I am taking a chance and posting about me. I am hoping that the people here who have known me for a long time will realize that berating me for not doing things the way they believe I should have is at best, unproductive, and at worst, cruel under the circumstances. I hope that the friends I have made here, no matter what they believe about how I have handled my marital situation, will be able to offer me a little bit of support. With that hope expressed, I will commence rambling ...<P>My husband will be moving away to Florida with slug by the end of the month - and it really is tearing my heart out. I'm having a hard time right now. I have talked to him a couple of times, and aside from asking me once about whether or not I have opened a checking account in my own name, he has made no reference or allusion to his leaving and has not mentioned lawyers or divorce at all. However, it is a little like waiting for the other shoe to drop ... <P>It's really strange. It's almost as difficult for me as when he moved out of the apartment. I am having trouble sleeping, and so my emotions are more turbulent than normal anyway. Add to that the fact that it was this time last year that I got involved briefly with a guy that took advantage of my emotional vulnerability and then basically treated me like dirt and I have some other emotional triggers going on, too. Some days I feel like a zombie, other days I feel ok, and still others I am on the verge of tears all the time... and this on anti-depressants still.<P>I am not asking for advice here, just some support. This is probably going to be the second most difficult time of my life with regard to my marriage ... If/when he divorces me will be the the most difficult time ...<P>Onward with other musings ... we have had many discussions on this forum about what motivates the OP's. And we have noted that some, maybe even many of them have been hurt by infidelity themselves - and been absolutely incredulous that they can go on to hurt someone else the way they've been hurt. I think I am beginning to understand how it can happen. <P>The pain of infidelity and being the one left behind when your spouse decides that he/she is no longer "in love" with you is horribly detrimental to your self esteem. You wonder how it could happen... you wonder what you could have done differently... you beat yourself up about what a bad spouse you were... you lose sight of the fact that it is likely that each of you was a "bad spouse" and that both of you are at fault. And you feel destroyed ... and broken ... and you wonder if you will ever be loved again... but one of the biggest things, I think, is that you feel powerless. You have lost control of your life: some other person has entered it uninvited and destroyed everything you have worked to achieve in your marriage. Somewhere along the line, I think it is possible that some of these OP's (particularly women, as I identify best with my own gender, as most of us tend to) have been so screwed up when their own spouses left them that they find it necessary to prove that they are attractive... that they have the power to take another person from a spouse. It's twisted, skewed and just plain wrong, but I can see how it happens. When you are lonely and hurt, sometimes twisted makes sense... and if you lack the moral background, as some of the OP's who have entered our lives do, it is that much easier to simply say, "I deserve it."<P>No, I am not doing this. But, I have felt the stirrings of attraction to a married man and found myself wondering if I could "get him" - immediately shook my head and told myself what a stupid idea it is... yet, being lonely, yearning for comfort and wanting to be wanted - well, let me just say that I can see how easy it could be, if I had the moral upbringing of a slug, to justify in my own mind pursuing someone who belonged to someone else. And I can also see how conversations of a personal nature can make this all the more likely to happen. Particularly in the case of a female BS. Lots of men have the "knight in shining armor" attitude - that they can be and should be the person who defends or helps someone in need. Assume that I were to talk with my very intelligent, funny, cute and MARRIED male coworker about my marital woes... and how I was feeling unwanted and lonely... And assume that the coworker was a nice guy who cared about me as a friend and really felt badly for me. And then I might tear up or cry in front of him, and he might feel like he should do something - a hug, maybe... Now, if this guy should happen to be feeling a little neglected in his own marriage ... are you all following me? So, maybe nothing but a hug happens that time. But maybe I like it ... and I'm betting he does, too... And that little boost in my ego feels REALLY good, right? So what happens in my poor neglected and lonely little head? Maybe that I want to feel that good again... hmmm... maybe even a little better. And I wonder if I can even get him to kiss me ... and I probably can...<P>See where this is going? Next thing you know, poor lonely ABANDONED me is having my long-neglected needs met in an inappropriate relationship with a married coworker! And of course, it is not an affair... He is just offering comfort... Yeah. Right.<P>Please understand - this is NOT happening. I am not immune from the thoughts and feelings, but I know enough about the hurt to stop them from going anywhere. But I recognize that I AM vulnerable to this feeling... I know enough to stay away from conversations about anything too serious or personal, to stay far away from the line that I don't want to cross... I'd love to have a hug ... and there have been a couple of occasions that I've gotten one - and I remind myself that he hugs a lot of people - he is an affectionate kind of guy.<P>sheesh. I know I am sounding crazy - but I'm not, really. I will not act on any of these thoughts that are flitting, unbidden and unwanted, around in my poor confused head. But I know that someone with less understanding of what is going on in their own head might act on it. And since I have morals, And have acknowledged that I could be just as vulnerable to an affair as the next person, I will keep my guard up against that. <P>Time for sleep, I think ... maybe I am delirious from the lack of it.<P>But I feel better now. Thanks for reading my delirium...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I><p>[This message has been edited by terri (edited March 17, 2001).]

