After a couple of good weeks, my H has decided that once again he's at the end of his rope and wants to leave. It all came about this afternoon when he couldn't get a shelf hung properly. It was my fault for buying such a piece of sh**, and on and on. Then he was mad because the kitchen floor wasn't spotless, then it was because I didn't make him lunch (these were at least the things he came up with). He was really mean and nasty all afernoon---calling me moron, idiot, stupid, etc. many in front of our 9 year old daughter. He kept telling me to shut the fu** up, etc. My mom came from out of town early in the evening, so things were relatively OK until we went to bed. Then it started again. Says that he'll probably stay, but just for a marriage of convenience until the kids are out of the house. Says that there's plenty of single women out there to fill his sexual needs.<P>I thought that there wasn't much more that he could say to hurt me worse than I've been hurt before, but tonight he told me that he doesn't even tell people he's married any more. He also told me that there's people where he works that think he's divorced because he has lots of pictures of the kids but none of me.<P>Why do I put up with this emotional abuse? Why can't I just let him go and get on with my life? I think that I'm strong, but then when it comes down to him saying that he's going to leave, I fall apart again. I'm scared to be 28 and a single mom of 3 kids. I know that I could do it, but it's not what I want. I want a strong marriage that's full of love and tenderness. Not one that's full of yelling, screaming, and being called terrible names. I don't want my kids growing up thinking that it's OK and normal to live in a household that runs this way, but I also don't want them growing up in a single parent household.<P>Please help, I just don't know where to turn anymore....

Hurtingirl<P>I can feel your pain and frustration and ?fear. I too am the mother of 3 small kids, only I am 38 and a stay at home mom (by choice). I am not sure what advice to offer to you other than it is time to take care of YOURSELF. If you do not take care of you, NO ONE ELSE WILL. and If you are not functioning the best, who is goind to protect those kids. Having your husband say all those mean and terrible things is IMHO verbal abuse and should not be tolerated, especially in front of kids. You first, then the kids and then...your marriage. Find a truly supportive network of friends (if you have none, go find some) pastors, support groups, women's organs, etc. You need people who care to help you through this time of CRISIS.<P>If you are a believer, PRAY. If not, maybe it would be a good time to look into this area. For me, it has helped me tremendously and I found people to help and care for me who are TRULY compassionate and supportive in a real, personal way. <P>come here and post. <BR>My thoughts and prayers are with you<BR>Hopelessmom

Dear Hurt,<P>I have been where you are. H uses bad words all the time with me. He never used to cuss at all before. One of the great habits he picked up from OW. <P>Anyway, I just wanted to point out to you that you are being abused. It is hard to recognize and acknowledge the signs. Verbal abuse is a step away from physical abuse. My H threatens physical abuse to its limit. It caused my SIL to call the Sheriff's dept. earlier this week. H was brandishing one of his 'lawn care' tools at me to scare me. Well, he did and the sheriff came as proof. <P>I am just making you aware of how to view your H's anger. The reasons why the anger is happening is something your H will need to explain if possible. I have told my H that I will not accept the anger that he has for himself pointed towards me. I will only accept his anger if I truly did something wrong and it is explained to me in a calm and civil manner. See no reason for abuse!!<P>WS's will try to blame you for every little thing. It seems to be a need they have. Well, this is not a need you need to put up with. Talk to your counselor or a friend. Make sure you are not being taken advantage of.<P>My MIL helped set me straight on this and is working with me so that I stick to plan B. H has been furious. But at least he is not here to unload on me. I have told him that I may do some things that may upset him, so has he. We can deal with those issues again in a calm and civil manner. <P>Hope this is helpful.<P>Take care,<BR>L.

