I am new to this site and are desperately seeking advice for my immmoral and deceitful ways, I have been married 4 years, have 2 wonderful children and everything that I need. I feel like a horrible person, i have lied and schemed all to protect myself. Here is why i find myself here today: 3 years into my marriage and 6 months earlier giving birth to our second child, i felt unattractive and unhappy. I began chatting on the net and made up an identity for myself nothing like my true one. I met a man and began chatting with him often, after a month of frequent chats and phone conversations he suggested that we meet. After toying with the idea for awhile, i agreed. We met in a large city, 3 hours from me, and he took an 8 hour flight to meet me. We spent 4 days together, all the while he never knowing of my marriage or life back home, and my husband not suspecting a thing. My affair grew quite attached to the person i was pretending to be and mentioned several times that hed like to see me more. On the fourth day with him, i told him i didnt want to see him anymore or have any future dealings with him, he took this hard. I went back home and felt ashamed and guilty for what i had done, but never confessed to either man, my truths. Its now been 9 months since my affair and i had planned to keep my secret hidden forever. I feel awful for the things ive done, and my husband has since said that he would never leave me, the only thing he could never get over is if i had an affair. I dont want to hurt him and want to keep my marriage together, i love him and are truly sorry for what i did. The other man recently contacted me and said that he will be in my area soon and that he might be here regularly for business, and has stated that he might look me up. I was very rude to him and said that i only wanted to forget our time together. Which he didnt understand, and how could he?, when he doesnt know that i only used him for my own selfish desires. Now im worrying and are frightened that he will find my husband and tell him everything, and if he must know, i dont want him to find out that way. So, im faced with confessing about my lies and wrong doings.....Do i confess everything to my husband? Risk losing him and my marriage? Hurting my children? or Do I confess to my affair of my marriage? Bare in mind that if i confess to my affair that im married, i will be at his mercy and beg for his silence. Or i can confess to both men and take full responsibility for my actions, whatever the consequences, im terrified of losing my husband and my children. Ive created a HUGE mess, and desperately need advice. Please help me see what i need to do...

Ashamed,<P>Most people here, whether recovering from affairs or just trying to improve their marriage, are trying to apply Dr. Harley's principles. They won't solve every problem for every couple, but they work well for most of us.<P>Dr. Harley advocates complete honesty between spouses. He calls this the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3800_honesty.html" TARGET=_blank>Rule of Honesty</A>. I suggest you read the link to understand what he advocates. After that I recommend the first four articles on "How to Survive Infidelity" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>here</A>. They are generally aimed at the BS (betrayed spouse), but the information is useful for both spouses.<P>To get more detail about all the Marriage Builders principles, you can read through <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>. That will take some time, so I suggest reading the first two links, then the Basic Concepts as you have time.<P>All these materials are on links from the main Marriage Builders site. Reading them will give you a context within which to understand advice that people here will give you. I suspect that if you don't tell him it will cause more problems in the end than telling him. However, you may first wish to spend some time reading these materials and learning what to do so that you are prepared.<P>Let us know what you think, and keep posting.<P>Best wishes,<P>Steve<P>

BTW, the second of the four articles I gave the link for on "How to Survive Infidelity" has a section addressing whether an affair should be disclosed. See the "Coping with Infidelity, Part 2" article or click <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>here</A>. Don't just read that and apply the advice without reading the rest of the materials, though.<P>It's good to both read enough to get a complete picture of the Marriage Builders principles and to post here.<P>Steve <p>[This message has been edited by StillHers (edited March 18, 2001).]

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you already risked losing your husband and children when you did this thing. I think you are really sorry for it, too. If it were me, I would tell him. The OM might do it anyway and that would be worse, don't you think? Read some books and educate yourself first but get ready for some very rough times. If he loves you, he will get over it, in time. Total honesty on your part will help, without too many gory deatils, if you can avoid them. It may seem that you may lose everything before you win but do you really want to live a lie with the man you love?

May I add that you may want to write OM a no contact letter. In due time your H will probably find out-have you been considering counseling? This may help you with your decision process. Maybe call Dr. Harley. Torn Asunder may be a good book for you and your spouse to read. My prayers ar with you and your family...The issue of diclosing this affair is up to you-pray God will give you the answer and will guide you thru this....

