There was a letter from a woman whose H of 45 years(!) is having an affair with her best friend. And blaming his wife because he says that she should have stopped him before things got out of hand. <P>Forty-five years ago many people here weren't even born. I will never understand how someone you have loved and trusted for decades, much less almost half a century, can turn on you. <P>About 10 years ago a man in our town, by all accounts a loving and involved father, murdered his children and his wife in just about the bloodiest, most horrific way possible. My daughter, who was only 9, asked me how you can know when you get married that your H won't kill you. I never realized how prophetic that question was.

Whoaaa Nellie <P>After all the reading and posting here, are you really sure you don't know the answer to your question: "How can someone you have loved and trusted for years turn on you?"<P>Seems to me...that it is obvious by now. <P>Over the years, I have seen some rather impressive and majestic looking trees that had been around for a very long time...and after one strong breezy day...I have watched them topple. Why? Because over the years...the root system, for one reason or another, just deteriated. (sp?)<P>I would like to think, that there are many marriages out there that will not succumb to the heartache that Abby included in her column. But just because you have lived a long time...and been married a long time...doesn't mean you stop having a human heart that beats and has needs.<P>I applaud the many couples who have maintained a long, healthy and virtous relationship. They have things they can teach us.

You know what amazes me... how much infidelity jumps out as us all the time. Everywhere. <P>I never noticed it before, honest to god. I'd watch a soap opera in the 80's, before infidelity touched my life, and I'd chuckle at the ridiculous problems, or at least kinda gloss over them, ignore them... now, I'm not working so I've been watching this one, and there are three couples involved in infidelity, and one couple in particular tick me off/make me cry/make me wanna barf... and I have to ask myself why.<P>On the Simpsons, I began to cry one night because Homer was thinking about having an affair... and it's a cartoon!<BR> <BR>Never mind going near something like "Once and Again"... egad!<P>It's everywhere. <P>From the POV of the infidel...The problem is, and always has been (in my opinion) that you don't realize what you've done until you're on the other side of it. You are a hurricane, spinning around, wreaking havoc, ripping lives apart, not noticing the pain, the anguish... and then it stops one day -- the spinning, I mean. And you look behind you... and there it is: Hell. You made hell. And you can try to fix it, but it takes so much time... it's a state of emergency... <P>And from the POV of the betrayed person... even if you want the infidel back with all of your heart... you stand in the rubble that someone else (who you loved with your entire heart) caused, and you wonder: what did I do to deserve this?<P>If I've learned nothing else from the hell I helped to create, it is this: have compassion for people, judge lest ye be judged, don't think "it can't happen to me"... I've had to learn the hard way.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited March 23, 2001).]

You know how you said you never noticed it before...That is the ultimate statement...Things can be everywhere, but we just don't notice it. I always said I wasn't very perseptive. I feel like my childhood was so sheltered. I had a child with Downsyndrome 4 years ago, and I had heard of it, but I don't think I ever noticed a person with DS before. Having one opened my eyes to another world. We live in a city that people with DS, and poeple with DS children move to for the great education program-the best in the world. So, people with DS are everywhere, I never noticed before. But after my D was born, I can pick them out from behind. And here it looks like the typical family. <BR>Similar to that you notice how practically every song, every show out there involves infidelity. Song on the radio never really meant anything. Now I feel anger, hurt, etc. from these songs. It is entering another world. Makes you think what you'll notice next in life...What your eyes will awaken to. It is weird to get up one day and notice things that were always around you and wonder how come you didn't notice that before~It is a defense mechanism of some sort to lead ourselves to believe we are living in our own perfect little world. I don't know. I am in awe at this....

new_beginning:<P>"You know what amazes me... how much infidelity jumps out as us all the time. Everywhere."<P>I'm glad this topic was posted. I also read the column and was SO tempted to show it to my H who has indulged in an EA for years. She is his "Best Friend." Gag. <P>It does jump out at you. We went to see "Love and Basketball" and the long married couple's husband had an affair. The fallout affected their child and the child's "steady." <P>It's part of nearly every movie or TV plot. And it's treated like a joke! I turn and look at my husband, and he just doesn't GET IT. Our marriage is an empty shell, and all his emotional energy has gone into making this "friend" happy.<P>ANd I love your description, below:<P>"From the POV of the infidel...The problem is, and always has been (in my opinion) that you don't realize what you've done until you're on the other side of it. You are a hurricane, spinning around, wreaking havoc, ripping lives apart, not noticing the pain, the anguish... and then it stops one day -- the spinning, I mean. And you look behind you... and there it is: Hell. You made hell. And you can try to fix it, but it takes so much time... it's a state of emergency... <P>And from the POV of the betrayed person... even if you want the infidel back with all of your heart... you stand in the rubble that someone else (who you loved with your entire heart) caused, and you wonder: what did I do to deserve this?"<P>Thank you for writing this. This is how I see it. His POV is/has been "I should never have told you the TRUTH. You'll never get over this."<P>DUH. He should have told HIMSELF the truth much earlier and told me the truth whenever I brought up that I thought we might have some issues to work on, instead of repeating one of his mantras: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"<P>THank you for your honesty. ANd for the quote below:<P>"If I've learned nothing else from the hell I helped to create, it is this: have compassion for people, judge lest ye be judged, don't think "it can't happen to me"... I've had to learn the hard way."<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Hi Belle,<P>You are a prolific writer! I love reading what you write. <P>I actually went over to the D/D board and wrote a thread that made me feel much better, titled "I am a Hurricane"... even I liked my analogy so much!! Every once in awhile, I let emotion guide my fingers, and I come up with something like this. I'm just being honest, and I do have the icky distinction of having been on both sides of infidelity, so I CAN give the POV of both BS and WS.<P>Thank you for your kind words.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

