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#905976 03/23/01 11:09 AM
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Summertime & Hurts2Much . . . <P>As I read your posts on the thread about how long your marriages have survived post A . . . well, I know I'll probably get flamed for this, but SNAP OUT OF IT!!!<P>I do not mean to be harsh or unkind, no, never. And I do not mean 'snap out of the anguish and pain you are suffering because of your WS's actions'. I mean, snap out of the self-pity. It serves no productive purpose. It will cause you to become bitter and your soul will shrivel up inside you.<P>You claim that your WSs are remorseful, making efforts at recovery, love you. I am assuming that you and your spouses have read the MB principles and are applying them and that you've also read SAA and are applying those recovery rules.<P>Yes, you need to grieve the loss of the old marriage. Yes, it is more painful than any other grief you will ever know, including the devastation of losing a child.<P>Your spouses made the most tragic of mistakes. And you will drive yourself insane with 'what-ifs' and 'if onlies', 'should haves' and the like. It is irrelevant that you are highly logical. As are NOT and never will be.<P>My H's infidelity very nearly destroyed us both and yes, he was the sort of man I could have sworn on a stack of Holy Bibles would NEVER EVER hurt me in this fashion. I've watched us both get very near the brink of suicide and I've seen us save each other from taking that selfish step. Selfish because there are so many, most especially our children, that value and love us for the individuals that we are.<P>We drifted and we stopped being each other's greatest source of happiness. We stopped taking care of each other as we had promised on our wedding day; we both share the blame for that. He had an A and he and the OW alone are responsible for that. We had been married 16 years; the EA went PA one week after our anniversary, which we didn't even celebrate.<P>Yes, I still feel torn apart. And on some days, it still feels like the pain in my heart is enough to kill me and I'm surprised even now that it hasn't . . . but little by little, my H and I have worked to heal each other. Yes, he is much farther along and he is healing faster; he was not the one who was betrayed. But, I'm getting there with his support, tireless efforts,love, and patience.<P>On D-day, I thought my life was ruined. But, when I looked at it all, alone and huddled in my bed, physically depleted, and my heart shattered, one truth remained: I loved him more than life itself. And, this mattered more than anything else. That didn't mean everything else was unimportant; it means that it mattered less than love.<P>And, if he still loved me, then we had a chance for happiness again some day. But, this time, we'd NEVER make those mistakes again. He was my high school sweetheart. He is a good man, with a big heart, sincere, loving, honorable. Yes, honorable. He made a MISTAKE; we did not know then what we have learned now. The mistake will never happen again. I truly believe that.<P>For a while, I thought, "What does it say about me, that I would want to stay married to a man that would do such a thing to me?"<P>My husband replied, "It means that you are truly a compassionate person, and that you love those that you love unconditionally, even in the face of such pain that I caused you. And, that is the greatest love of all. It means that I am lucky that you could see through all this hurt and help me realize what I was becoming and bring me back to being the man I want to be: YOUR husband, YOUR lover, YOUR protector and hero, the father of OUR children . . . a good man, a decent, loving, and committed man--one of integrity. I had lost myself and you helped me find my way home again and I do not ever want to leave again." <P>My best friend answered the question with, "If this had been a 2nd A or even a 3rd, I would say it means you are STUPID. But, I can see how utterly sorry he is, and that he loves you very deeply. That he regrets it . . . It means that if you can forgive this worst of all betrayals, that you are a strong and courageous person, and that you honor your committment to the man you married. I can only see great things for you and your H coming from your decision to choose the path of recovery over that of divorce because you have chosen it together. You will get beyond this and be an even happier couple than you ever were before. Let yourself grieve, continue to let him help you through it."<P>Summertime & H2M, take an active part in your recovery and healing. This doesn't mean there won't be bad days and that you heart will all of a sudden stop aching; but it will lessen and ease if you will allow your Hs to help you through it. LET THEM LOVE YOU. And, ask yourself, on a daily basis, what loving thing can I do for him today?<P>You can CHOOSE to restore your love and joy, despite the pain. Don't throw this 2nd chance at true happiness away.

