Here is my posting from the recovery board...Looking for feedback. T<BR>Thanks so much for your input. You're right, I would like to make it work, but only if it's what we both really want, and what will make us both happy. I have been in a marriage before where I was either on the giving or recieving end of "obligatory Love" and it was horrible, and really damaged 2 good people (myself and a former husband). Last night he did verbalize the shame, confusion, and his sorrow over hurting me and us, and his fear that we can never rebuild. He also acknowledged confusion over his feelings for her. I know he hasn't ended things with her emotionally and maybe not physically. I told him that was ok and he had to move on his timetable..I can't do it for him, and I don't want to stand in the way of his happiness if that's where he thinks it is. I told him I loved him and will wait, but that I had to keep going on with my life. I can't wait forever, and I can't dictate his actions or love. So what I have is a sort of Plan C (see my thread under General Questions). Not to be graphic, the love making afterwards was beautiful. This morning was more soul talking, love making, and ended the same way. I love you, I'll wait, but not forever. He wants to see me again tonight, but I've made other plans and told him so. He's ok with that, and says he needs time to sort out where his life is. He is rather jealous about my plans, but accepted that I do have to get on with life. Here's my next "male" question... My sister says I was a fool to even see him, let alone sleep with him, and maybe she's right. We females were kind of raised with the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", and a part of me agrees and is a little scared right now. But the bigger part of me knows that we connected last night in an emotional way that we haven't been able to do since the A, and that it was a good thing for both of us. So, what's the male take on this? Is this a good step in recovery for us, did you experience something like this, or if not, if you had, would it have helped the recovery, or did I just sucker myself into giving away a free quart?<BR>T <BR>

I think the "buy the cow" phrase is more applicable to new relationships. You're way past that. Did you give in? I don't think so. You gave him a taste of what he might be leaving. You showed him you can put the past behind you.<P>Has he now cheated on his OW with his wife? A totally ridiculous question but it does have some validity, maybe you can find an advatage with it. BTW - during my W's affair OM was jealous of me, according to my W! OM was a good aquaintance, almost a friend. To think he was jealous of my relationship with my OWN WIFE just floors me. Sorry for the vent.<P>I think you did the right thing as long as it doesn't become habit forming. <BR>

Hi Twyla,<P> I have read quite a few of your posts, but never replied.<BR> You are not M, are you? Are you in your 60's?? Or do I have you confused with someone else? I have been doing that a lot lately!! I quess it's because everyones stories sound basicly the same. Anyway, I think your "quart of milk" remark is really funny!!! I love it! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it! <P>------------------<BR>Deb

tee-hee... No Deb...Not married..been together for about 13 years. Both of us with previous marriages. and HE's 60, not me. I'm 45...but hey, you got the general idea...I had to laugh because I do the same thing..just the facts but not sure which one's. The "Cow" story is the one most sweet southern girls are raised on. Didn't take with me the minute I entered puberty anyway...didn't want to belong to a farmer..liked those city-slickers!!!<BR>T

Again, Twyla you've brought up a topic very much on my heart and mind. A part of me has wanted my husband (sexually) like never before in the time since discovering his A. We've mostly resisted (sorta). He says it has to do with not wanting to me hurt more if things don't work out with us, (again I wonder about his motives, "does he feel like he'd be unfaithful to OW?") and that he doesn't want me doing things with/for him out of fear (losing him, not measuring up as a woman, etc.). I resist because I imagine that he would rather it be the OW that he's with instead of me, that he'll take advantage..."give an inch, take a mile" and think this is a signal that I'm past what's happened and there isn't anything more he has to do as far as working on us having a very different relationship if we're together still. NOTHING'S SIMPLE ANYMORE! None the less, it's a real struggle when he comes around, turns on the charm, and acts like he wants me. <BR>Also, Twyla, on the continuing topic from Fri. "Plan C", WS wants to get angry at my insisting on legal aspect, says basically, that he thinks things are working out with us, then I push him away by insisting on such...For today anyway, I feel like I'm asking very little to have some financial security (not just depending on his good graces), while I'm expected to work with him on moving toward each other again if possible. I really feel like he needs some incentive to keep working on improving our relationship, going back to what we had before the A. IS NOT AN OPTION! And if him believing that I may not always just be here waiting for him to see his way clear to "come back to me" is the way to keep him working...then so be it. Also, it's pretty important for him to see that I'm coming through the chaos and confusion enough to make a decision and stick to it!<BR>Oops! I'm kinda self-absorbed these days, huh. Uhhhhh, Twyla, what was your question again? Oh yeah, giving away the milk...don't beat yourself up any about what happened, no matter what follows...You did what you needed to for yourself at the time (to say nothing of doing something great for him). THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!<BR>G.

Hi Twyla,<P> OK, Half the facts better than none? We are about the same age. I am 48. My mom said the cow thing also. I even quoted to my girls, they didn't listen either.<P> When my H was in the fog, and preparing to leave me for the OW. She said no, thank GOD!! I gave up gallons and gallons of the stuff!!!! His OW wouldn't even give him a drop!!!! Of course he was having his own little problems with her anyway. He was having ED. Now I never had the problem with him in 20 years!!!!! I Prayed for us an a continual basis. I do believe in my heart that God did intervene here. Or I just kept telling him " You better not do it with her." It will be over then. Well anyway he didn't. He is very grateful for that, and so am I. THANK YOU GOD!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb

OK..back on track.<BR>Deb..I laughed so hard at your reply...Gallons, you say? Not bad for a "middle-aged woman" (quote from my ex #1). You know, I'd do it again no matter what and I probably will given the next opportunity when things are good. Sexual Needs ranks 1-2 with me depending on the weather, my cycle, and who was running around half-naked at the beach today!!! Just call me Bessie!<BR>GAJ..knowing this, you may not want to take any advice from me, but I say, it the time is right do it.<BR>As far as financial security.. If you're a stay at home Mom, you need to have some security. Kids are expensive.<BR>T