lighthouse,<P>The impression I got from the Dear Abby letter was that in this couple's case, they might well have been the long-married couple with "things to teach us" up until the affair started. According to the letter, the H was even now insisting that he wanted both women. I know depression is extremely common in the elderly, even more so than at midlife, and the affair in this case had begun while the OW's H was dying of cancer. The most glaring horror in this story is the man's complete lack of taking responsibility - holding his wife responsible for not stopping him. <P>new_beginning,<P>Ah, so this is where the "hurricane" post was. <P>I never noticed all the infidelity around either. I see it now all over the place, in tv, songs, etc., but still not much in real life except in these boards. Just about everyone I know is apparently happily married. My sister claims that ten years from now, a large percentage of my friends won't be - but I doubt it. None of my friends have divorced during the last ten years. It is like there are two parallel universes - tv, these boards, the paper - where infidelity and divorce is rampant - and the other universe, the one I live in, where all of the parents of my kids' friends, all of my acquaintances and friends, have been married for many years and all the kids are in intact families. <P>crete,<P>I found the same thing with my children who had language delays. At one point almost everyone in my 4-H club had moderate to severe learning disabilities.<P>Bellevue,<P>I agree that it is treated as a joke, or at least no big deal, or tv or in the movies.

Dear Sheryl,<P>I previously read your post on the d/d side. I was impressed to say the least. You are accurate about this hurricane being something that we are all thrown into. <P>Initially, I could not listen to the radio, all the songs hurt to much. Infidelity is all around us. Choking us like not just fog but 'vog' (hawaiian term for volcano smog). <P>The interesting part is how the WS & OPs act like they are in a bad soap opera. Is that where some of them get their ideas? I had the displeasure of actually reading some of the e-mails from the OW and listening to some of her conversations with WS. You know what? CBS or ABC could use some of her material. I don't watch soap operas but she is good. Her statements are: "Truth is pure", "I love you from the bottom of my heart", 'your love for me is the only thing you need', "your marriage was bad from day 1" and the one she told me in an e-mail: "I've taken cared of Keith with the quality that has been incredible for him.<BR>So, don't tell me that I am not supportive of his best welfare. I've listened to him, laughed with him, shared stories and our love for the healthier life together,<BR>beyond the time you've had a chance to prove yourself to him by. He will livelonger with me, have true kinship with me, and a real friendship with me." Incredible!!?!?!?! <P>I think her husband should see what a good writer she is. <BR>Hmm. Anyway, there is a lot more this OW has said. Reality is that H is now sick physically, mentally and emotionally. He is a financial wreck and OW still hasn't offered a hand. Oh well, they will be forced to be 24/7 soon and she will have the opportunity to prove all her words that she so bravely wrote about over 2 1/2 months ago. <P>Anyway I seem to be straying. I appreciated your post and just wanted to let you know that. <P>Thanks,<P>L.<P> <P><BR>

Hi Orchid,<P>I am glad that my emotional fingers helped someone today!<P>I guess **this** is what I came back to MB to do... to be open and honest about my life, and hope to God it helps someone along the way. <P>Thanks everyone for making me feel like I did something worthwhile today. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

orchid,<BR>You should see this e-mail I found---Incredible what she says in it. I don't know if I can post it or not....anyone could see how crazy she was...I asked my H to explain this Pain she referred him to be in and he said he wasn't in pain-he didn't remember this letter and couldn't believe what it said...<BR>I can't believe that they don't "see" the nutty behavior of the op--until the A is over.<BR>All the crazy stuff she said was always dismissed as "a joke"<BR>I don't think the networks would use What my h op said--it was way too much, and would definitely portray the op as NUTS...and infidelity isn't portrayed on soaps as a big deal--people just move on, no big deal.<P>New song that makes me sick:<BR>I heard it on the country station:<BR>Mrs. Steven Rudy you don't know what you do to me-<BR>Your wedding rings as ugly as your husband is to you...<P>about this guy in love with a married woman--makes me sick when I hear it.--and his video is all fun and laughing....Makes my stomach turn everytime I hear it.