Last Night H and I sat down to "talk" about my letter to him and he basically said it's over and he wants to move on with things. Let's get this over. I told him why I stopped the divorce again and I love him etc. First thing he wants to know if mediation is still on? He made appt for next fri- I said NO, I am not going. Right now I don't want to talk about that. Anyway he goes on about lawyers and money and how his therpist help show him where he is right now and that he is some wonderful magical man that doesn't love his wife and it's time to get on with it. Well, His A with OW #1 is over "because he didn't want the kids to think she broke up the marriage" and he still has "some writing on the wall" (whatever that means) with her BUT he is NOW Seeing OW#2 and basically LIVING with her. He takes the kids there when he has them and spends weekends with my kids at her house. They don't show each other affection when kids are around and he "hasn't slept with her YET" He has the audacity to tell me "IT IS A GOOD FAMILY ENVIORNMENT' ha ha ha ha. I can not tell this man anything about what it means to be a father, family man or Christian because he ears are plugged with S89T! We continued talking and I sat calm, collected and even smiled at times because it was "funny" that he was telling me the "script" but I told him if I didn't laugh I would cry. Anyway, today is the day we tell the kids Daddy doesn't live here anymore and he doesn't want to be married to mommmy. Can't wait. 5pm deadline. With him or without him I will tell them. I will pack up his room and put his stuff in garaage. I told him he should have respect and knock on door to come to this house. He no longer lives here. I told him he has to file D papers against me and he gave me the you want to be vindictiove speech and drag this out for years. I told him that I have never done anything to hurt him. <P>He also told me that this waqs a very difficult decison for him to make and I told him it probably was difficult.<P>Anyway, I don't know to Plan A or Plan B. Part of me doesn't really care about him anymore but I know that he is not the same person he was 2 years ago. If he thinks he is so wonderful, loving moral, helping putting the kids first, he is a lunatic. I actually feel better after this talk because he said the word divorce and I sat in the kitchen and basically waited and watched him walk out the door. He did it but he didn't really want me to watch him go. Good night sweetheart.<P>I also said to him, It seems that you replaced OW#1 mighty quickly with #2. Something for you to thinkk about. I wonder if #1 knows about #2 and if #2 knows about #1. <P>He also said #2 and her family knew that we were D and in mediation so it was OK to DATE. I said "you are still a married man whether you like it or not" You are not setting a very good example for your children.<P>I could go on and on but you all know the crap they say.<P>those poor souls, Satan sure has a hold on them.<P>Any ideas of my next move?<P>Hopeleesmom

Hopelessmom,<P>So sorry to hear of your difficult time. (((((((HM))))))))).<BR>H and I are to get together this weekend to discuss D. I dread it. I'm so scared and in pain that the thought of getting together with him to discuss something that only one of us wants makes me sick to my stomach.<P>What is your next move......wish I knew but I guess it is mostly about picking up the pieces and moving on. Acceptance of the situation. So difficult to do when the last thing you want is to move on. I struggle with this daily. Also I hope and pray that he will come to his senses and stop it all. That is all I can do.<P>Hope you get some better advice from those who have been there done that.<P>Take Care.

