Now What!!<P>After a weekend of playing with friends and finding out about the additonal infidelity of my H, I decided I had to ask him point blank about it. I had to have confirmation. I had been telling a few selected frinds that the marriage was over, etc. I was hurting and shocked.<P>Now, I asked him as he dropped off the kids today to have a talk with me out back privately. We have had so few since he moved out.<P>I asked him carefully if he had had sex with any other woman besides OW at any time in our marriage. He said yes. I asked(to narrow it down) if he had had any one nighters at any time he lived here, including the 6 mos he lived here alone while I was selling the House in CA. He said no. He had no others. He did not like how he felt after the first one. He felt bad. He thinks he was really drunk. <P>I asked when; he said some time in the 80's. Before our daughter was born. We were married in '84, she was born in '89. He slept with someone in the first 5 years of our marriage! In San Fran--AIDS capital of the US! I am going to call for that appt first thing in the AM!!!!!!! I am reeally scared, he barely remembers it! But he is pretty sure he did not use anything. Too drunk anyway.<P>However he assures me that all the time I had been contemplating he probably DID,(last 6 years, excluding A time)that he assures me he did not. Why would he lie about that if he confessed to the other? But it took 4 years of unhappiness for him to look for OW(uncontiously or conciously.) But he knew that when he talked with OW and became phone mates before their first PA, that A was led to by both parties. Check "Infidelity dictionary." He still says he did not conciously know he was unhappy. <P>I knew it. I tried many things. Nothing worked.<P>I think it is because he did not want to admit that there was a problem. Also that it was so confrontational and painful for me, he did not want to go there. He didn't. He went to a stranger.<P>I asked him all kind of questions to test his faithfulness to OW. He passed every one(darn.)Then I told him that I wanted him to know that whether he went with this OW or not, I needed him to decide if he needed to be free. Does he want to be MY H, with all the trimmings. I told him to not look at the A, or his needing to protect me as my H, that I would be fine on my own. I wanted him to think about if he wanted to be MY H. I asked him if he loved me at all, as a wife..he started saying well we have the history...and i said no, LOVE. He said yea, a little. I reiterated.."just search your heart. If it needs to be free, you need to let me go. I deserve to get on with my life." He said he would think about it. At least it is a new perspective. It is not me or her, it is what is in his heart. Can he love me or not. Yes, I think it went well.<P>Now I don't know what to do. The first thing is so long ago, I feel it doesn't matter as much as what is going on now because it is a concious choice to keep OW, now. The other was a mistake. The time I was worried about, has an alibi. What now? Do I return to the game? I am more confused than ever!! <P>Help!!<P> <P> <P>

Don't really have any advice, but wanted to give you a response. I think you did an amazing thing and he certainly has a few things to ponder in his heart!!<BR>Hang in there.

Thank you!! i thought everyone had missed it!