Terri,<P>Good morning!!! You hit the nail on the HEAD!!!! EVERYTHING you wrote is EXACTLY how I feel!!!! I see how H and OW got caught up in everything.....I do not feel very attractive but I am - married men are attracted to me right now - the hugs have stopped, I would not put anyone else thru this. I believe OW's H did cheat on her because she told me that it was a slap in the face for me to accuse her of leading my H to the A. I do not feel attractive and worth anything but I know just the slightest bit of attention gets me in a whirl wind...The rejection and insult of the affair feel like a total wipe out. How can these two people control my life and feelings so much?? They are the lowest people ever...I was reading my devotion last night and it was comforting to read that sin is rewarded with sin...<P>Terri, you are a wonderful strong woman who is going thru a rough time that will make you a stronger, more beautiful woman in the future that will be able to handle life. I started reading Growing Thru a Divorce last week put it down because H started contacting me again-I will pick it back up this weekend....<P>My counselor told me that she thinks that if the big D goes thru that God will put someone wonderful in my life....I hope so.....

Yes, Terri,<P>I think you hit it right on the head. In addition I think there is the feeling that you maybe dont desearve a wonderful single man, and maybe also being unsure if you really even want another relationship. So who could be safer then an unavailable man?<P>But lets try and avoid that trap OK? Cause I can see it only leading to heartache in the long run. Maybe it would be a temperary ego boost, a great way to avoid thinking about a divorce, but the other end is not pretty and will only add to the pain and destruction of out self esteem, and then not feeling so moral any more either.<P>Hang out with women Terri! LOL They give hugs too, alot safer ones. <P>Now you have me wondering about my H OW. She is married, so I wonder what was happening in her relationship that lead to this. They are still together as far as I know.<P>Terri, maybe you can look at this move as a way for you to detach a little more from your H. That way you will be a little further ahead in your healing no matter what happens in the future.<P>Lora

HI Terri,<P> No need to apologize , you have hit the nail on the head. Being cheated on destroys one's self esteem completely.....I'm sure you, like me , were confident and felt plenty attractive before the A. <P>I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. When I was going through my H's A and the long withdrawl, my friend's husband gave me a hug and told me how nice I was and how awful he felt for me(believe me it was innocent). He is really good looking and I about melted...I had to shake myself and think, "now wait , this is my best friend's H".....Yikes, it felt like salve on an open wound...<P>Thinking about you,understand completely and I know you will find happiness in your life....hang in there girl.......LU

{{{{{{{{{{{{{terri}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I am crying for your pain. I hate this thing that we have been given.....this battle that we didn't choose.<BR>You are right....the control has been taken away from us. Such a horrible feeling knowing that someone that we never invited into our lives has so much influence.<P>Antidepressants are not a cure-all. You know that so you must promise to keep taking them. I'm not sure that there is a strong enough one for this seemingly endless rollercoaster.<P>My H is here but I still have to take one day at a time. I have learned that the next bomb could be right around the corner. Perhaps this move will shake your H up. I wish I could look into the future and see that for you.<P>You know that I have very strong feelings about some of these OP. You did make me think. Bimbo was married once. Her H beat her...so what you have mused could apply to her in a way. The poor, needy, abused, sick, bimbo born without morals, needing attention from any and every man. <BR>We are told not to dwell on the OP but when the time frame becomes this big we need to have some kind of understanding don't we.<P>I'm rambling now.... but I needed to let you know that you are always in my prayers.<BR><P>------------------<BR>wassi

