Yup, wife just called asking if our son could stay with her in her new apartment tonight (see my earlier post today, Wacky Weekend). The au pair had warned me that she would call in an earlier conversation. My wife had set the stage by already asking our son, and she said that he said "sure." I bet she baited him with the promise of some favorite restaurant. The twist was that she wanted the au pair to pick him up from school and bring him to her new apartment because she was waiting on the cable man. I was hesitant, because the au pair had never even been to her old apartment and my son isn't the greatest at giving directions. I told her that I'd call the au pair and ask her if she thought she could find it. I already knew the answer, but I was buying time to give myself time to come up with a non-LB solution, although my wife was already raising her voice accusing me of just being contrary. "Why can't she find it? All you do is bla, bla, bla." Our conversation ended not exactly on friendly terms after I asked if I could have a little more notice about these last minute changes. <P>Me: "How do you know I wasn't already planning something with <son> tonight?," I asked.<BR>Her: "Well you didn't say that when I asked if I could have him!"<BR>Me: "OK, I'll see if <au pair> thinks she can find you." <P>What to do? I called the au pair and of course she was reluctant to go on an easter egg hunt. I had decided that it was more important not to LB than to resist on general principles and I gave her some directions to get her close, hoping my son would remember the details. She has a cell phone to call if they get lost.<P>My strategy was to use this to my advantage to gain some later concessions. I called my wife back and in my nicest voice told her that <au pair> would bring our son and just call if they got lost. She took the bait, so I engaged her in some conversation about some of his school work and slipped in an invitation to do something together soon. She said, sure, maybe this weekend. I got her to agree that we need to do more things as a family. Now I have to figure out how to keep the au pair from feeling jerked around.<P>Dave<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited March 19, 2001).]

Dave<P>You have mentioned a seperation agreement, do ya'll have a custody agreement, because it looks as if your wife doesn't stick to it very often? She is always changing the days or asking for more or less it seems. <P>Do you get the feeling that she is playing your son (don't know if that is the words I am looking for here). You think she asked him 1st if he could spend the night, he has given you the spill "Dad needs to get over it, find someone else, be happy, move on with his life" words that just wouldn't come from a 12 yr old without being programmed. She misses his programm, doesn't call when she says she will to him, yet he seems happy with all of this, it doesn't make sense. Most kids make their parents feel guilty just by looking at them over normal everyday things when theri lives are normal. <P>HOpe the au pair gives her a hard time. Hope they get slightly lost but not enough to scare them but maybe your wife. Hope she had to wait on the cabel guy all day. <P>Your doing the right thing. I don't see how you keep from LBing all over the place. <P><BR>

sing - we do have a 50/50 custody agreement, and to be honest, it's been closer to 70/30 in my favor because of her work schedule and the fact that the au pair is with me in our house. We're supposed to have a mutually agreeable schedule, and to be honest again, I've let her get away with last minute changes because the actual time was unequal.<P>Yes, I believe she is manipulating him. I bet this is pretty common among WSs and maybe some BSs. I'm hoping that in the long term, he figures out that I'm the one who is providing his stability and setting the right examples.<P>Dave

Your majesty, you once again, did such a good job. I would have been so angry at the last minute changes. Keep it up---she's got to see what a wonderful guy she's missing out on!<P>Sorry about the "dear" incident this weekend. Hit one myself a few years back---not fun!

Dave,<P>Sorry to arrive here late. You couldn't do a better job. To even get some sort of comment out of her that you didn't get mad is a point in your favor, I would say.<P>It is a crazy world, but you are continuing to handle things as best as you can. Sorry about the deer on your new car. Of course it would happen with the new one.

dave,<P>what happened? are there more chapters of the strange & wacky ways of the WW? just wondering how it went down?

sing - update - everything went according to plan. The au pair and my son found wife's new place and the au pair wasn't feeling jerked around, so mission accomplished, I think. My wife and I have had more frequent phone conversations recently and they've all been constructive for the most part. I'm trying real hard to implement Steve's recommendation to make me a safe and non-threatening resource for her. <P>Another thing I haven't mentioned is that I'm starting to see a grief counselor at the recommendation of my shrink. My first session was last week and I have another tomorrow (Wednesday). The strategy here is to identify and treat any remaining grief problems I have from the loss of my son (I think I'm OK), then try to bring in my son and wife as a family unit. Both my wife and son have had individual counseling, very little in my wife's case, which I think prevented us from connecting as a family and grieving together. All the docs agree that my wife's affair has its roots in escaping from the loss. I have to resolve her unresolved grief before anything else can heal. PTC.<P>Dave

Dave,<P>I'm way late in responding here, sorry. Could you ask your wife (when the two of your are having one of your good talks) if she would mention any schedule changes to you first before talking it over with your son. Maybe if she realizes that it puts him in the middle (a place he shouldn't be) she might be a little more willing.

cleo - yes, you are correct and I plan on doing this when the right moment arises. Talking to her is like walking on eggshells because she is so defensive. In some respects, she is afraid of me because she knows I'm thorough and calculating and I'm a threat to seek full custody of our son in case of divorce. I was doing such a good detective job on her in the early stages that at one point she called me "scrupulous". So, I've been trying hard to undo some things I did too well in the past.<P>Dave