have been through this many times -- the idea of loyalty to the OW and/or caring about her feelings. I was very hurt when my H refused to write a "no contact" letter to the OW.<P>H lied to the OW and made many promises that he had no intention of keeping. She latched onto my H and believed that he loved her and that they had a future together. All the while, he was telling her that he had never met anyone like her, she was the only one he could talk to and relate to, yadda, yadda, yadda. <P>When I found out and he dumped the OW, she fell apart and realized what a liar he had been and a fool she had been. H explains that he never wanted to hurt her, it was just fun for him. He considers that the problems we had in our marriage were between us and they should never had led to an innocent person being hurt. While he regrets what he did to me, he feels that he IS making it up to me by trying now to re-build our marriage. Therefore, he does not see the need to hurt the OW any more than he already has.<P>I know how you feel, because, of course, my desire is to hurt her as much as possible. But, the reality is that if your H responds to her and says he loves you, she most likely will reply with "that can't be true, what about this and that and that -- all those things you told me." The last thing you want is the OW bringing up intimate details of her past with your H and revitalizing his interest.<P>The risk of damaging recovery is not worth the momentary thrill of rubbing her face in writing. Believe me, she knows your H is with you and trying to make your marriage work -- she knows that she's been had -- he loves you.<P>Maybe you should let sleeping dogs lie.<P>- heavenly

There never was a "no contact letter" sent. WS ended A with OW by saying that they loved her and would wait on her. OW has asked friends about us and they responnd with they don't know if we are together or not. This is what WS has told them to say. I may lose everything here but i do want a "no contact letter" written even if WS can't find it in them to tell OW that we are working it out and that no WS is not waiting on OW. I know this is trivial to most but if you read my first post discribing A maybe this would make sense.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

In your situation, I believe that a "No Contact" letter is absolutely necessary. I hope that your H will write one and stick to it.<P>The OW has been given false hopes and she needs to know that your H has no intention of going back to her. If closure doesn't take place, this OW make keep hanging on and you may never get rid of her!<P>There are some OW's who just "don't get it." Just because you ignore them, doesn't mean that they think that it is over. They think that they are so in love with your spouse and will hang on and continue to try to re-ignite the affair.<P>For example: My H & I have been in fairly good recovery for 2 years from his 7-week affair. Over these 2 years, the OW has tried to contact him, twice, as recently as a month ago...with the intentions of re-igniting the affair. She wrote him an e-mail letter stating how she loved him with all of her heart and other icky sexual things. Now tell me...how do you love someone with all of your heart, who you only saw a few times a week during a 7-week affair? The former OW in our situation was a physically abused wife and my H was her knight in shining armour. During the affair, my H was nice to her and she mistook that for love. He wrote her the first "No Contact" letter, 9 months after D-Day (because she wouldn't stop trying...ignoring didn't help). Then, she tried again, almost 1-1/2 years later! He wrote her another "No Contact" letter, even meaner than before. Right now, we're hoping that she FINALLY "gets the message" and stays out of our lives forever.

Dear Healing,<P>Nothing about this situation is ever "trivial". Now understanding how the A ended, it makes it perfectly understandable why you want a "no contact" letter. I completely agree with Survivor that in your case it is a must if you are to get your marriage back on track.<P>The OW was deliberately given the hope that she and your H would be together again, so she is not going to give up easily -- not with such a dramatic parting. <P>I hope your H will see reason and understand that unless he sets the tone for the OW to stop, she will continue her stalking and hoping.<P>Good luck.<BR>- heavenly<p>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited March 18, 2001).]

Got some split votes here,huh? I'm gonna vote with your hubby on this one. Our little PT was about as bold as they come and, since they sorta worked together, she had a number of opportunities. Once Robert figured out they couldn't be friends and told her, well, it did't deter her in the least. She would go a while and then look him up, leave him msgs. When he'd call back and tell her in no uncertain terms (in my presence and he was brutal), when we wrote a letter together, she reveled in the fact that she could GET him to talk to her. She only truly began to disappear when he completely ignored her...never rose to the bait, never answered anything. It seemed that as long as he was responding, she was getting what she wanted, it didn't matter what the response was.<P>If he doesn't want to deal with her, let it go. She can't keep talking to someone who won't talk back, but she CAN keep arguing with someone who responds.<P>lori

IMHO, your H has never wrote her a "No Contact" letter. She is still waiting because he gave her false hope. He needs to write a letter and let her know that he absolutely wants nothing to do with her.<P>If that doesn't work...then, you can either ignore her, or consider her continued & constant contact (if any) as harrassment.

WS will not write a "no contact letter" no matter how much I ask. WS says that hurting OW needlessly is unnecessary and that being with me ought to prove that they love me and not the OW. This proves nothing to me since it was for legal reasons that the A ended. It was not a breakup because of my finding out, it continued even after D-Day. If not for the legal aspects of everything i think that WS would have been with OW, in fact according to all I heard this was the ultimate plan. What do I do if WS will not write the letter.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Healing,<P>A lot of WS leave the OP still feeling "love" for that person. The important thing is that WS chose to be with you. Even if WS was "forced". Think about how many of us exposed our spouses As. They probaly weren't ready to end the A but when confronted with it, had to make the decision to end it whether they wanted to or not. Love is a choice. Committment is a choice. At first, WS may not want to be there, may still feel love for OP but with no contact those feelings will eventually fade. If your WS wont write the letter but is not in any contact with OP, maybe you should let that go. It really doesn't matter what the OP thinks as long as your spouse is doing the right thing. My H did not write a no cotnact letter but it was very clear that things were over and that they would not be talking anymore. I think by ignoring emails, your spouse is sending the right message. The longer they are apart, the more the feelings for OP will fade. This is a fact. WS may have some feelings for OP right now and that is normal but remember, in time, that will fade.<P>take care, <BR>cleo

For now, I suppose that all you can do is what your H chooses...which is, to ignore her. However, don't be surprised if there is any type of contact between them. The OW is still left in limbo and is sounds like your H is a "conflict avoider."<P>If the OW contacts your H again, your H may be afraid to hurt her feelings and respond.<P>Has your H read the "Surviving the Affair" book? Are you both in marital therapy? I hope that your H will soon realize that just ignoring something/someone doesn't always work. Action is what works!