Hi Dave,<BR> I haven't been around in a few days that's why it's taken me so long to get back to you. I just read your most recent post. I am terribly sorry that your W is where she is.<BR> For me, I just wasn't one that could Plan A with my H in an ongoing affair. I was so very frightened at playing hard ball as I have 3 kids ,the middle one considerably developmentaly delayed and has medical issues as well. I was terrified of parenting on my own. The hopes of finding someone, who would want my "package", should my H have chosen to leave would have been very slim. All that considered, I just couldn't emotionally handle an ongoing thing with H and OW, as I already had a full plate. For me too, I had not been a terrible spouse. I had always given and given.My H on the other hand has always been very selfish (until recovery).For me, it was simply that I had let my priorities get out of order and the marriage was void of much fun. Anyway........<BR> Two weeks before D-day I had gotten the "not in love with you" senario.H had asked for a separation saying he didn't know if he wanted to be married. He had said this a number of times in the previous few years.One night he called me at work demanding to know where I had put a gift certificate to a hotel in San Fransisco(we live outside of LA).When he had asked for the separation he mentioned he thought "maybe" he needed to get away alone for a few days.Well, I couldn't remember where I had put it and he became verbally abusive and accused me of trying to control him.He was so out of control that I just "knew" something was going on.I was so distraught I left work and came home and confronted him.He denied it. I told him that if he didn't admit it I was contacting an attorney (a friend of mine) in the morning. He had been an A$$ for 2-3 years. I grabbed his arm and took his pulse(I'm a nurse).It was racing. I said, "so if you're not lying why is you heart beating out of your chest?" He confessed that he had been having an ongoing relationship via phone and e-mail with a woman he had met on a business trip in SF 6 years earlier. He wanted the gift certificate because he was now planning to make the relationship physical . I told him to get out,he couldn't have us both, and go to her( a single mom,several years younger,looking for a father for her kid). He left and went to his parent's house for the night. I burned the gift certificate, we didn't have the money for him to go on his own. He was back by morning to get the kids off to school and I ran to a counselor I had seen in the past for depression. The counselor called him at work and he immediately left to come and see how I was. The counselor told him that if there was any hope for us he had to cut contact immediately. He called OW in front of the counselor and she wasn't there. He left her a message saying that he wanted to work on his marriage. She of course called him at work the next day but he told her he couldn't just give up on a 12 year marriage. Come to find out later she had been pressuring him to come and see her.<P>He still kept saying he needed to separate to decide if he wanted to be married.I just let him go, told him I didn't want him if he didn't want to be here, but that I wasn't going to wait forever and put my life on hold for him. He actually asked me how long I would wait. This happened in Sept and I told him I would wait until my b-day in mid Dec. However, he knew it was impossible for him to move into a place of his own so it took him awhile to decide where to go.While he remained at home we existed merely civilly, I plan A'd the best I could. He said he wanted to be my friend. I told him, "My friends don't lie to me, cheat me,emotionally abuse me and betray me. Why would I want you for my friend?" It bothered him to think that if he ended the marriage I would not be his pal. We have known each other since high school.We were both 36 when this happened. He says that in the month he lived at home before he moved out that he had no contact with OW. If that is true or not I really don't know.All his contact occurred at work or when I was at work at night(7p-7a) He also went into counseling within a months time of d-day and started anti-d's. I took off for 4 days to the mountains to let him handle the kids all by himself at the recommendation of my C. She felt he was a spoiled selfish person who had taken me for granted for long enough. He needed to see what it was going to be like with me gone. He alternated between coldness and concern talking to me when I called to talk to the kids when I was gone. He moved out a little short of 1 month past d-day, went to live with a friend of his mom and dad's, a good friend of the whole family. She agreed to let me know(unbeknownst to him) if he was getting calls or was out galavanting.He wasn't.<P>At the same time I stood strong,helped him move and went along like I could do it all without him.I let him know that I loved him and wanted out marriage to work and that I would do my part but that I didn't want him if he didn't want to be here. So he kind of imposed his own Plan B.We didn't talk about us but he helped a lot with the kids.They never wanted to go with him for visits. I didn't make them and this bothered him tremendously. He could see that if we divorced he wouldn't be seeing his kids much. I also told him that if I was going to parent alone I was going to get support by going to Parent's Without Partners. I went, he watched the kids. He asked what it was like and I told him. Three men had asked me if I dated that night.I informed him that I had told these men that I did NOT date. The prospect of me being in a "lonely hearts" atmosphere on a regular basis, with him being undecided about the marriage,bothered him as well. He knew he could not tell me I couldn't be in a situation where I was "legitimately" looking for support. Honestly, I would have never went back,but I never let him know that.He repeatedly asked me during our separation if I was going back, to which I responded,"if I find it necessary to cope, I will" I didn't want to play any obvious head games and appear manipulative or vengeful. This "support" group served a wonderful purpose without any appearance of either of the above and also struck some fear into him. He had a great deal of the "old put away toy" syndrome. He no longer found me exciting and interesting but when he had to face the prospect that someone else might find his "toy" wonderful and new and take it home for their very own he realized he wasn't ready to throw me away yet.<P>He continued in counseling with a wonderful lady who helped him work through some old unresolved stuff he had been carrying along for many years.He only took anti-d's for a couple of months and admitted he had been depressed for at least 3-4 years.OW was an attempt at self medication in a man who would never dream of admitting depression. I had been telling him he was depressed for at least 18 months prior to all this. He stayed gone 2 months and came home for my b-day.<P>I must add that God worked a miracle in our lives. About a month into our separation,my best friend and her H gave us the gift of a mountain church based marriage retreat. He hesitated at first but the retreat was being given by a church that he had attemted to get me to go to several years earlier, at which time I refused to honor his request, insisting that I was Catholic for life. Now I was ready to do anything to save this family so I eagerly wanted to go. It was a Christian church but not Catholic. God touched my H's heart that weekend and he has never been the same. It is a true miracle to see such a drastic change in a man who was never close to God. We continued going to this church from that weekend on, even though he didn't move back home for another 6 weeks. He said he had to be sure he would never put his family through this kind of pain ever again.He worked in counseling and stayed focussed on God. He has now led several male co-workers to at least getting to church. We go to couple's bible study and he has been repentant and remorseful and is happier and more content than I have ever known him to be,before or after the marriage. He has said he was such a fool and struggles still with what he put us through. I can say now that I only have a little fear remaining(normal stuff,I guess)as he is a different man than he was before.I can say that everything is better than it was before the A. I never would have believed it was possible but it happened to us and I thank my Lord every day for the gift of the new H and marriage He has given me. <P>Dave, I don't think it is too late for you and your wife.I do think that it is long overdue for her to experience the natural consequences of her behavior and to experience exactly what it would be like "if" she was divorced. I know the fear and anxiety making the decision to do that brings,but I don't think that continuing along the same lines as you have been, for any longer, is helping you at all. If not for my own philosophy(kind of Dr. Dobson's too) on how to handle a WS, then for the same reasons AGG states.<BR>I'm praying for you, I really am.
