H told me in Dec. while still EA, that he intended to spend summer with OW while staying with his family. Said he needed to spend time with her to find out whether this would be the biggest mistake of his life, or the love of his life. (I still find it hard to believe that they think the BS is going to patiently understand all this.) The fog thickens.<P>Dear friends of ours, who live within sight distance from his family want me to spend a few weeks with them this summer. All of them have adamantly expressed their objections and disapproval of this whole A and of OW to my H. Told him OW is not now nor ever will be welcome in their homes.<P>H has not mentioned these plans again to anyone in the last month. Told him that I planned on going and didn't feel it necessary that we see each other while I was there. He had no comment.<P>These are his constant friends for 40 years. Mine for the 17 years of the M. They are excited about my coming and have many plans for vacationing. They were also here for the winter and have been my great support since they became aware of the degree this EA had reached. That was in Dec.<P>Really want to go and would enjoy the break from business. At this time, I don't know how hard it would be. Knowing that H is just down the road and seeing OW on a regular basis. Seems her H pays little attention to what she does. Why should I stay here and take care of buisness while he is there playing around? and supposedly making decisions.<P> Amazing, how cruel and heartless WSs can be to the one who loves them the most. All I want is an opportunity to give US a chance to find out if we can make this marriage work.<P>You have all had so much experience. Can you give me any advice?<P><BR>

Oh My God, you are so strong. I don't think I could do what you are doing. Her H doesn't know? Too bad you can't find a way to let him know. I wouldn't believe that he doesn't care what she does. My H said the same thing about the OW during the A. Afterward, she told him NO, her H loved her. Seems these people say anything to justify their actions.<BR>I would look fabulous, have a wonderful time and show him you can have a life without him. Do you want to wait like a good little girl, with your hands folded in your lap only to have him leave anyway!! Against all the teachings of this board, I know.<BR>What worked for me, and I certainly can't speak for anyone else, is that 3 weeks into our separation over this OW, I woke up MAD. I told him I had been asked out, I was taking off my wedding ring and going. That I was tired of being a doormat. That I loved him, only him ,always, but if he couldn't see that we belong together, that was HIS loss. That he was a coward who wouldn't tell the truth to anyone, including himself and really awful things, TRUE but awful. I lost 15 pounds in the 3 weeks separation, was sleeping 2-3 hrs a night. Couldn't eat without throwing up. I was sick of being devastated. And then the crying, could not stop.I told him all that in a note, I wouldn't even speak to him when he came to the house to pick up some towels.<BR>He said he wanted to cry and I said, I've been crying for 3 weeks, you sure don't care about MY tears, I don't care about yours. <BR>He came home that very day. Told the truth.EA/PA. Short one but ...enough. It's 7 months from Dday, with rough times, some contact and all the normal stuff. He says if I hadn't given him that note he would never have had the courage to come home. That the OW is the biggest mistake of his life. Sounds like your H's biggest mistake too.<BR> No great insight, You just be the best YOU possible. I feel so badly for this situation. Take care<BR>

whatami,<P>Its hard to understand how a WS can add insult to injury by not only having an affair but than to "work" on the wrong relationship. The book Private Lies describes this insult is a normal feeling and helped me deal with all of this. H and OW are not more than 5 minutes from me now(always have been for over 4 months of their realtionship)and this has given me the opportunity to "check" on them at any given time and to also know that someday I will run into both of them. They think that their relationship is "okay". The only thing that helps is people who tell me it is not okay and the list of those people who con't think its "okay" includes his family and friends. Don't let "them" ruin your life they are burning their own bridges-make your own bridges that go further.....

Hey, thanks for the input. Daughter needs to go on line for her university classes so have to be short.<P>Wounded,<BR>You are probably right. Seems the only time I get any postive (emotional) reaction is when I assert myself. Just have to get to the point when I feel it is alright. All or nothing. Only want to leave him with the feeling that I am really the one who offers UNCONDITIONAL love. Left me with lots to consider, since I have been very passive in this relationship. Her H, according to her and my H is probably in an affair himself. Yes, I have all the means to contact both of them. Just don't know what percusions will be.<P>TRS<BR>He also thinks the relationship is "OK". Or so he said, pasttense. Really believe that he is redefining. (wishful thinking?) Family and friends help, but they think he is totally unreal. Don't really know where his head is at now. He is a stubborn man. The more he is told how wrong, the more he becomes defensive and rationalizes...He is right!<P>God love you all. Vengence is His. Lord, how I want to expose all those emails to his family. But is it right? <P>Posted rather long story somewhere on this thread. Take care. I am on the rollercoaster.

Hi,<P><BR> I know how it feels myself. My DD was last March 18 and it did nothing to deter his plans. No matter what I said, did, cried, lost weight, could not sleep etc. He was full steam ahead to May 5th when OW got to decide the fate of our 19 year marriage. She did say no, she would not leave her H for mine. She did love him though. <P> Our so called recovery began THE NEXT DAY!! Wow. It was just too much to hear, see, and go through. They stayed in secret contact until Oct. When I caught on (again). I called her up. As far as I know, last contact late Oct.<P> It is a horrible and cruel thing to go through. If I had to do it over again, I would walk out the door as soon as I found out.<P><BR> Lots and lots of prayers and hugs!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb

I'm sitting right beside you on that coaster. Hang in there and be your best. Don't do anything that will cause you not to respect yourself. Like exposing...VERY tempting,huh?

I normally recommend stick with Plan A for as long as you can...<BR>...but you may want to check with Steve/Jenn Harley about moving toward a Plan B!<P>My W told me the same thing about needing time with her OM...<P>BTW: hold off showing the e-mails... you can do this closer to the divorce if you need to.<P> <P>Jim

Thanks so much for the input everyone. A lot to think about. Feeling a little mellow right now. ( Thanks to your understanding and maybe a manhatten)<P>Told H about a week ago that I loved him, but it is his problem to solve. I had turned it over to God. However, my H is not into this "religious" tact. He had dedicated himself to the Lord when he was pre teen, but then bought into the whole hippy movement of the 60's. Seems he has never returned. (Needless to say the whatever feels good is good attitude, not to mention "free love")<P>What I am trying to understand now is the attitude. He doesn't seem to be in that dreamlike state of a few weeks ago. He seems tense. He doesn't smile at me, or anyone as far as I can see. Do you think, that maybe... he is in withdrawal...angry with me...made a decision...OW has been to pushy (which she tries not to be, but is her nature)???<P>Guess I'll go with the pleasantness for awhile. Withhold the emails. Since she teaches elementary school and I have their address, I sometimes want to ruin her life as she as intruded herself on mine. Like send a few emails of her's to them. Vengence! Guess it would be to no gain, but how tempting it is.<P>Going to my daughters wedding first of May. Together. It's a 2 day trip there and back. Plan on spending nights with each other. So what? We could sleep in the same bed and have no contact before, what's new. <P>BTW, I insisted he leave if he would not cut off contact with the OW. He did not want to leave. Said "why, we still get along." That was Jan 20th,2001. <P>I am trying to be my best person, and it seems to be helping me more than the bitterness and resenment ever has. It actually, I think, is having an impact on H. <P>Hang in there you all (my FL. dielect). <BR> <BR>Especially to wounded (do I have the right number?). Bitterness and resentment are not the works of God. You have an opportunity which so many of us so desparatly want. So once again...you may have to leave yourself wideopen. Just maybe, you are looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth.<BR> Thanks for the hugs and prayers.<P>Still - what is up with the attitude of H? <P>