We have been married nearly 19 years, and have 3 wonderful children.<P>I recently ended a 5-month affair, tried to pretend it never happened, but ended up with an ugly "Fatal Attraction" scenario. I did not admit anything until boxed into a corner.<P>I ended the affair when some very out-of-character actions made me soul search and ask myself what I was doing and what I wanted. The answer was simple, I wanted my wife, and I wanted to make her happy in ways I never had before. I ended the affair, and then hell was visited upon us in the form of a jilted lover.<P>I am now in a terrible position, as my wife naturally has no trust for me. She admits that she would like nothing better than to be with me and have me be the one who makes her happy. There is of course the huge issue of trust. It is my desire to live with her and work things out, but she talks about needing time/space to "gain perspective". I don't know what that means, and I feel that we can't work out anything if we're apart.<P>I want to return to a normal (actually much better than normal) life, for our sake and the sake of our children. Please help me think of ways to rebuild the trust, and convince her that we need to be together to do so. I am as certain of my love for her as I am of my need to breathe. <P>Thank you.

jcook - you've taken the right step ending the affair and coming here. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it and then give it to your wife to read. Sit her down in front of your computer and bring her to this site to read that her feelings are normal and that you can recover. When she's ready, get into counseling. Validate her feelings. Come back often with any questions. Just get started.<P>WAT

Glad you are here! That's a great first step. I love to see a repentant WS on the board. Reading posts from betrayed spouses can give you a good insight into how your W is feeling. It is very tough and it takes a long time to heal. Trust is very difficult. First and foremost, be understanding. Your W will have ggod days and bad days. She will have triggers which remind her of the affair. One thing that was very important to me was that my H was accountalbe for all of his time, I could reach him at anytime and he had nothing to hide. That will help with trust a lot. You have a long road ahead of you, but it's worth it.

^

My husband had an 8 month affair. He ended it about 8 1/2 months ago and told me about it. Things that helped me:<P>1) Reading the surviving an affair books <BR>2) Reading and posting on this web site<BR>3) My husband answering all my questions very thoroughly and honestly (no matter how vulgar or detailed)<BR>4) My husband being accountable for his time (all the time) even without me asking<BR>5) Lots of talking. Holding me while I cried. Apologizing over, and over, and over.<BR>6) My husband told me over and over again that he loved me and wanted US to work out.<BR>7) Complete and total honesty.<P>Good luck!<BR>Tammy<P>------------------<BR>I used to be "Hopeful in Michigan" but the board will not allow me to use that password anymore.<P>A LITTLE kindness can make a big difference!<P>We can survive this!

You are on the right track with ending the affair and committing to the marriage. I urge you to get into counseling asap, even if your wife isn't ready yet. This is a great trust-building step for you to take. Be sure to look for a qualified marriage and family therapist and don't be afraid to go to more than one to find the right "fit" for you and your wife.<P>I highly recommend the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder for you and your wife to read. It is clear and concise and has what I believe to be the best information available for the couple who wants to restore their marriage.<P>You got some great advice from momoftwogreatgirls....<BR>1. Be an open book to your wife. <P>2. No secret email accounts, cell phone accounts, friends...nothing. <P>3. Let her know your every move during your day. If your regular schedule varies in any way...even by 5 minutes...let her know. <P>4. If you should be contacted by the ow or see her accidentally, tell your wife every detail immediately.<P>5. Answer her questions honestly. Be willing to give her the gory details, but ask her to be sure she wants to hear them first. They can make things worse.<P>6. Understand that her emotions are in turmoil and she will swing from anger to passion in minutes. Hang on for the ride and let her know you aren't letting go.<P>7. Face her anger with compassion and a willingness to take whatever she dishes out. This builds trust and shows commitment.<P>8. Understand that you will get over this much more quickly than your wife will. You were living it for several months, it is new to her and she must be allowed to process through it. There will be ups and downs and it will take time, but you can heal with her.<P>Finally, and most important of all, if you have a relationship with Christ turn to Him completely and ask Him to guide you and give you strength. If not, I urge you to consider seeking Him out. I know that He is the reason I have the marriage I have today. He wants to forgive you and help you through this.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I've read lots of posts on this site, and found pretty much everything to be accurate. Saving our marriage, after what I have done, is without a doubt the most important thing ever in my life. I love my wife, and I feel it now more than ever. Why did it take such a terrible act for me to face what I had inside for her?

jcook:<P>Welcome. Have you been tested for STD's?<P>I suggest you give your wife the time and space she needs. That's not just words. She's had a tremendous blow to her confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, and her whole world view. Losing trust in your spouse REALLY knocks the wind out of you. She may need a breather and if you love her, you'll give her what she says she needs. Even if it means moving out for awhile so that she has time to think.<P>Please don't insist on "working on the marriage" right away. There are so many betrayed spouses here who are desperate to rebuild after an affair, that I believe it is more typical than the "get out of here, I never want to see you again" reaction. We deal with such shame, we look at ourselves in the mirror and doubt our intelligence, sexiness, our choice of a father/mother for our children. We wonder how we could have been so blind! <P>Repeat: You say you love her and want her. Do whatever she asks. And contact the counselors here. I wish I had done so and wish I had found this site MUCH earlier.<P>If your wife will come to this site and read our posts, she will see this: Wife, you are luckier than I am. Your husband realizes what he did was wrong, and he loves you. How I wish the line had been more clearcut with my husband's affair. Boy do I know how it hurts.<P><BR><B>Thanks to everyone for your replies. I've read lots of posts on this site, and found pretty much everything to be accurate. Saving our marriage, after what I have done, is without a doubt the most important thing ever in my life. I love my wife, and I feel it now more than ever. Why did it take such a terrible act for me to face what I had inside for her? </B>[/QUOTE]<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Yes, I went to be tested last week after she brought it up. I was afraid the clinic workers would behave "strangely" to a walk-in for STD testing, and NO WAY did I want her to experience that. As I expected, there was a lot of whispering and "psst, sir please come in here for a few questions". <P>I just moved back in a couple of days ago, and am trying my best to show how I really feel. I just can't believe what I have done.