. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Roger, <P>This is an emotional issue, not tied to a timeframe. The recovery period is yours to control. By that I mean you will know when it is over. As much as you want it to be over, if you inner mind and heart are not ready to forgive and forget, then you will not. You must be in sync with your complete self. <P>What are you and your wife doing to rebuild trust in your marriage? Concentrate on your current issues and each other. Recovery happens when you both put effort into it. It sounds like your wife just wants to forget and you want to go on. I think you both need to be put more effort into making the recovery a reality. You can not just sit back and let it happen. <P>Have you both gone to joint counseling or talked with a friend? You sound like you have a lot of unanswered issues and questions that keep bringing you back with more questions. It is important that you are able to come to some amicable or reasonable answers for your peace of mind. It is possible that your wife still has some unresolved issues and is having a difficult time facing them. <P>Just my thoughts, please take care.<P>L.

Rodger,<BR>Like Orchid says, the amount of time is very individual and depends on all the factors--time & intensity of affair, continued contact, community, pregnancy, support--that went into the affair, and the personalities of the spouses, certainly high self-esteem would help either spouse heal more quickly. And, some of us don't know when to start counting the recovery time .<P>If you feel like things are going well, great. You might cycle back into some issues, or triggers, you might not. Counseling is a wonderful tool to help either of you. The MB principles of Successful Marriage are also a good place to start.<P>Don't worry about time. Time will pass and healing takes place.

D day was Aug 20-00 and real recovery began Nov 10. I am feeling much better these days but yeah, every so often (maybe 2-3X a week), I go backwards.<BR>I will say that, for my own situation, My H really hates talking about his A. But I had questions that went unanswered because he would go on overload when I got going,asking. I think because I bombarded him. I think I bombarded him because I held do much in and when he was ready to talk, I went nuts! We went to NYC for the weekend, last weekend, and on the 3 hours drive home, we talked. Amicably,reasonably and completely. It would probably gone on a little longer but he said he was about done. It drains him. So, I now feel as though, with almost evry one of my questions answered, satisfactorily, I can move on.<P>Had a set back this AM,He posted something on MB that brought up some old pain. I questioned an old friendship he had with a woman years ago. He called it an EA,here. Not really understanding what an EA is. The sex. love,soulmate stuff. And it was never that. It was, at least from my stand point, a friendship with a woman who would have slept with him in a heartbeat,attested to by every single person we knew at the time. He wasn't interested in that with her, just the ego boost from her attention. He knew I didn't like it and wanted him to address it but he never did. She sort of just faded away. No closure for me and a sore subject. So, I asked him a question but probably not the right way, I was upset and we fought some. About going backward. All kinds of things set us off, I guess. I'll have to apologize to him some more later. But on some level, I wish he'd just ANSWER in a kinder way.<BR>Sorry, this was probably not the proper forum for all this. My fingers and mind rook over and I couldn't stop.<BR>Thanks for listening. We are truly in recovery and will be better than OK, eventually. Just gotta watch those triggers

To desire complete recovery after only a few months is absolutely normal.....to find it isn't. Keep in mind that the initial journey to recovery is pretty rapid when both spouses are focused and committed to the marriage. But things slow down as you progress out of those first intense weeks and months. And I actually believe this is more good than bad. Both spouses have work to do and changes to make...forgiveness to seek and give...and this is something that needs to be done slowly and deliberately.<P>One of the things that is a byproduct of a healed marriage is a better level of honesty and openness, no matter how tough the subject. So if you are hiding your bad moments and difficulties from your wife, then I don't consider that complete healing. There is a way to share those feelings that encourages closeness and support, not anger and distance.<P>From the circumstances you describe I would also encourage counseling for both you and your wife.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31