Terri,<P>I agree. I am quite sure that my H's OW left her for another woman - I don't know for sure if it is the one he is now married to. I think it is quite possible that she was extremely depressed - it is interesting that her son told mine that now that they had my H, they finally got a Christmas tree before the day before Christmas." I wouldn't be surprised if in her depression she was not terribly motivated to celebrate. She went from living in an expensive house in a very wealthy suburb to living in a condo. She is nearly 50, and apparently extremely overweight (I have never seen her and I plan to keep it that way until the day I die.) My 5 year old, who tells me that I am thin (completely erroneously, since I am overweight), referred to her as "the fat lady at Daddy's house). <P>Yes,it would be easy if you did not have morals - but that is a huge IF. It is still inconceivable to me how someone who has been betrayed could live with themselves if they were responsible for the betrayal of another woman.

Thank you so much for the responses! I was surprised to see so many on the weekend... I am better today - less vulnerable. I think I wasn't feeling well and was so tired yesterday and for some reason I was soooo lonely. Today, I got up, went and taught my computer class and spent 8 hours after that working side by side with this married coworker I mentioned yesterday. I was fine with this today - but yesterday, I know that if he had made any kind of overture I might not have been "able" to say no. And it's not like I feel strongly attracted to him ... but he makes me laugh and I feel like 'someone' when I am around him - important, smart and real.<P>Anyone ever have a friend in high school who would date any guy you found attractive? Just as soon as you told her you liked this person, she would go after him and go out with him... They say that men are competitive - and it's true. But I think women are just as competitive - only some of them are just sneaky about it. <P>Here I go rambling again... I really am much better today. I think I'm going to be all right if I stay on my meds and keep myself busy. Maybe I'll even see about taking a vacation (NO - NOT TO FLORIDA!!!)... my parents are in Corpus Cristi, TX, so all I need to do is get airfare and I am there...<P>I have to do something for me ... but not something that would hurt anyone else. I wish that the slug had realized that before she decided she deserved my husband.<P>And I still find myself fantasizing about that truck with the faulty brakes ... <P>Thank you all for the hugs and supportive words. I do love this place...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri, my heart goes out to you. You have been at this for so long. Here's a hug from me!!!

Terri, I often find myself thinking the same things as you. I know it's wrong, too, but when we aren't getting our needs met, it's something we think of.<P>You aren't a bad person for thinking of these things. Take care of yourself, and do what's best for YOU!

You've hit on a lot of what I've felt; I can empathize. Just wanted to say that you are a very strong person, terri and a wise one as well.