Hurtin, Your H is being a Class A jerk. (I'd use worse language, but Tempest the moderator is a sweetheart and I don't want to make her work harder.)<P>My H did this as well, and I wondered what I had done/how I could make it better...?<P>This is not about you, this is him crushing you to make himself feel better, after all, if you are a really lousy person--my heavens, buying the wrong kind of shelving!!!! Why the heck didn't he buy the shelving if it was so doggone important? These "lousy spouse excuses" make him feel like he has every "right" to behave like a stupid inconsiderate frat boy--and I probably owe an apology to frat boys everywhere...his line of reasoning probably won't hold and someday it is very likely that he will utterly hate himself for this behavior, be hardly able to believe that he said and did such cruel, icky things. I know my H now does. Then he has had to work on the guilt, meanwhile I had grown not to like or love him much at all--the old lovebank drain that Plan B is set up to help.<P>Chris123's wife said one of the reasons she left was because he bought Pepsi instead of Coke (or vice versa, whatever). Obviously not the real reason.<P>As Orchid says, you are being emotionally abused. And as hopelessmom says, prayer is one good answer. God will give you the strength to get your legs under you and put steel coils in your spine. You really do no have anything to lose by standing up for yourself, unless you do want to live out the years till the kids are gone in misery. If you feel patience is called for, fine, but remember that as much as you may love your H, he is dead wrong in treating you like this. You may want to read Dobson's LOVE MUST BE TOUGH, I know it helped me, even though I stayed in Plan A most of the time...until I served my H D papers...<P>We made it through. Together now 10 months. The affair started 3 years ago. My H is now someone that I'm glad to be with. <P>If you aren't personally in counseling, please seek it, with this kind of behavior, your H can really mess up, and or damage your mind, spirit and emotions. IF your H will go as well, great, but go alone if he won't.

hurtinginil - I wish I knew the words to make you feel better. You deserve so much more. I don't know what to recommend. Is lack of sex his big complaint? Please know that we're pulling for you and we'll help you be strong.<P>Dave

Thanks so much everyone! It feels good to know there's people out there that care---and you don't even know me! A little update.....H got up this morning in a good mood, even let me snuggle with him in bed (one sided, but at this point, I'll take what I can get). Worked on some stuff around the house, had lunch, etc. and things were going pretty well. He was excited because he was working on some crown molding for the bathroom and was using some of his new tools. Said that he was having a great time! My mom, kids and I went to the mall for a little while and came back to the monster from the night before. Apparently, he had messed up on the miter cuts for the molding and was really, really angry. Took it out on me by calling me names, saying I was a stupid bi*ch, telling me to leave him the fu** alone, etc. I'm walking on egg shells not to make him mad about something stupid. I can't take this much longer......<P>Hopelessmom---thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I know there's so many out there in the same position as I am. I only wish I could be of more help to you. Stay strong!<P>Orchid---what scares me is if he does start to become violent. Today he did say that he was going to slap my face if I didn't shut up. The only time he's ever touched me violently is a couple of months ago he pushed me and I lost my balance and hit my head on the corner of the wall. Had a pretty good goose egg for awhile. That of course was my fault because if I wasn't still so fat (after losing 70 pounds), I wouldn't have lost my balance.<P>Lor---I truly appreciate your words. I look to you as such a strong woman who has been through so much, yet takes the time to help others through their tough times. I cannot express words to thank you enough. Yes, he is acting like a spoiled brat. Told me yesterday that I'd never find someone so perfect ever again. If that's perfect, it won't be hard to beat perfection! He thinks he's God's gift to this earth, and it about makes me want to puke. That's why he gets so angry when something doesn't go right. I don't know if he'll ever feel guilty for this. He truly feels like I deserve it and told me that I need to deal with it.<P>Dave---yes, lack of sex (and the quality) is one of his complaints also. Along with my flabby hips and thighs, dirty kitchen floor, wrong toenail polish color, and I'm just a "stay at home mom". Funny how we made that decision together, huh! He says I'll never be what he wants in a wife and will never be able to make him happy. I'm starting to wonder why I even bother trying.<P>I wouldn't be making it if it weren't for you guys. I truly owe my sanity to this board and all of you who help out. Just help me be strong, I need all the help I can get at this point!<P><BR>Thanks again, and take care!

Hopeless,<P> You do not deserve any of that!!!! What happens when you stand up for yourself?? My first H was abusive. P and E. My spouse now is a little E abusive, controlling, judgemental behavior. I do not put up with it I do fight back. Better than being a codependent. That got me nowere but unhappy. He also had an A last year. Boy is he better now. I refuse to let him put me down, do things for him I do not want to do, etc. You can not make another person happy by doing every little thing they want you to do. I know from many years of experience. <P> Lot of Hugs and Prayers to you!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb