(edited March 20, 2001).]<BR>My original post has been deleted since it seemed to cause such anger in some. I will not apologize for my posting but will remember for future reference exactly what we can and can't say. See SKM's posting under "Can I be frustrated, here" to better understand my deleting of this post.<P>[This message has been edited by What2DoNow (edited March 20, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by What2DoNow (edited March 20, 2001).]

Wow, are you sure this isn't just "payback"? Maybe that's one thing to figure out. How will it make you feel...to be physically intimate with someone else? Could you really do it?<BR> I think I would run to my H and tell him how I felt BEFORE I did something that I would regret. Be vulnerable one more time and let him decide how HE wants to handle it. If this still is an issue,if he still can't or won't take care of it, then, well, there's your answer. I take it this OM will wait. <P>Very scary situation. I confess revenge does sound really good. But it would cost ME myself...and why should I degrade myself to be something I'm really not. So dangerous...I wish you wisdom

Revenge is not an issue since the A ended and recovery began over a year ago. As far as the OM goes I don't know if he will wait or not, that is not an important thing for me to worry about. Since at this is purely sexual I am sure if not this man then another will come along. I really need to know if others have been at this crossroad and how they handled it.<P>------------------<BR>

If you are contemplating having an affair - "just for sexual fulfillment" - then why be married at all?<P>This is the one question that the OM asked me - and shook me back into reality. Can you really separate sexual fulfillment from emotional attachment? I don't think it's possible for a woman - at least it wasn't easy for me as a WS. Having the affair, well, it compromised everything that I believed in, everything I knew to be right. How can you reconcile compromising your principles of right and wrong with the immediate satisfaction of a sexual relationship with another man? If you plan on remaining married to your H - I would seriously considered the effects not only on your marriage - but on YOUR character, your integrity.<P>Before the A, I may not have been the smartest, prettiest woman in the world, but I always had my integrity, my honesty. Engaging in an affair - not only did I break a sacred vow to the person I promised to love forever - I lost any self-respect that I may have had for myself. The worst part to recover from - was the recovery of my self-worth. Yes, sex is exciting, thrilling, a necessary part of a marriage - but just think about the long-term affects not only on your marriage - that's pretty obvious - but the long-term affects on you and YOUR character. Could you live with yourself afterwards? I almost didn't.

I agree with SKM... and believe me, you won't feel "BETTER" afterwards... <P>I went against everything I believed in when I had my affair in 1999. My life has been ruined, picked up, ruined, picked up... and I have been to hell and back over and over again in the last three years.<P>...and I am divorced... <P>...and I am in a new relationship in which I am struggling because I cannot get beyond the pain... and the pain I'm causing others...<P>I don't take this lightly... all I can say to you is <B>DON'T DO THIS</B>.<P>Don't wait to be taught by experience... learn from example... and a bad one at that... it won't work and you'll hate yourself.<P>Seriously.<P> <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

I totally agree with everything that has already been said here but just wanted to add to it. You already know the pain of being the BS do you really want to inflict that pain on someone you love and have fought so hard for. I am sure that one of the first questions you asked your H after his A was how could he have done this to someone he supposably loved, mine was. And you also should remember that there was no answer that justified his actions. You have been hurt by a WS, now remember those feelings and emotions and ask yourself do I really want my H to go through all that I went through. Talk to H even if you have talked to him a thousand times before, maybe one thousand and one will be the one that sinks in.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Remember, there is pain here... and everyone has their opinion... but most of all, try not to take it personally.<P>I was one of the people who was mentioned on SKM's thread as having written about my new relationship (on the D/D board). I was scared to death. For the most part, I was supported. But I got some royal flaming too, and one in particular really hurt me. <P>We're all just doing our best to live our lives. <P>That includes you too <P>Don't let this stop you from posting your thought and questions.<P>We can help you.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

new_beginning,<BR> Thank you for your last post but I have decided that deleting my post is the best option. I was not hurt by SKM's posting but angry that they can now feel so judgmental, my how a year can change some people. <P>------------------<BR>

Hi What2do,<P> What I wrote above is so very true. Don't do something you'll regret. <P>And you sure don't have to write me... no pressure there... plus, I may not be the best person to advise you... but, I don't want you to feel alone in this. Find SOMEone who you trust to talk to about it though, okay?<P>Sheryl<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited March 20, 2001).]

