Is it because I'm the woman that I think about my H's affair after 19 months of recovery? Or, is it because I'm the betrayed spouse? <P>I think about my husband's affair every day. Sometimes it's just a brief thought, sometimes it's all day. We are doing great and lately I've been able to focus more on the GOOD things. The pain is MUCH more tolerable. <P>Yet, he thinks I think about it too much. That I'm not "moving on". I think I am moving on. I think that an affair in a marriage is much like a death of a loved one. It is something that will be with you forever. That doesn't mean I'm not moving on, does it? <P>It seems to me that the pain of a BS is worse than the pain/guilt of the WS. Is that just me? Or, you WS out there that are women, do you suffer more than your husband out of guilt and remorse? Is it because I'm a woman and we tend to FEEL more?? Don't know if I'm making any sense but I want try and help my husband understand that I'm NORMAL and HE'S normal - as far as our feelings go anyway. <P>Any thoughts?<BR>Brighterdays<BR>

Brighterdays-<BR>I don't really know. But I am a WS, and my H thinks I should move on. He thinks I dwell on the guilt, remorse, etc, and should put it behind us. I certaily live in a world of emotions that he is not so connected to. Some people, (men more often?), seem to be able to make an intellectual decision to be over something and just do it. For others it takes processing that seems to take longer. I don't know. I'd sure like to be "just over it."

Right there with you! My husband thinks it is time to move on. He said the time he was away is just a blur to him. I told him today that I still need help. He justs needs to deal with it and help me.

It really depends on the person's personality. Some people choose to dwell on things, others mourn it, and then move right on. Stereotypically, though, I'd have to say female BS's have the most difficulty moving on. JMHO.<BR>

Brighterdays -<BR>I too think about the Affair everyday and it was 20 months ago! He also thinks I should just "get over it" and move on. He SEEMS to have gotten over it long ago. I seemed to have been recovering quite well up until this January. Thats when the other woman started parking in my street - outside my place every working day. An unbelievable co-incidence - I'm positive she doesn't know I live here. She must have got a new job in my neighbourhood!. Problem is this has brought back all the bad memories and triggers and I spend my days trying to see her arrive or leave. I finally saw her reasonably close up the other day and this has only made things worse - she looks like a beautiful blonde barbie doll - I cant possible compete with this and its making me feel sooooo insecure. Its only a matter of time that they will inevitably bump into each other. What will this do for his recovery - or will temptation be too much for him. As you can probably tell I'm a nervous wreck over this. Zoloft does not seem to help at the moment. I just dont know if there's anything I can do about this situation.<BR>Sorry for rambling on - anyway I'm pretty sure the female B/S takes a lot longer to recover than the male WS.<BR>I keep reading that at 2 years things improve a lot and by 3 years most of the pain has gone - don't like to wish time away but I cant wait for that 3 year mark.<P>{{{hugs 2 u}}}

HI-you probably don't know me but I am an oldie here-came here in August 1999. I ahve been away to try and get over all this garbage but I came by tonight to see what was happening here. It always crushes me to see the hurt of all the newbies :-(<P>I wanted to answer your question in the way I see fit. I am the BS. My H admits to every ounce of his part in his affair. However he does say it is time to move on, get over it, forget it. But I am certain it is because him being the WS of course he doesn't care to dwell on any of it. If you and I had been the WS would we want to be reminded of it? Would we wnat it brought up time and again-hashed over? NOPE<P>I am not saying this is right-trust me I am not. It has been 22 months since discovery for me and I am still dealing with it on a daily basis. While much of the pain has diminished the reeling thoughts remain a constant reminder.<P>I have talked with the OW for the last 5 months. She was my best friend-or at least I thought she was. Even though she has admitted her guilt in the affair she doesn't seem to want to speak of her mistakes-but will mention the mistakes made by my H. As of last night I cut of contact with her as she and I seem to be going backwards.<P>I hope this helps you in some way. What I do is always try and be fair to both involved aprties of the affair and I aslo try to turn the tables and make it as though I were involved-what would I want? How would I act?<P>Best wishes <P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

I am still the BS with my H's A in full flight. How I wish I was in your situation. If all I could look forward to in a reconciliation is the pain of the A, then maybe it is not worth the trouble. I hope that I would be able forgive. Guess the forgetting is the hard part. Maybe the remberence can serve as lesson. <P>Guess we must embrace the moment. If it is good, then we must make it a part of our lives. <P>Love and prayers. God, it is hard to be rejected.

Well, from a WS's point of view...how would you like<BR>to be constantly reminded of your mistakes? How would it feel to be constantly condemned of something someone says<BR>they forgave you for? yet it was constantly brought back up?? much like when we ask God to forgive us, HE forgives..<BR>yet, we still get those little reminders from satan..remember when you did such and such??? satan does that to keep us down and to make us less effective for God..<BR>So your spouse accepted your forgiveness and is ready to move on..did they apologize for hurting you? and did you accept that apology? if so then you must accept it..and move on and don't dwell on the mistakes...if you do dwell on them<BR>they won't feel that you will ever trust them..would you want to live w/ someone who didn't trust you? who constantly reminded you of mistakes you've made?? trust me you wouldn't..but it will eventually push them away...<P>Maybe it's time to take a break from this board and concentrate more on the fact that your spouse is willing to<BR>work on the marriage..and actually spend time with them..<BR>that would be moving forward..I think I do much better moving forward when I don't come here as often..maybe if you<BR>took a break from here and come back in a few months and post on the progress thats been made..that would encourage any other new comers...this board has been wonderful for a season..and I've learned alot..about how I hurt my stbxh..<BR>and I've also learned that I can't change him..I can only change me..I can't take away his hurt..but I don't have to be constantly reminded of it either..he's hurt me in many ways as well...and he's never liked to be told about that..<BR>he can still dish it out really well...but he can't take it..he won't do anything to make the changes he needs to..but expects me to make all the changes..I've changed..<BR>and I feel for the better..so it's time to move on..<P>