Dear Hope,<P>Ok, you are about where I am right now. Breathe deep and pull your thoughts together. Here are my suggestions, mind you some of them may be more drastic that what you need but in my case this is what I did. <P>1. Change the locks. He called you vindictive. He needs<BR> to learn to respect what is now your home. <P>2. Check on your finances. Here in the grand state of no-<BR> fault whatever, debits as equally shared as assets. <BR> Make sure you are in a position not to accrue additional<BR> liability. Legal separation sometimes allows for this.<BR> <BR> Separate accounts and bills if possible. I created<BR> a spread sheet which records payments H made and what<BR> they were applied to. I already had spreadsheets to <BR> show monthly family expense payment sheet. <P> H tried to call me controlling at the mediation meeting<BR> regarding his finances but when I showed my spreadsheets,<BR> and he had no proof, his threats went up in smoke.<P>3. Check beneficiary status'. Make sure you are still where<BR> you need to be on insurance policies, wills, etc.<P>4. This is the time for very clear thinking. WS may get<BR> very irrational at this time. I told WS, if you want<BR> a divorce, go get it. WS needs to do the the paperwork.<BR> I also have followed along to make sure it gets done<BR> correctly. I took the walk to the family court and<BR> while he thinks he will be working on a divorce, I will<BR> be working on legal separation. Well see who finishes <BR> first. <P>5. Child support, day care, insurance for the children. <BR> Make sure you get according to what is due by the laws<BR> of your state, city or county. In our county and state, <BR> WS needs to provide all the day care + child support + <BR> up to half of the child's medical insurance. <P>6. Let all the appropriate persons know so that they can <BR> provide support for your and your children. I have <BR> posted some comments on the Divorcing/divorce site and<BR> there was a response from FATHER OF 1 HUSBAND OF 0 and <BR> he spoke about what the children may be going through. <BR> If you get achance read:<P> "5 steps of grieving - a quote taken from father of 1 <BR> husband of 0" He just posted his comments last night. <P>7. Check up on restraining orders. Be prepared on how <BR> call the police or excercise those orders if <BR> needed. Keep the paperwork handy. <P>8. Be prepared for the many mood swings now that WS will<BR> have to do some work. <P>9. Make sure agreements are in writing and discussed as <BR> calmly as possible. I have been accused of all kinds<BR> of things by WS over this. <P>I have to go to work, so I will post more later. <P>Take Care and hang out here with us. We will make it together. <BR>L.<BR>

Dear HM,<P>Please do consider doing all of the above that Orchid mentioned. I am a bit further along in this process since this happened 12 months ago and my H did return.<P>We went a little more drastic. The legal separation was drawn up immediately after he moved out. We severed all joint accounts, properties, assets... The family home was sold and my son and I moved to our own place. The terms of visitations were set up and H and I has minimal contact except for the pick up arrangements.<P>I know it is very hard to do all of the above when you feel that you still love your h and hopes that he will come back. But I can tell you that this is one way to clear the 'fog'. Nothing put things into a clear perspective when you actually have to maintain separate lives and he can't just come in whenever he wants.<P>Just my 2 cents worth, but HM, do believe that it gets better and easier. A little time on your own and pamper yourself do alot of good Sometimes things get too hectic and you lose sight of you. Take care.<P>Orchid,<P>Just want to tell you that my H also had a certain 'nice Chinese' friend, so I know where you are coming from.<P>EE

Orchid has some very good advice.<BR>Now how do you put that hug on here?<P>I think after your talk with the kids, it's time for a plan B. He made his choice, now give it time for things to get bad with OW#2. You need this time for yourself. Prove you can make it without him. Put all your energy into yourself and those little ones.<P>An idea for income. Housecleaning. I had done this once, I put an ad in the paper. I took my kids with me. It doesn't sound too appealing, but you know most of the people who hire someone to clean their house really already have spotless homes. It really is good money.<P>Another idea. How do you feel about babysitting? Not my cup of tea, but it is income without leaving your own kids.<P>I'm still praying for you.

Thank you for your words of advice. He just called to say he would be home at 4:45, was that OK. I said that is fine. He asks me"Are you OK?" I said I'm fine. How are you? He says, (low voice) I'm Ok. Poop on you you big terd.<P>Anyway, I had to bash a little. I have my own checking account but no $. He has paid for everything since I am stay at home. As far as legal seperation, how does that work as opposed to divorce. Who files, etc. I live in a "fault state" and he has no truthful grounds to divorce me, so we will have to have a legal seperation for a year. I'm thinking about aq new attorney. A more "cut throat" one because I think mine was a weenie.<P>Orchid, What are you asking for in your settlement. What is ?FAIR(nice word) <P>If he does not respect that I have asked him to come to front door , then I will change the locks. Maybe I will anyway.<P>As far a money, I could babysit my SIL 2 kids a couple days a month. I could probably tolerate now that I have a break every few days so H can take kids to girlfriends house. <P>Can't wait until 5 pm.<P>HOpelessmom

