First- thanks Orchid and Exhausted for your quick responses. They helped tremendously. Too all the others who have posted to these threads ... You are really great people. <P>I seem to have found, or am trying to find the "new" me. Trying to focus on myself instead of the A that I have no control of. After all, it is going to be the S's choice and he will have to be the one responsible for the consequences. There really is no reasoning (especially with a Taurus H and me too.)<P>Have been once again reading Psychco-Cybernetics. Haven't really practiced the excercizes yet but understand the concept. Just need to apply myself. However, for the past week I have been using this as a source. Plus the recommendations of this forum plus the recomendations of MB. <P>It is basically about how you react and how you perceive your situation and your programmed responses on how you react.<P>Must remember to make goals reasonably achievable, and that is only what YOU can do.<P>Quote: " Every idea that you have learned can be reevalulated and challenged. Every idea that has been reevalulated can be relearned with new data to replace the old. When you focus your imagination on the way you wish to be, your conscious mind directs your subconscious mind to accept these new images. And since your subconcious mind will agree and comply with the images your conscious mind creates, "acting as if" [or FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT(my interpretation)] it were true will in effect make it true."<P>"Realizing that our actions, feelings and behaviour are the result of our own images and beliefs, gives us...an oportunity to 'practice' new traits and attitudes, which we otherwise could not do... If we picture ourselves performing in certain manner, it is nearly the same as the actual performance. Mental practice helps to make perfect"<P> "*Anything you imagine to be true is accepted as true by you subconscious mind.<BR> *An imagined experience is perceived and acted on by you subconsious mind exctly the same as a real experience.<BR> *Your behavior follows what you believe to be true.<BR> *Your behavior changes in the direction of your beliefs."<P>The automatic responses are like learning to drive. At first you correct, overcorrect etc. then you automatically respond correctly without any conscious effort after learning. Makes sense to me ... the hard part is the learning.<P>Guess the upshot of this is to focus on what YOU want, that is the only control you have. All of us here very much want the S to return with no baggage, they are dealing with their own demons. It is THEIR problem, we must contend with OUR'S.<P>In this way I see what "giving it up to God" is all about and I am certainly working at that. If God can create the universe and all that is in it, He can ceratainly handle this issue. (Think that He has initiated this support group to handle earthly matters)<P>If only our WS's could see us as we see each other. Perhaps, we should see ourselves as as we see each other.<P>God will help us all. It's the one way or another I have trouble with.<P>Absolutely, easier said than done. <P>

Dear Whatami,<P>It was good to hear from you. I did think about you today and as I was scrolling to find your last post, I saw this. <P>You sound as if you are finding sturdier ground to plant yourself and weather the storm of this A. Good. Your words show strength and faith. They have been upbuilding to me also. <P>Please keep in contact. It sounds as if whatever comes your way, you will find the strength to endure. That is how I feel also. However, I do not share this 'secret' with H since he tends to act like, ok let's give her a little more. He takes me to my limits and I have learned not to show him where those limits are. Like not showing him all my cards? I no longer wish to be vulnerable. <P>Anyway, take care. Your wisdom shows you have turned this painful chapter in your life into a learning tool. For this, I am glad to have met you. <P>Take Care & Thanks,<BR>L.<BR>

