oI am so devastated now, I hardly know what to do except divorce. I have been trying every method known to preserve the hope of a reconciliation. H had talk with my D and told her that regardless how the A turned out he had absolutely no intention of reconciling with me. Said our M had been finished for years (noone told me). Problems, yes.<BR>But this is so so difficult to bear. We have a 17 year history of building financial security and of course a relationship. One more month of plan A, so that we can go to D's wedding with some sort of "friendship". ???? <P>H and I have had many talks, but his memory seems so selective. Said that I was the one who wanted the marriage. (He has always had a problem with commitment .... even to the OW except for the fact that it excites his ego) I am begining to hate him, and myself. Don't know how much longer I can last. If you have read any of my posts, you will know that I am all over the field. When I insisted he leave, he did not want to because "we still get along". God, it's hard.<P>Backround: we're in our 50's and should be looking at exciting times ahead. M has been boring ... buisness has taken a downturn in the last few years. Problems began. <P>Understand, I should take a plan B, but am trying to hold on untill after D's wedding. Please, if you can support me on this. (BTW, OW tells him he should not go to wedding, and he is questioning now whether he should. Does't want to give me any false hopes.) I'm beging to think it is not just the A, but a withdrawal from us. Or is he justifing his A by saying it was over before they became an item?<P>Sorry. Right now everything I have learned here falls from my mind and my emotions have taken over. I want so much to be positive and give it to God, yet that was when I felt hope. I feel none now. Now I just want to have a good cry and ask God for... HELP!<P>Take care. Love you all.

Hello,<P> Yes, it is the alien speak. It is extremely hard to live in the same house with these people, while they are carrying on with their A. I did. I really had no choice.<P> Yes, they do have a tendancy to rewrite history. My H projected, rewrote history, blamed me, lied all over the place, was mean, and nasty. <P> I cried, lost weight, couldn't sleep. I was a mess!! Did that stop him? NO!! Not in the least little bit.<P> Keep praying for yourself and H. I did. Plan A. I did even though I did not even know what it was at the time. <P> I found the MB site in Nov of last year. I was in recovery then. My real H is back. He feels stupid, embarassed, remorseful, unworthy of my love. He can not believe he did that.<P> Keep posting and the good people here will help, as best we can. Are you taking meds for this??<P> Lots of Hugs and Prayers<P><P>------------------<BR>Deb

<B>whatami</B><P>I was just popping in to check the board for a moment and your topic hit my eye. I have no time, and I am sorry.<P>I can tell you that your husband's words are nearly carbon copies of what my husband told me. We are a bit over two years since D-day and 16 months into recovery. It has been a rocky road, but by the grace of God we have survived.<P>I know searching her can be exhaustive, but if you're up to it you can look for my user names...<P>Early on= Samanta-MI<BR>Currently= a blessed Samantha<BR>and it's me Samantha<P>Don't give up faith and hope. If you have to move to plan B to preserve what ever feelings you have for your husband, then you'll have to do it.<P>Everything <B>bnbsdbG/Deb</B> says is right on and I know if it were me, I would Plan A my bottom off.<P>As far as your daughters wedding goes, he most certainly should attend. Maybe OW is afraid of the emotions it will bring to your husband. My son got married last year and believe one is at the heights of emotion and reminiscing during the whole event. Use this to your advantage, and for that day, try to forget the OW even breathes on this planet.<P>Good luck sweetie, I will include you in my thoughts and prayers.<BR> <P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited March 25, 2001).]

Your story sounds alot like mine. I wouldn't believe anything he says about not wanting to reconcile if the affair doesn't work out , especially if you are working on planA to leave a positive impression with him. Remember, he is in a fog right now and he doesn't even know what he wants!<BR>Our daughter is expecting a baby next month and I am hoping that this emotional family experince will bring him closer to coming home. But I know right now that I can't believe anything he says. So like me...keep on hoping and praying.