You shouldn't have deleted your post---you actually may have gotten a response worth all posts that have hurt you. I hope you find what you really need.<BR>And to be completely honest- my 2 cents here...<BR>A sexual act that is a high emotional need--Have you figured out what it is that you get from the act--isn't the feeling of attractiveness, feeling of being loved, feeling of being wanted, needed, etc. Reflect on that and then with your H. Is it sex with anyone, or sex with your H?

what2donow<P>what2donow<P>Well I wanted to write to you because I also posted in SKM post, and after re-reading it was harsh- I apologize. I understand how you struggle with conflicting feelings. Often times when I hear someone complaining about how their spouse does not do this or that and they have found someone who does it makes me angry. Why because it is superficial and easy. I understand how your H's A caused you to feel unloved and uncared for. However, you have made an error by seeking this fulfillment in someone else. There are so many other avenues to take. Have you really talked to your H about this- I mean been really upfront. Have you thought about what it is that you are missing in yourself that would drive you to such a point. I mean we all have needs but its seems that your #1 need might have roots somewhere else, like low self-esteem or self worth. Please do not get me wrong I am not trying to judge you this is just something I have found out for myself. When I am being critical or feeling particularly hurt by someone else it is usually because I am lacking something in myself. Do we expect someone else to make us feel a certain way because we are unwilling to take on that responsibility for ourselves. I know I feel pain and anger toward my H because I have a great need to feel loved, protected and honored. His A really hurt me here. I can sit and blame him for all my pain but part of me knows it is because I am lacking in my own self-esteem. I realize now I can not ask one human being to be everything to me. If my needs are not being met, I have a choice. I can leave my H if I feel it is that bad, or I can rely on friends or family and I can look to the one source who is constant love- GOD. Could I find some other guy to pump me up sure- but that is the easy way out and in the end I lose. I have said all this not to condemn or judge but to point out that all the other options. A's hurt and they do a number on our own self, be strong and you will find peace.<P>Joyful

What2donow,<P>I have to say thank you for bringing this subject up. Its been weighing on my mind for the last few days. Believe me I am not out looking for an affair and I am not looking for revenge....I just want someone-ANYONE to appreciate me as a woman-My story-H walked out and left in November for OW-I have plan A'd and have been in counseling since he left-H has made NO attempt to come back and has filed the D paperwork against me-I'm 29 -do I sit here and wait for the final hammer to fall-why can't I go on with my life? I do not exist AT ALL to H. But I do exist to other men....I will of course wait it out and wait for the D to be finalized so I will have a clear conscience along with the whoever I may be seeing. Your subject has helped me to see a different side of all of this...I don't feel so alone in my thoughts-if your h is back and trying to work on the marriage I wouldn't have an affair...but I am not in your shoes...Its a free country and even when we do not like what is going on we have to accept the truth and one time or another....<P>

I recently wrote a post about how I can see what might bring a person to have an affair, even after being hurt so badly with one. And I think I have the background and experience after the amount of time I have been dealing with my husband's ongoing affair to offer advice.<P>DO NOT DO IT. If you are truly in recovery, then you and your husband should be exploring ways in which to make your marriage a wonderful experience for both of you. If either of you is not contributing to that, then I would have to say that you are coasting, not recovering. I did not get to read your post before you deleted it, but based on some of the responses you have gotten here, I gather you have been known here as another forum member. I am not in agreement with people using multiple names on the forum - our user names are our anonymity here, but using an alias somehow makes you seem dishonest and that is troubling for people who have come to support total honesty.<P>Bottom line is: If your husband is not meeting your needs and you feel drawn to someone else for ANY of them, then you need to get yourself into counseling and perhaps out of your marriage. Then, sleep with whomever you please. But don't do it while you are married. Have the courage to either deal with the issues in your marriage, or the courage to get a divorce.<P>I'm sorry if THAT seems a little harsh, but it is what I believe and how I feel.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>