I have read many of your post and am very impressed with your advise and your work on your marriage.<BR>You said;<BR>"Our marriage is wonderful. We are very happy and content...we have passion, excitement, trust, honesty, great communication, disagreements, frustrations, hope for the future, and all the things that are part of a normal, healthy marriage. I would definitely say our marriage is better now that it was at the time of the affair,"<BR>Do you think this is possible even after a 15 year affair?<BR>We have been married for 33 years and this is his second affair. He says both were sexual no attachment. He is now remorseful. Not only for the affairs but all that he missed by not being fully present in our family. ( His way of coping with his double life) We looked like a great family. Did everything together including church. He was even a Sunday School teacher. We raised three wonderful kids. Have had great times and grear friends. Although for me now the memory of those great times is now tarnished by wondering how much of her presence was there. He says he rarely let the two lives mingle. His time with her was always on "business" trips. I had some suspicions about this business relationship but was basically told I was just being a parinoid wife. Never late nights, weekends etc. I'm rambling now. He says he finally had an awakening and realized he could no longer live the life he had been living. He is now in therapy as I am. We also go as a couple. All of these are Pastoral Counselors. <BR>He appears to be working hard on this marriage but I can not yet accept his "caring" All the couselors think it is possible and that we can do it. However, I would also like the opinion of someone who has been there. Even at this point I want to keep the family together. I want our grandchildren to have a "nana and papa" not a nana and a papa. Our "children" know and are also working on forgiveness they have been very supportive of both of us although we try to keep them out of the day to day struggle. They have their own issues to deal with. Others in our Church and community do not know. After the first affair we did share it with our friends and realized that it just complicated relationships. We do have a great couple that we have known since college days that knows and supports us and prays for us. Rambling again. <BR>Anyway, back to my basic question. Do you think it is possible to recover after such a long deception and that being the second? The first was brief and very early in our marriage. We probably didn't carried too much baggage around from that instead of using it as a wake up call.<BR>

From the depths of my heart I believe that absolutely anything is possible with Christ. I don't say that to be glib....I really believe it. No matter what has been done or for how long, I believe Christ can change the person so completely that it will never happen again. The key is that total brokenness and surrender to His will, not the human will.<P>I also believe Christ can give you the determination and ability to move beyond this and really love, forgive and even trust your husband. And, frankly I believe that would have to come from Him because we simply can't forgive and move beyond that kind of betrayal on our own. Yes, there will be consequences to bear, but I believe that you can overcome this and build a magnificent marriage. Yesterday is gone, what matters is today and tomorrow and the next day and the next.....<P>One of the scriptures that helped me greatly was Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." They key part of that verse isn't the "I can do" part...it is the "through Christ who strengthens me" part. Continue to surrender to Him and let Him show you how to do this. You're definitely on the right track with your councseling....I believe you can make it to the end of the journey.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

HGBrawner- Thanks for your reply and support. When I first found out I thought there was no hope. But as time has gone on my hope has increased. Sometimes it is sooo hard even though I know God can change lives I wonder if he has really changed my H or mine even since I have such trouble with forgiveness. Thanks again for the words of encouragement.

Forgiveness is going to take some time in this case....maybe longer than in most. We don't always teach the clearest story of forgiveness in the church....people erroneously think that it is instant and that forgetting goes along with it. I believe the choice or desire to forgive is the first step towards complete forgiveness. You may make that choice many, many times over the coming months, but that's okay. You won't ever forget either...but you will learn to live happily and productively. There will only be a scar where there is now a wound and the pain won't be there any more.<P>I like to think of it as taking things one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Take lots of deep breaths and just concentrate on getting through this particular moment. Tomorrow will take care of itself and you will begin to feel hope and normalcy again. In fact, I believe you will find a "new" normal to replace what you thought was normal before this crisis....something that is better than you dreamed it would ever be.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31