Your responses have been such a blessing. Thank you, Thank you.<P>H and I are separated, however we need to stay in contact because of our businesses. He now lives short distance down the road. He will soon be moving into one of our rental units only a few feet from our home. Do I still love him? Sometimes I wonder just what I feel. The wedding is a thousand miles away. We will be driving and taking my Mom. Staying at hotels, What should I do about the rooms? Cohabitate? <P>Deb and Samantha,<BR>"I cried, lost weight, couldn't sleep. I was a mess!! Did that stop him? NO!! Not in the least little bit."<BR>That's a big ditto. You are both such an inspiration to me. I often think like the WS envisions his A, that our M situation is unique and a one of a kind. Finding this site and people like you has been a Godsend. Until I read your posts I was thinking all hope is lost. Your encouragement and advice help me to continue. I will continue to try and be his friend, even though he seems to be trying to distance himself … Told D he did not want to give me any false hopes. <P>I have tried different meds but they don't seem to effect me, other than making me tired. I just want to release myself from the pain, and say "Here Lord, you handle it." It's hard for me, but when I feel that He is in charge, I calm down. "I can tell you that your husband's words are nearly carbon copies of what my husband told me. We are a bit over two years since D-day and 16 months into recovery. It has been a rocky road, but by the grace of God we have survived." I pray that someday God's grace will give me the success that you both have. (Samantha, will look forward to reading your posts.)<P>Maezy,<BR>I will keep hoping and praying (I hope.) I want to remember that what he says are just words from an addled mind. The OW is so adept at influencing his thinking, from reading her emails for 3 months, the phrases he is using sound more like her words. Told him I read emails in January, since then he tells me they don't do that email thing anymore, but he changed his password so it's hard to tell. Of course, they're on the cell phone often.<P>Much love and prayers for all of us. Thank you for yours.<BR>

Yep, the aliens have got him and that old revisionist history has taken hold. I heard very similar stuff. He had been unhappy for awhile (funny, never showed or expressed any unhappiness until he started the A), it just "wasn't working out" (once again, news to me), of course my favorite "There is NO OW and this has nothing to do with anyone else!" (he moved in with her the next day) and last but not least "We will NEVER get back together." Here we are, 2 years into recovery and he treats me better than he ever did before the A.

Whatami,<P> What is the OW like, besides being a cheat. I asked a lot of questions while H was in the fog. I learned quite a bit about the "fasinating, genius!!" . Turns out she isn't so wonderful, understanding after all!!!!!! I dreamed a lot!!! ( God actually revealed things to me in my dreams!!!!)<BR> OW is living with a man she had a 3 year A with, then he left his family for her!! They have been together for about 14 years. Isn't she SPECIAL?! God revealed the 3 year A part!! I woke up and asked my H if her (live in) left his family for her. He said YES. My Lord can you believe it? She cheats on her live in, who she cheated with. My H feels sorry for the guy. (now) <P> All this B^&$% cares about is money and prestige. She does not even beleive in God!! My H is a Christian! She is prochoice, woman libber. When her live ins children came to visit she would not even cook them a meal. Told my H, I'm no stepmom, I didn't have kids for a reason. She told my H that she gets tired of listening to her live-in talk about his kids!!! All she wants to talk about is business. That is the part my H liked about her. Great business mind. But other than that my H found out she has no depth whatsoever!!<BR>She is a shallow user. She even got my H to go against his SIL, so she could get info out of him. SIL used to work were she is VP. SIL quit, is great friends with owner of Co. SIL calls his friend and rats on OW (VP) and her live-in (President) Isn't she great!!!!!<P> Hang in there. It really is painful to have someone you love so much, treat you with total disregard!! We have been M for 20 years. It was a real shock!! Still is.<P> Pray for your H, and yourself!!!!! We will,too.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb

Samantha,<BR>Read some of your posts. I ,too, have the feeling that H has no love left for me. Many of your observations are the same things I'm seeing. So good to hear that you are back together now and recovering. <BR> Seems like the fog is not lifting, just changing colors. Since D day, (11/00) he has been so solicitious and kind... UNTIL the last couple weeks. <BR>Think he and OW had a little tiff, perhaps about his plans to go to D's wedding with me. Think he may be blaming me for problems with OW??? God bless you and yours.

fairydust,<P>My God, I would have taken him at his word about never wanting to reconcile, if it had not been for people like yourself who have heard the identical statement. I don't know how I would have managed to stay afloat without hope.<P>And the part about "not working out". Hit me like a freight train going a thousand miles an hour. What a suprise. Problems, yes ... but the sudden impact. OUCH.<P>Deb,<BR>After reading a hundred pages of her emails, I know what she is like, but H doesn't see it. She described her bedroom in 500 words or more, told him how wonderful and so on about a million times along with how great their life would be together and how wonderful she is. Mostly she rambled endlessly about herself. What is she? She is a very experienced seductress. Selfish (goes without saying), self centered, and demanding Btch. Clever, she always plants an idea, then tells him his life plans are his choice. HA! After those ego trips, he is helpless. <P>My H still thinks like a 15 year old hippie with a new age religion, although he had dedicated his life to God and being a preacher in his preteens. <P>God and prayers. I am so greatful for the concern and love sent my way. Guess us BS's need all the love and acceptance we can get. I guess I'll just keep on trying.<P>After all, If God is with us ... who can be against us.<P>