Thanks for the virtual hugs, all. I must have hit a really bad spot emotionally, but I seem to be much better over the last few days. I think some of it is simply hormones - the ones that roll around during a woman's most fertile time of the month ... frustration at many levels and simple sadness at the thought of my husband moving away - being afraid I will never see him again and trying to face the very real possibility that I might not.<P>Y'know - we tend to encourage the beleaguered BS to think of themselves first - and at some levels, I suppose that is a good thing. But ... isn't that what our WS's did? There is a fine line here that we are forced to walk. Take care of YOU, but not at anyone else's expense... tough sometimes, and sometimes we face situations and are forced to make decisions that we wish our WS's would have had the fortitude to make. I am proud of myself. Yeah, I fell last year, after over a year of not having emotional needs met, and in some ways, the experience I had was a valuable one. It gave me the strength to STOP being the one doing the pursuing, gave me the reassurance that there was nothing WRONG with me, and gave me the information I needed about my own emotional health that enabled me to decide that a relationship with someone else was NOT a good thing for me until I had more self-confidence and something to actually offer in a relationship. Not to mention that I am not yet divorced ...<P>I find it interesting that only women have responded to my post. I wonder what the men think? I guess I am destined to wonder that... <P>Anyhow - I am rambling again, so I will stop now. Thanks all!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Dear Terri,<P>I have benefitted from many of your posts in the past. Even though I have not been in this as long as others, I too feel neglected and at times think about wanting someone to really show the kind of love and care that I want, need and would like to share. <P><BR>Remember me? The one with the dreams about George Clooney?<BR>Silly as that seems, that little dream helped me through a rough day. You and I along with the many other both men and women on this site as well as those in this situation but not fortunate enough to know about this great support group, share these same feelings you mentioned. <P>I would like to comment about the encouragement about 'taking care of ourselves' vs the way the WS's take care of themselves. I believe that our care is not selfish, even when it comes to us personally. Basically, most of us are not selfish persons that is why we keep trying so hard to work on our marriages. On the other hand, the WS's version of 'taking care of themselves', leaves everyone else (family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc.) out in the cold. Ws's while in their A's are only thinking of the 2 of them (WS & OP). <P>Why is it so hard for BS's to take time for themselves? Could be because we are generally givers and it has become a habit. Sometimes, we need to balance this habit of being too much givers and need to show our personal side (receiving). What true mother wants everyone to doat on her<BR>24/7? Most of our mothers go the extra mile for childrens, spouses, family, friends, etc.<P>Ms. Terri, you deserve the best. Our hearts sometimes take us in directions that experience hurt. Don't berate yourself, you are not alone. Your feelings need to remain in check and if you could redirect some of your efforts, you could start to appreciate yourself better.<P><BR>If your H is like mine, he knows the issues, even says he wants to come back but acts like he wants to run away. How long can I wait for him? I don't know that I will. Today he threatened me (brandished a chain saw - because I changed the locks on the garage door). I had to call the police and now stand at the crossroads of submitting a restraining order. After his anger and my fear died down, he called back saying I had no respect for his belongings which are set outside for H to pick up from my house. <P>I feel pretty low right now. Some may feel that there was a better way of handling it. I just know that keeping an open mind and reading some of the posts here is helping me stay strong. <P>The police officer said that I was the rational one at this time and I was glad he was able to see that. Now I have reason to work hard to continue to be the rational one. <P>That's the piece I want to share with you. Please pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. That way when your personal needs become a bit overwhelming, you will appreciate your efforts to keep your family together and that you did your best in making the marriage work.<P>Hope this rambling makes a little sense. It is getting late I have to read up on more restraining order paperwork.<P>Take Care and have courage,<P>L.<BR> <BR>

Terri,<BR>You've kept the window open for reconciliation for a long time. You've done a good job.<P>I'm really sorry your H is making this bad decision.<P>Maybe a big, ole gator will get the slug... <P>I don't even know what I would do in your situation, much less what you should do. Since I can be confrontative, I think I would have made the next shoe drop where it may, but that doesn't mean it would be the right thing to do.<P>Anyway, you are in my thoughts & prayers.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lor

Hi Terri,<P>You know I feel that it is time for a firm Plan B...<BR>...even the short one I have before the divorce (final 2 days ago)... helped me.<P>You have my love.<P> <P>Jim

Well, I just found out he is leaving this weekend to go and find an apartment for them and coming back the next weekend to get slug and their stuff. She talked to a friend of mine and invited her to the "going away" bash "they" are having for the two of them (we don't quite know who "they" are). Actually was disappointed that my friend said she didn't think she'd be able to make it... what a moron. I guess she still believes that everyone should think it is ok that they are together... even my friends.<P>The trouble is, in this tiny town, people who really could care less will go to wish them well because it is a party, and she will go on believing that people actually give a d@mn about her.<P>Then she had the nerve to tell my friend that the move is going to be "hard" for her because she will be leaving all her friends and family behind but that he is really excited about moving. Huh. Coulda fooled anyone else he has talked to - everyone else thinks he is very depressed and miserable. And he hates moving. And he didn't ever want to live in Orlando. I know he hasn't changed THAT much.<P>Well... I feel remarkably ok so far. And I will be ok.<P>Thank you all for caring. I don't know what I'd do without this place.<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>