#905977 03/23/01 01:31 PM
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Sad Heart, I agree with you about self pity. But where is the line between anguish and self pity? <P>You talk about letting my husband's love help. Well he loved me when he had the affair so what does his loving me mean? You said you realized how much you loved your husband and so you had to recover and go on. I don't feel love for mine anymore. I have lost all my respect for him and love and respect go hand in hand for me. <P><BR>I not only thought my husband would never hurt me. I never thought my husband would do ANYTHING inappropriate. As I've said on this board before, he won't even get up to go to the men's room on an airplane if he has diarheaa and the seat belt sign is on!!! He ALWAYS used to follow every rule. I don't know who I am married to anymore.<P>Even if I could find compassion, it would not be enough. He is desparate for me to stay with him and "help" him become the man he used to be. I'm doing that right now but I'm not getting anything out of it. I guess I just don't want to be married to him anymore. But we've been together over 35 years and even if we are divorced, I will probably have to have some contact with him over the years. So I don't know what to do. <P>I really don't know how to go on. I can't even think of what going forward would be. I am seeing a lawyer next week and if finances can be worked out, perhaps I will feel better separating from him. Maybe being apart will enable me to be more objective about him. However, deep down I think he will find someone else when I leave. He is very needy. <P>Don't worry about inflaming anyone. Most people appreciate honesty (that's what we didn't get from our spouses). S.

#905978 03/23/01 02:14 PM
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sad heart;<P>i know that you did not mean to be hurtful with your post, that you're only trying to help. I'm not going to flame you. You took time to post a detailed message to me, and I won't get angry with you for doing so.<P>i asked my H if he thought i was pitying myself and he said probably. so who knows, i'm probably pitying myself. but you know what? i'm too tired and exhausted to even try to analyze, process, understand this s*** anymore. I'm done. <P>I'm depressed, I'm pregnant, I'm sick, I'm self-pitying. I can't do this anymore. I've had a therapist tell me to get over it, affairs happen, I have you and my H saying that I pity myself. So it would seem that not only was I a bad wife, I can't even get recovery right. I can't do anything right in my life. I just want to give up trying. I've tried so hard over the years to "get over" the things that have happened in my life, to look to the future and see something better, but you know what? I keep getting knocked down to the ground. My H says that I should try to not let this be such a huge focus of my thoughts, to try to focus on the future, but I can't.<P>I know this may p*** some people off on this board, knowing that I have a WS who is sorry and wants to make things work. They probably wonder why I'm so hesitant to try again. Because I'm frightened he'll hurt me again, and that will kill me. It's that simple.<P>you talk about being an active participant in recovery; that would be great if I could actually function. I'm lucky I get out of bed in the morning, the idea of making a decision does nothing except freeze me on the spot.<P>I just want to give up

#905979 03/23/01 03:14 PM
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Hurts2Much--<P>You write<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have you and my H saying that I pity myself. So it would seem that not only was I a bad wife, I can't even get recovery right. I can't do anything right in my life. I just want to give up trying. I've tried so hard over the years to "get over" the things that have happened in my life, to look to the future and see something better, but you know what? I keep getting knocked down to the ground.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am so sorry you feel this way. You sound very depressed, and I know being pregnant makes everything worse emotion-wise. I just wanted to say hang in there. Don't worry about doing recovery right...there is a big "grief" component to it, and no one can tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. I have lost a child (and, BTW I DO disagree with the original poster's statement that an affairs hurst worse...but that is irrelevant to this post)...anyway, I do know that my grief seemed too deep and too self-indulgent to some of my family. But, it was my child and I needed to grieve her in my own way. Just as the marriage you have "lost" needs to be grieved before you can go on to rebuild a new marriage. Nine months of recovery things are still pretty fresh, and you cannot be expected to be bouncy & cheerful all the time.<P>However, there is a thin line at times between grief & the accompanying fears, etc. and self-pity. Even in grief, it does help to remind yourself of the good things in your life. Take care of yourself. Do some fun things. Go on dates with your H and let yourself enjoy being with him. Try not to worry too much about the future, take one day at a time...you will get thru this. And, while I know anti-depressantsa are offlimits due to the pregnancy, if you still feel terribly depressed after the baby is born, do consider them.<P>Hugs--<BR>Kathi<BR>

