Is it really good for your children to keep trying to work things out?<P>Do you think after a period of time that you do more harm to them by keep trying?<P>If both parents stay involed, would it be better to be apart than living in limboland?<P>Even though my H & I are not closer, we don't live in open warfare, it is just cold, indifference, & my sons don't see any sign of OW in our lives, do you think they know that is the reason mom & dad are still so far apart?<P>I think I have harmed my OS by trying to keep my family togther.<P>I don't think OS respects either of his parents, dad for A, me for being a pushover.<P>I just wanted the best for my sons. I think I have done everything wrong. <P>

Sing,<P>I don't know if it is more harmful in the long run, I think alot has to do with the outcome and how much they get caught up in the WS's vascilation and withdrawl.<P>I sincerely doubt that your son doesn't respect you for what you're doing. My daughter(22yrs.) sent me a birthday card that was beautiful. It basically said how much she loved me and how very proud she was of me even though she didn't say it as often as she should. Then in her own words at the end she wrote,"You are the strongest,most courageous woman I know."<P>Don't for second think your children don't appreciate the effort you are putting forth to save your marriage. They DO. Your son is hurting and probably doesn't know how to vent it. <P>Just let him know you love him and are there for him.

How old are the kids?<BR>The kids will definitely be affected by the coldness of your home. Kids almost always blame the mother when a family breaks up or has serious problems.<BR>Is your husband aware of your concerns?<BR>The kids are aware of the tension and internally they may suspect it is all their fault....<BR>God Bless you and yours.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>my sons don't see any sign of OW in our lives, do you think they know that is the reason mom & dad are still so far apart<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>If they don’t know, they SHOULD know!<P>What have you told them?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

sing-please keep in mind that I know the situations I'm going to describe to you are not similar to yours. I am in no way telling you what to do, or saying how this will affect your children. I'm just sharing some examples of grown up children's experiences with their parents marriages.<P>My sister was/is (it's gotten somewhat better) in an abusive marriage (mostly verbal). . she stayed b/c she thought it was best for her children for their parents to be together. The times she contimplated leaving, the older child didn't want it to happen (this child saw most of the fighting), the younger child did. Now as adults, the older child still blames himself for the unhealthy marriage of his parents (he's now 27), still feels it was his fault. The younger child I think has lost respect for her father for the way he treated her mother. My sister, looking back is not sure she did the right thing for her children by staying.<P>I grew up in a house where as far as I know, my parents never, ever had one fight (I'm sure they did, but we never saw it). I grew up thinking that once you got married, it was a fairy tale life. . that all you had to do was get married and everything would fall into place. While I had a wonderful childhood, I was not very prepared to be a grown up.<P>Also, one other short observation, my D recently told me that she is not sorry that her father & I are divorced. . she said (she's 9), I'm glad you & Daddy are divorced, cuz all you did was fight.<P>Again, please don't think any of the above is an attempt from me to tell you what to do in your situation-it's different. Just a few different examples of what children think in different circumstances regarding their parents marriages.<P>

sing - I wish I knew the answers. But I bet it can be different for different families. Continue doing what you think is right in your heart. This way you will be showing love to your children. It will not go unnoticed.<P>Dave

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Sing, <BR>There are a couple books out there that have researched the effect on kids with divorce vs parents who have stayed together with a "bad" marriage. One is THE DIVORCE CULTURE and the other, I think is titled THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE--the author appeared on Dr. Laura's TV show this past month. Sorry I don't have the authors for either of these. Those stats show that overall kids with a divorced home have more trouble in their adult lives than the kids living with a bad marriage.<P>We all know constant fighting isn't a good thing. But I've talked to my daughters 15 & almost 13 that just because something is difficult or painful (like saving a marriage) doesn't mean that it isn't the right thing or that it is not worthwhile. I've also told them that my vows were "for better or worse, in sickness & in health" pointing out that my mom didn't leave my dad when he had a stroke and their lives completely changed.<P>We aren't promised easy lives...and most of us have more than a few rough patches. You aren't teaching being a pushover, you are teaching loyalty, choice & decision making, working toward a goal, even when it is tough, you are teaching how to get through tough times.<P>If you don't think your kids get that, talk to them.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8