Talk about confused. Now I am confused more than ever.<P>Yesterday my wife and I went to the marriage counselor. The C asked my W where she was at right now. My W told her that she is done, she is ready for divorce. She said she doesn't know who I am any more. She says that I obsess all day about an affair that never happened. She admits to making poor judgement and hiding the communications. She admits that in the early stages of the communications that it was flirtatious. She admits that she has been wrong, but she is emphatic that there is no A. <P>My W asked me if I thought all our problems were related to the A. I said yes. She told the C that she does not feel that it is right that she is blamed for something she didn't do. She told the C that ever since we started having the real problem that I obsess about the A all the time and react to those thoughts. I told the C that she was right. That it is all I think about anymore. I have become a person that I do not like at all. I constantly obsess about it and compulsively react before I think. I am somewhat paranoid that the reason she keeps denying everything is because she wants to "win" in the divorce. In many ways, I think I have become completely irrational. I told my W last night that if she is so emphatic about the relationship not being an A then I must believe her if there is any chance for us to proceed. But I will admit there are certain pieces that don't seem to fit properly. Could they be circumstantial and I am just being paranoid. <P>Most of our counseling over the few months has primarily focused on me obsessing with my wife. The C is now concerned that I may try to hurt myself in an effort to get my W's attention. I am now convinced that I am truly unstable. But those damn suspicions!! I can't get them out of my head.<P>Has anybody else convinced ever themselves that something is going on but it really isn't? I have found that reading the postings on this site and on infidelity.com tend to perpetuate my feelings. <P>Help!<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited March 28, 2001).]

If I recall you are the one whose wife was/is having an online something. I understand your suffering. I am having a similar problem. To the extent that today I walked in on my wifes chat conversation (normally 1-2 hours daily) took a look at the screen and it blew up. To the extent I wound up chatting with this man. It´s a horribly long story but the bottom line is that these situations get out of control and attacking the situation can make thing worse. In my situation , my wife has made it clear that she is not looking for sex or contact and he continiously is on her case saying its just a friendship and to solidify their friendship thay need to exchange photos and ..... She is taken in by their philosophical conversations on the meaning of love and friendship, they exchange poetry and eagerly await eachothers e-mail, emotionally attached. What surprised me is I discovered my wife is doing all this to be rebelous. The more I question her, the more she rebels. I too am at my wits end. What scares me most is that I am seeing a side of my wife that I did not know existed.

S & C,<BR>You can't make her tell you.<P>What you can do is assume what you believe may be true (worst case scenario) and decide what you would do. If she had an affair, would you want to save your marriage? If the answer is yes, then work towards that. A long time poster, TrustnTruth called it "Pre-disclosure Plan A". I'm not certain if her H ever did properly confess, but she is certain he did have the affair...and she Plan A'ed him without his confession. It took my H 8 months to confess his affair--that I strongly suspected for at least 5 of those months, especially after he moved out. Some WS can stay with denial a long, long time and tell and make the BS feel like they (the BS) is crazy.<P>But you simply can't pull truth by force out of someone's mouth. But you can choose your actions and the plan you will follow.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8