{{{{{{HM}}}}}}}<P>I just can't write hopelessmom because no one is hopeless, but I understand it's exactly how you're feeling at this moment. Soon you will feel invigerated and hopeful!<P>I'm so sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. I just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. You sound as though you're remaining strong in spite of it all and I'm sure it's the hardest thing you've ever done.<P>My heart sunk hearing all that you wrote concerning the talk! I hope he respects your privacy and is considerate of your feelings. <P>I also chuckled at your sense of humor! I love your "after thoughts"! Keep up that frame of mind, but allow yourself to fall apart if need be. Don't feel as though you always have to be strong. Take care of yourself and allow your family and friends to take care of you, too.<P>I'm so sorry for the pain you are in!<P>Free<P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL><p>[This message has been edited by Free2BMe (edited March 28, 2001).]

Dear Hope,<P>I wish you could change your name to Hope in mom. I like that better. (did that make you break a smile?)<P>How are you doing this morning? In answer to your question, the terms on the letter I gave H is at home so I will put them out to you this evening. I live in CA so I can not post until after 8pm PST. <P>My financial situation is taking a whirl. H is claiming I am stressing him out. Wow, he wants stress, he can have mine. I basically laid it on the line for him this morning that his financial obligations that he is not paying is approx equal to 1/2 my paycheck. All his bills (rent, credit cards, cell phone, personal expenses, loans, etc) amount to 30% more than his take home pay. I told him I can not continue to carry his bills. If I do, I need to move out of our home and into his moms and he will have the guilt, burden and responsibility of that decision. <P>He has an option to live with his mom but he thinks he is too good to live there. Really he isn't, he just thinks that way. Oh by the way, he also does not want to live with OW. Why? Hmm.... Maybe he can't live up to the fact that he really is not the money machine claim she said he was. Not sure, he won't give the reason. <P>Writing sure is therapuetic. I would have cried about this a few weeks ago, now I can write and still work. Guess this is part of the healing process. Now H is asking why I can't let him come home? And continue his A? I think not. I told him, he should be able to answer that question. He knows my terms. Coming back home to live with his family requires that he bring back value as a family member not just a liability or burden. If he can not be a contributing member and put the famiy's interest ahead of his own, then it will not work. I need to be firm with that. That is as much as I can give at this time. <P>This upset him and he said he could not continue the discussion. Oh another thing. This kind of conversations may make the WS 'irritable' and they think if they just don't talk about it, then it will go away. H has been hanging up on me. My patience is being tested, again.<P>We need to keep up our strength. Will check on you later. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Hi Wonderful Mom,<P> I am so sorry about the situation he has put you in.<P> Are you sure I can't hit him upside the head with a cast iron pan!?? Have you kept up on Sunhasset lately?? I always get the two of you confused, the story is so similar.<BR>Well her impossible situation, is again possible. I just feel bad for you young moms. Can I introduce you to my SIL? He is in your situation himself. He does have a job though.<BR>He also has three little, adorable, precious, baby boys.<BR>ages 5, 3, 1. They are really cute!!! My SIL is 6'2" dark hair, skinny, handsome, very loyal, spoiled my D, we called her diamond girl. Hard working (to hard 1 of the problems)<BR>Very picky (another of the problems) very personally clean,<BR>Is it working? He is 25. Did I get you hooked yet? My D is 4'11' so the 1 year old is tiny, like her. He is in the 20 percentile in size. He has been walking since he was about 9 months old. How adorable he is. He could use a mommy, his doesn't want much to do with them anymore. She left about Nov. and I don't know if she will ever go back. We are not close like we used to be.In fact we rarely speak. I miss my real daughter. We used to have fun together. We were closer than the rest of my children. She was a cuddlebug child.<P> I pray your family will get back together. I agree with Orchid. She has really gotton it together!!<P> Lots of Hugs and Prayers!!!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb