I just wanted some feedback....Wondering why the STATS don't look good for people who have an A early in the marriage vs. those later in a marriage...By H and I have been together for 8 years...Married for 3..So, he had an A before 3 years....We have a 2 and almost 4 year-old....It really bothers me that we didn't make it 3 years...I even asked him, while he was having an A and I didn't know, if he had the seven year itch...he didn't know what that was and when I told him his stomach dropped...I think the back of my mind knew because I made other verbal statements while he was having an A...<BR>He always had the behavior with women that is dangerous and could lead to an affair. Our first year together he brought another girl out with us...Cried he said he was sorry never do it again...After my miscarriage I found a returned letter (love to me) to a girl talking about my miscarriage, saying he missed her, blah, blah, blah.. After my first child he stayed out till 3 a.m. went to a function told me he'd be back at 9.-went and saw the titanic and then went back to get drunk with friends...Broke up with me and said he wasn't in love with me anymore and then the next day wanted me and got an engagement ring-(before first child and miscarriage)- He worked all day and then taught at the university 4 nights a week- had the A...after I found out about the A I checked sent e-mails over the past year...He started a letter to a friend: Sexy, another friend I miss you- an ex-student "sweetheart"...I asked him about the sweetheart and he said not while they are students--but one month after term ends calls them sweetheart....<BR>Now he says he changed..I am having a really hard time with all of a sudden change....If I had really known- I would never have been with this person..<BR>I feel like I am completely in love with a person that doesn't and never existed....If it was just the A- okay- but his pattern is pretty obvious..<BR>He now teaches differently, swears that he'll never talk like that with another woman, will tell me if another woman is hitting on him.....Can he change?<BR>Is our affair early in the marriage a really bad sign?<BR>I have thought that maybe it is because you have many more years left in life to go through....that you don't have as many years together and life experience as the ones later in marriage.<BR>Our life experience is college, having a child while in college that was born with Downsyndrome--surgeries, struggles. and I thought that brought us closer than most couples could ever be. We have another child and he has a great careers...<BR>I never asked him to change..He says he has, that I've brought him closer to God, etc...and that he won't make promises, but he'll show me...What am I suppose to think....I was stupid how many times (look back), I am really having a hard time right now that my decision to stay with him will later hit me with you were stupid again then, too....

I'm sending this one back to the top--<BR>I babbled...I feel sometimes like not only didn't I know the person who had the A, but I didn't really know this person for our entire relationship...<BR>I read that it is more detrimental to a relationship (poorer chance of surviving) when the A is early in the marriage...no reasons were mentioned. I was wondering if there was anyone out there that knows any reasons why that is the case.

My H's A happened 27 years into our marriage. I think a long history gives people a better chance of survival or at least of trying. I think he came home in part because of that. Every memory is tied to me, the kids, movies we saw, little sayings we have..stuff like that. Once his fog lifted, he stayed home because of ME and our great love for each other. And the life, a very good one, that we had built. Yup, he almost destroyed that life and I truly believe, although he says NO, he would have been fine if I had proceeded with a divorce, while he was "in Love" with OW. But that,of course, could not and did not last. He never loved this person but I think he thought he did, might, could,whatever.<BR>So, I Do think that when a long life is shared,it is easier to come home

The other reason I have read is that an affair early in marriage is more likely (repeat, more likely, not definitely) to indicate a serious personal flaw--lack of ability to commit, deceitful nature, sexual addiction, etc. One later in a marriage is more likely to have causes related to long term wear and tear in a marriage...ie, someone who basically is a good partner, but becomes needy due to lack of ENs met or MLC or whatever, and has a temporary aberration from their "normal" self.<P>Of course, these are tendencies, based on many many marriages and may or may not apply to your marriage...<P>Kathi