#905980 03/23/01 03:43 PM
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hurts2much<BR>There are medications for depression that can be safely used during pregnancy. Get yourself to your OB asap and tell him/her everything! There is no reason to let this eat you alive and that is what it is doing.<P>You say the fear that your husband will hurt you again is what keeps you from giving him another chance....that if he did it again it would kill you. Well I believe where you are now is slowly killing you. It may not be killing you physically, but it is killing you emotionally and mentally. Don't give your precious baby a mother who is too afraid to love....get help and reclaim the joy and happiness in your life.<P>Please, please talk honestly to your doctor about some meds.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

#905981 03/23/01 09:20 PM
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Summertime,<P>Love and respect for you go hand in hand . . . if he is truly repentant over his actions, then LET him prove it to you and EARN your respect. Choose to do loving things for him. They do not have to be monumental things; just little things are fine. If you're not sure what he'd appreciate, just ask him.<P>I try to make a point every day of asking my H if there's something I can do for him or get for him, even if it's only a dish of ice cream or the heating pad for his aching shoulder. ANYTHING. I don't mean becoming a servant and waiting on him hand and foot . . . I mean is there some small kindness or gesture of love you could extend to him?<P>And, be sure to tell him what you need to help you restore your trust in him and that he needs to be patient. What small little thing or action makes you feel loved and cherished? TELL HIM; help him help you. You respected him before; I find it difficult to believe that you could not come to respect him again, if he earns it by his actions, as well as his words.<P>Can you not give him a second chance to earn that again? He is not perfect; he committed a human error . . . according to what I understood from your posts, he wants to seriously try to rebuild. Can you not look at it as a new start? The chance for a new relationship with a man you once loved so deeply?<P>{{{{{{{{Summertime}}}}}}}} I wish you well, I truly do. I wish you healing and love, and when you are ready again, to feel true joy. <P>H2M,<P>Don't you dare give up; with a new little one on the way you have every reason not to give up on YOURSELF. If he is making a sincere effort based on MB Principles, then meet him half way. You cannot heal through this alone; you NEED his help and he needs yours.<P>You were not a bad wife. You were most likely doing the best you knew how,like me, and also like me, you didn't know the things you have learned NOW through the MB Principles. Apply them and let them guide you.<P>I remember once, on a very dark day for me, saying to myself "Just another day in h***. . . " and then I shook myself. I made myself take a hard look at all my H was doing and how hard he was trying and shook myself again and told myself that it doesn't have to be another day in h***.<BR>I WILL climb out of this pit of despair and I will get busy living and working through my grief so that I will have happier days or I might as well lay down right here and die.<P>As far as family and friends--well, we have chosen to keep this private from them. Only a few very select friends are aware of what's happened. And, they support us on our path to recovery. People say things and don't realize how critical they sound some times (and hypocritical, too . . . ). Would it help if you told your family that you need them to allow you to process your grief without criticism or pushing you to 'hurry it up'? That what you need most are loving arms to hug you, ears to listen to you as you grieve, to weep with you? To HELP you, not chastize you? You have every right to feel your pain and every right to work through it. I don't think you can heal without going through the process and to deny yourself would only cause further problems down the road. If they cannot agree to this out of love for you, then only discuss the matter with family and friends who DO agree to this because they so love you.<P>I've been on very minimal, low dose antidepressants for a number of years now; thank goodness I was already on them when the darkest hour or perhaps I would not be alive today . . . given that you are currently preganant, I agree that it would be wise for you to speak with your OBGyn and explain the situation. There may be SOMETHING that can be done to help you.<P>DON'T YOU GIVE UP. {{{{{{{{H2M}}}}}}} You will get through this.

#905982 03/24/01 10:47 AM
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I wish I knew how to cut and paste! I realize that I have made my decision not to rebuild the marriage. I can't deal with the dishonesty he showed by having an affair. I also realize that there is nothing he can do to make me feel better. The affair can't be undone and that is the only thing I need right now.<P>Good luck to all of you and I hope you are all able to live with some joy in your lives with the decisions you have made. S.


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