fairydust,<P>thank you for the glimmer of hope. Today has been the worst day of all. I am pretty sure my W is filing because of the way i have reacted to her EA. She says i can't give her the space she needs and that my emotions make her sick to look at me. She says that she sees little hope for us. She says that my inability to give her space has put us where we are. Funny how she does the damage and blames me for my emotional fallout.<P>Today I honestly believed that it is over. Her friend told me that she hates me right now and that the marriage is over. I don't know what to think anymore. She is still in the fog. How do I get her out of it?

sadandconfused,<BR>I am certainly no expert. From what these wonderful people have said here, you just have to keep being the best you can be. There is hope for the M. But more importantly, there is hope for you. I feel your pain. I am in the midst of it. Whenever I feel overwhelmed and obsessed with H and the state we are in, I try to say CANCEL that thought, and replace it with "God, I can only give it to you. I am helpless." Hard to do, but suprisingly I seem to have more up days than down. That is until a comparativly new crisis appears. Listen to the more experienced people here. They are a great strength and support.<P>God love you ... Prayers are on their way.

Dear Whatami,<P>The OW in your life must be sisters or best friends with the one in mine. Likes to talk about how great they are and manipulate the WS. Great plan makers slow doers. Would love to have them actually make good on all their promises. OW plans to put WS through school, travel, move to the mountains, have a baby, fulfill his life better than anyone else. Ok, when? Where? How? Mumms the word. Big talkers little doers. The best part? They are soo good at trying to put us in our places. Like they are some kind of advisor. Why would I want to hear about my marriage from a person who is so willing to break up anyone's marriage because supposedly her's is bad? That's like going to a doctor that has had his license removed due to malpractice. <P>Anyway, enough bashing the OW. We are better than they are just so happen to be related to Ws's who are temporarily insane due to being blinded by a 'mad doctor'. Dr. Hyde.<P>What does that mean for us? We are not going to that source for support, confort or advice. We will do our best to help our spouses recover. With their cooperation we can look to the possibility of a better marriage. Without their cooperation, we will come out of this with a better sense of respect for ourselves. Why? Because we are worth it. <P>Please remember this for me when I need to be reminded. I have been having some down days lately and surely will have them again. <P>Thanks,<BR>L.<BR>

<B>whatami</B><P>Keep up your faith, keep up your hope, keep praying and keep Plan A-ing. Your husband will eventually come out of the fog but it often takes so long. <P>He may be reacting to the way OW is putting pressure on him regarding your daughters wedding. Just be the most sparkling wonderful you that you can be. Radiate, which sometimes requires acting skills. Remember there is no way she can know him as well as you do. Not possible. You two have a history and I suspect that at the wedding that history is going to smack him square between the eyes. I doubt you will be needing a two by four. Now if he doesn't react like you'd like at the wedding, or does something like sneak out early, don't let anyone see how disappointed you are, especially him. Just glow and show appreciative love for all he is able to give you.<P>I know none of this seems fair and is very one sided. You are right if that is what you are thinking. Saving a marriage is not about fair or anything close to it. The reward is at the salvation of the marriage...the recovery. Patience and time (two words I am not very fond of) are what is needed.<P>He may be indeed blaming you for problems with OW. It sure is a whole lot easier to do than blame himself or that woman. After all he probably has had much practice at blaming you for things. <P>Just keep up the happy face, love unit build big time. If she keeps being demanding she will be snatching love units from his bank left and right. It may be a while before he realizes his bank for her is low or negative, but eventually he will.<P>I have to tell you that my husband being stopped in the midst or height of his affair, while it was so wonderful, is not necessarily the best way. I know several who stood back and just Plan A-ed. Their spouses affair with the OP bubble busted big time. When they came home, it was a bit easier to handle. This may be the best thing that can happen for you, even though it doesn't feel like it now.<P>Just remember to radiate and be the most wonderful you whenever you are around him or talk to him.<P>Do you have the books recommended on this site. SAA, HNHN, or Torn Asunder? They are all good, my personal favorite is SAA by Harley though. My second favorite is probably Stormie's book, "the Power of a Praying Wife."<P>Okay going to go unwind now, it has been a long day.<P>Take care and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.<P>Big hugs,<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited March 26, 2001).]