I've been thinking about guilt. It is very tempting when we're hurt to try to make our WS's feel very guilty to make them say they're sorry but I just read somewhere that making them feel guilty will only make them want to run to the OP because they are the only one's who will indentify with the guilt and console them.Is it better to appear strong and understanding,even though it's so hard.Or does guilt play a part in reconsiling.?<BR>

I had a very hard time with this, I didn't think he 'felt' guilty enough.<P>Truth is if recovery is important to you, don't make him feel guilty, he will do this himself. You need to work on making him feel better. Give him a reason to 'want' to spend time with you.

This goes hand in hand with my latest desire that I'm NOT acting on... That's trying to make my wife jealous and insecure.<P>She's in a place right now where that would be a fairly easy thing to do and the attention would feel nice. Maybe some of it is wanting her to feel some of the anxiety she put me through. Just thoughts, not plans.

You can't make anyone feel guilty. That is something they do to themselves. Some feel so guilty they become parnoid.<P>However, constant reminders of their misdeed can further the guilt. Never letting that knowledge rest can useful, depending at what stage of the relatioship you are in. But for a long term purpose, no it is not good to further guilt. It only slows down the healing process. But it should not be ignored. Unless true guilt is acknowledged, there is no repentance. <P>Bottom line, guilt has it's time and place. Recognition of guilt also has it's time and place. Healing and support also have their time and place. <P>The hard part it knowing what belongs in what time and in what place!!!! That's the part we all need help in.<P>L.

This is a good question, here’s my take on it. <BR>I think that it important for the WS to see your anger and be made to feel guilt. “TOO A POINT”. I think it’s important that they see what the A has done to you and just how mad you are. It’s a dangerous thing though. The problem is yes, they may run back to OP. I wouldn’t recommend doing it until you know WS is committed to recovery. Once you’ve gotten it out, that’s it, everyday life will make them guilty. You can’t keep beating them up with it. If you do, you’re withdrawing love and you will drive them away.<P>oswald<BR>

re you trying to save your marriage?? If so don't do the<BR>guilt trips..thats trying to control them...and not only that..it shows your condemning them..not loving them...take it from someone whose spouse has thrown everything from my<BR>past up in my face for many years...don't do it..it will<BR>backfire..it will make them run the other direction..<P>How would you like it if your spouse constantly condemned<BR>you of your mistakes?? Think about it...how would you feel<BR>if they constantly made comments about how much weight you gained after having three kids..when you were once a size 4<BR>and now a size 16....you know inside that you hate being that size..but their comments make you feel even worse..<P>(Not saying that has happened to you...just using that<BR>as an example)

I also felt angry that my WS didn't feel guilty enough. After almost 3 weeks since he left OW, he does feel remorse for all the people he hurt (including OW, her H, and her D), but I don't think he will ever know how MUCH he hurt me. I mostly feel that I have to let this go, because I just start to get angry when we discuss it and he tries to equate the pain which he says drove him to the OW (which he now admits was our mutual inability to communicate our needs) to the pain he caused me by moving in with her. Hopefully for him, he never has to know that kind of pain, the pain all the BSs here understand all too well. I don't think anyone can understand that pain if they haven't felt it, so how can I expect him to get it?

Very good points, all of you. Thanks.

MAEZY,<P>I am a lurker who has actually been around a long time...over 2 years 'here' at MB. I also am the WS and wanted to share my two cents for what it is worth.<P>I can attempt to understand the pain that has been inflicted on the BS heart, but I'd be a fool to say I knew it for sure. As it has been said, unless you live a particular pain or situation, you can't say you KNOW it.<P>For someone like me, who lives with a great deal of guilt due to what I have done to my husband, I can say that more guilt may very well have killed me.<P>For me, it has been his love that has drawn me back. He doesn't 'dismiss' my wrong...but he looks at me, and somehow sees me as a human being who made horrible mistakes. His love is somehow bigger than the pain I have caused. It is somehow stronger than the worst in me. How does he do it? I don't have any idea...<P>It is like the love of God. My husbands reaction to me has been mercy in the greatest measure.<P>I am hoping the best for my marriage, and the marriage of the OM and his wife (as awful as that sounds coming from someone who caused so much damage).<P>I don't have the answers. I only know that my husbands love has saved my life in many ways, where guilt could have ended it.<P>take care and good luck<BR>-dawnn<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Dawnn (edited March 27, 2001).]

I don't believe we should ever try to make our spouses feel guilty. That isn't productive. I'm not quite sure what you mean by being understanding, however. If you mean to be understanding about the affair...somehow implying that there is nothing to worry about....then I don't think you should be understanding either. There is no way to understand infidelity....it is a senseless act. You may understand some of the things that made them vulnerable, but that is the limit of understanding.<P>The important thing for the wounded spouse to do is to express love for the unfaithful spouse and a commitment to healing the marriage. The anger and pain that you feel will have to be dealt with by both of you and it is that process that will probably induce guilt naturally in the unfaithful spouse. It is really important not to try to force that guilt or to keep them living in it. Guilt is productive only as it produces remorse for the actions that caused harm and then repentance from it. Guilt that continues over time is not productive for either spouse.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I agree with the majority. TRYING, to make them feel guilty about what theyr'e doing may be a futile task while they are covered by the fog. The only remorse they might feel is for themselves, being with a person who makes them feel so bad. And who makes them feel good? The OP, of course!