Dear Orchid, <P>I am "trying" to turn this into a learning experience, but it is not easy. H seems to be writing the new chapters for my life when I should be the author.<P>I know what you mean about not wanting to be vulnerable. We may want to put up that sheild so it won't hurt so much, but maybe that was part of our problem. Remember, all the good input you put into this marriage is a statement to yourself. You are capable of love and commitment. You are the one who is being the better person. <P>Strange update:<BR>When H returned 2 weeks ago from making his affair a PA, he did not contact me. Said he wondered if I was still in the "just leave me alone" state. So we talked and I was back to Plan A. Friends told me he went down south to visit with other friends ... so he thinks that is what I believe. Thought it better for him to retain some guilt because he claims he is being totally honest with me. <P>He called, came over and was very much like the happy person who felt I was doing OK with things. On Friday, seems OW contacted his mom or dear friend (H wants family to accept her and they told her that this situation was unacceptable and so was she.) <P>By Saturday, last week his demeanor had changed. He was into working and acting more like a driven man than the man who was "walking on air" for the past months. He then only contacted me if it was necessary. I continued to call for various things and was very pleasant and chatty. <P>Last Monday had him home for dinner. Long conversation about myself and what I felt I needed to accomplish for myself. Told him I needed his support and encouragement to make me a better person. Said I loved him and felt that so much of this was my fault (he said it was not all my fault) and that I would be able to forgive him if he decided he wanted to come in this direction. Talked about some of my learned responses that had roots in my past.<P>He suprised me by really opening up to his feelings about his Mom and how she always tried to control his life. "It's my life!" (Doesn't the WS know that when they invite other people to be part of their life that our lives are intertwined. Especially with the S, it is our life.)<P>Then asked me about an email he had received from a recovering WS. Out of the blue, said "I am not addicted." My response, "You mean you could go without contacting her?" He replied, "Yes." I told him he once said that he couldn't stop, but he claims it was that he didn't want to stop.<P>Anyway, this week he has been different. Don't know if he has made up his mind and is clearing things up to leave, or if some of the fog has lifted and he is in an actual "thinking" mode. He still contacts me very little but is receptive when I call. We're going out for dinner Sat. Told him I was not adverse to dating. So I guess I will have to put on my best plan A, believe it, and do it for myself. Must put the focus on what I am, and reach out to him, if that is the way I feel.<P>Am I strong? Family and friends say I am. My heart is aching, still can't eat or sleep well. If only my mind could change my emotions. Sometimes wonder if it is love that I feel for H, or is it the hurt and anger at rejection and betrayal. Or is it fear. To accept the fact that I can only control who I am, and cannot control who he is will help ME. IF, IF I can do it. (need to eliminate the if's ... hopefully a work in progress.) <P>You think about yourself more and know what a wonderful person YOU are. God gives us so many challenges, yet he promises to give us no more than we can bare. What you and others have done in this forum is what he wants us to do. Love one another as He loves us. Just by sharing our heartache and reaching out to each other is perhaps our opportunity to help and love one another, and therefore to obey. <P>Much love and understanding. Thanks for being there.<P><BR>

Whatami,<P>May I ask how long has the A been going on?

Dear TRS<P>Sorry for such a delay in replying. Thanks for the question. The EA started when H went to HS reunion (1000 miles away) in July. Connected with old HS girlfriend in August. Came home after 6 weeks. Understand the OW was only in the picture the last 2 weeks he was there. He stayed with family while there. Discovered EA from emails sent to H from OW 1st of Nov. However, they had been calling and emailing excessivily since he arrived home. (You know, same old story in emails. My soulmate, You are wonderful, kind, trustworthy, wise, ad nausem. Can hardy wait for us to start OUR future, Do whatever makes YOU happy, feel no guilt just think of us. Want to hold, kiss... you know the drill.) Confronted him 2 wks later. Guess what he said? You got it. We're just good friends and I don't want to stop contact. (Foggy expresion on H)<BR> <BR>Told him in Jan. to move if he would not stop contact and work on our relationship. Said he didn't want to move. <BR>He moved. I tried some plan A, felt it was going nowhere, did some plan B. Mar. 1st he went to spa for 4 days in their hometown. Of course, no one was suppose to know he was there. Now the PA. (He believes I think he was somewhere else, not with OW)<P>First few days back, he was sooo kind to me, as he has been throughout, then he began to act more normal. Like working at the buisness, being casual and somewhat distant. <P>Don't know if it is a good thing or a bad. Any ideas?<P>Anyway, I am still trying to be supportive and not to overwhelm. So I guess the EA is 7 months, the PA incident less than 1 month.