Stillhers, Thank you for the links to the info that you provided. I have read some of it, and will read the rest of it. Wounded, your right, i brought this on myself and no i dont want to live a lie with him. I will tell him. But now, how? When is the right time? and do I tell the other man about my lies? I do love my husband and are so ashamed of my behavior and what ive done. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and i feel that we have come a long way in the past 9 months. We had problems when we first married and have slowly worked through those, and even a year ago we had problems that arent present now. I havent had any contact with my Affair, other than to tell him that i didnt want to see him, so do i contact him now? I know that he is also a victim of me and to contact him would go against what Dr. Harley advises, but i dont want to see him and dosent he a right to know? I think i know what i should do but are having a hard time dealing with the mixed feelings im having...help.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ashamed7:<BR><B>I havent had any contact with my Affair, other than to tell him that i didnt want to see him, so do i contact him now? I know that he is also a victim of me and to contact him would go against what Dr. Harley advises, but i dont want to see him and dosent he a right to know?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I agree that you have treated him badly, but your first consideration should be for your husband. If you send a no-contact letter, as Trs suggests, it would reinforce to him that you do not want to see him again, and he would know the reason.<P>Dr. Harley has some discussion of this near the end of the second "Coping With Infidelity" article I gave the link to.<BR>Usually this occurs after disclosure of the affair, as part of the benefit is to reassure the BS (betrayed spouse).<P>As for when and how to tell your husband, that's a tough one. I suggest not putting it off too long, since it seems likely that the OM will contact you, and perhaps be in your area. I think it's important to talk to your husband, not the OM. You may still be somewhat vulnerable to resuming that affair, but even if you are not, any continued contact with the OM will likely be viewed by your husband as a further betrayal.<P>BTW, all these suggestions are predicated on the idea that you do not fear violence on the part of your husband if you tell him. Based on your description, that seems unlikely. If you did fear violence it would put things in a different light.<P>Hope this helps.<P>Steve<p>[This message has been edited by StillHers (edited March 18, 2001).]

I am a BS and maybe I can help shed some light on this for you. I too told my Partner that I would never leave them and could forgive them for anything but an A. Guess what, when faced with the knowledge that they had indeed had an A, i loved them so much that I was willing to try and work it out. And there is a good possibility that your H will also fill this way. No it won't be easy on him or you but it can happen.<BR>As far as telling H goes it would be best to tell him yourself and not for him to find out on his own. Even though the truth will hurt him at least you have been honest. Don't worry about the OM at this time, if your H already knows about the A and the two of you are working on things the OM will have no power over you. Also after telling H about A you can write a "no contact letter" to the OM and admit that it is over and that you are trying to work things out with your H. Yes, this will probably hurt the OM and no he does not deserve this but at this point you have set up a no win situaion for all. <BR>Telling your H about the A when there is no one around allows you to set the mood and atmosphere for this discussion. Also be ready to answer numerous questions from your H about the A and don't be surprised if H wants more details than you think he should know.<BR>My best wishes to you and your H. I really do believe you are remorseful and hopefully so will your H.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

First, id like to start by thanking everyone who helped talk me into what i knew i needed to do, but managed to talk myself out of. Thank you for offering support even though ive done such a horrible thing. I believe i have an ulcer developing due to the stress ive caused myself. All i have been able to do is think about how to approach my H and tell him somthing that has caused me so much grief and will break his heart. Well, heres the decision ive come to, we have already made plans to go out of town this weekend, no kids, just us, so im making this the last weekend that our lives are as we know it and pray that we make it that long, so i can break the news and not OM. I will make the news simple, so that he has a chance to digest and im gonna try to the best of my ability to answer whatever questions he has and if or when he wants we will write the NC together. I dont expect him to understand, or to accept what ive done, but im going in with the intentions of turning a new stone of total honesty and only pray that he can forgive me and take the journey with me. Its amazing to me how in such a small time span ive managed to not only alter my life but those around me, and how i could damage so severely somone that my goal has been to make happy. Im not even sure where i took the turn onto the road of self-destruction, knowing that the people I loved the most would also feel the blast, but its time to begin cleanup efforts. Any constructive critism and experiences that might help are certainly appreciated. Thanks again for all your help and i pray that whatever your situation is thats brought you here, that you find light at the end of your tunnel....Good Luck and God Bless.

Praying for you...hope all goes as two people in love deserve