It's been 10 weeks now. My husband decided not to quit his job where he sees OW everyday. He's lying to me about not talking to her about anything personal, of course. We've got our 2nd counseling session together tonight and a decision may be made by his superiors to force them (OW and WS) to find new jobs. But, it will still be at least 2 months before they aren't working together every day. He's not living at home. I strongly encouraged him to leave after I got the evidence of what they were doing. But, he's just down the road and still doing a pretty good job of controlling most of my life and our child's. His "friend" chose to stay with her hubby, I suspect mainly because of the threat of losing her job (she wanted to keep the benefits of his paycheck). So, going to her openly is not an option right now. Also, if he moves back in, the evidence I have will no longer be of use to me in court. There are many complications. I'm still very afraid of being manipulated for his gain if/when we divorce. So, it's not just a matter of trust (will he continue to screw around) but also trusting him not to just be planning to do me greater harm in the future. Any suggestions?!?

Wow?<P> That is confusing? In our great state of Iowa, all D are noncontested. So what's up with your state. How can he use you in a D battle?? If you have a child, its a custody issue here? And the women usually get custody. My SIL and D are getting a D. She doesn't want custody, but according to my SIL's attorney she could if she wanted.<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Here, if I file for D on grounds of adultery, I stand a better chance of getting a better settlement, yes that does include custody. He wants joint. I hate the idea of our child living out of a suitcase, and...how does that effect my being able to make changes about where I live? <BR>Also, I've read "Surviving..." and really it doesn't seem Plan A and Plan B don't seem possible in my situation. Since he's already not living with me but he's constantly around, it seems like I've got the worst of both possible plans. Shouldn't I continue going to counseling with him? And if I am, then I can't do Plan B, can I? And if I'm not in any position to trust him about much of anything, and I don't want him controlling my life, can I be sweetness and light in our interactions? He wants to keep up with me at all times, and got mad over the weekend because I made plans with a girlfriend and he didn't approve (can u guess that <BR>we've difinately had problems with control issues in the past?) Please someone talk to me about "joint custody"...is it something I could learn to live with? and talk to me about similar problems with following Harley's plans.<BR>Thanks.

GAJ - You can certainly do Plan A - being separated makes it harder, but being separated does not automatically place you in Plan B. Remember, Plan A is about improving yourself and demonstrating those improvements to your spouse. You're ahead of the game if he's going to counseling and yes you should continue and yes, this isn't Plan B. You're not there yet. Go to plan B when your love bank is close to depletion, but if you have a cooperative arrangement with child care/schooling, it's near impossible to do correctly - in my opinion - others may disagree. You have to be sweetness and light in your interactions, but I understand the control issues complicate that. Maybe bring this up with your counselor, or schedule a private session with Steve Harley.<P>Regarding custody, I also have joint custody and it's no day at the beach. If we go to divorce, I'll attempt to gain primary custody. I think these determinations are quite state specific. Have you asked a lawyer?<P>WAT