I just found your site this afternoon, never had a need for it before. But I really need to talk and would apreciate some advice/wisdom. I have been with my man for 4 years now, we live together, own a home together, etc.. so we are pretty involved. <P>Last night a group of friends, aquaintances and me and my boyfriend went to a club because a friend was guest bartending there. My boyfriend was hanging out on another floor dancing and a friend of ours was flirting with me all night. Eventually while we are alone (requesting a song)he kissed me, and I didn't stop him. I kissed him right back. And we kept on kissing..my boyfriend came up and saw us looking kind of cozy..I am not even sure he saw us kissing, but he saw us sitting together, alone in the dark. We all talked for a few minutes and then my boyfriend said he was going back down to dance. I was very drunk (not using that as an excuse) so I stayed upstairs where I could sit down, and kissed this guy some more. I should have gone down with my boyfriend, but I did't. <P>My boyfriend only said one thing to me on the ride home and it was that I was hanging on our friend at the bar. When we got home he went directly to bed dodn't say a word. He wouldn't even face my direction in bed. He got up this morning and did things around the house,never in my room though, and did not speak to me once. When I tried to talk to him at one point he said "We are not communicating right now..I don't want to talk to you,." He just left for work without a word..<P>I don't know what to do, I don't even know why I did it, I am not blaming the alcohol, there has to be some reason I wanted to kiss this man, I have never cheated on a boyfriend before..I guess I should just leave him alone for a while, let him deal with it and decide what he wants to do..Thing is, I don't even know what he saw..I want to tell him the whole truth, but since he won't talk to me, I don't even know what he saw and don't want to rehash what he may already know. <P>Thank you for listening to me..I am sick over this, I always try to "fix" things, and I think I am realizing now that I cannot fix this , I screwed up and it can never be taken back. I think counseling may be in order..I need to know why I did this in the first place..I think it has alot to do with his lack of affection for me and rarely hearing from him that I look good or that he loves me, but instead hearing that I could use implants or that I need to go to the gym more...we should have communicated more, I am sure there are things he is missing from me. Sorry for rambling..thank you for listening.. needed to get that out.

Okay, you made a stupid choice, now it's time to do some damage control. How bad do you want to stay together. It may take a very long while for him to get past this and trust you again.<P>First thing, complete, total honesty is vitally important. I suggest writing it to your boyfriend in letter form so you get it all out, and maybe he can get past the initial shock to talk (and probably scream) with you.<P>Next, make sure you write in this letter how important your boyfriend is to you--I can not stress this enough. Make sure he knows that you will do anything to be given a 2nd chance and to make this up to him.<P>Next, since alcohol was a contributing factor, maybe it would be best not to drink for awhile, and let him know about this decision.<P>Have you read through this site yet? Print out the Emotional Needs Questionairs and Love Busters Questionairs and do them together.<P>Then do everything in your power to always keep your word.<P>Good luck.

I agree with completely hurt. Your on a board that deals with so much infidelity, so much pain. You can tell by these discussions that honesty is lacking in all these relationships and it destroys them...and it is a hard road to repair them. My father told my mother that he could never promise to be faithful (in his heart--fall in love with someone else) - but that my mother would be the second to know-after him. So, this is honesty--knowing feelings are not right or wrong, but how you deal with them, and how you respect the other person. If you truly love your boyfriend and want to have a healthy relationship, there has to be honor & respect. Honesty is critical. Your already building a wall between you that will only thicken if you don't tell him. Once that wall is up things will just get worse. Not being honest, keeping something from someone is lying. If you are not honest to prevent losing your boyfriend, you are being selfish. Being selfish in a relationship doesn't work. You need to respect him enough by letting him make the choice of loving you for who you really are, not who he thinks you are.

I am seeing something very different here. Your boyfriend is disrespectful and borderline verbally abusive if he is constantly telling you that you "need implants" or anything of the sort. While I cannot condone cheating in any relationship, I don't necessarily think that you should grovel about it, either. You should seriously examine your relationship and see if you truly believe that he is capable of meeting your emotional needs... And make sure that you are capable of meeting his without losing yourself completely.<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Thank you all for your advice, it has helped alot. I am going to go ahead and write that letter and see if he can forgive me. But as Terri said about the disrespect, there are alot of problems with him putting me down, not saying I love you, etc.. and I think we really need to address that too. I think I have to write down what I need in that letter too and what I am missing...and see if he feels he can provide those things.<P>He actually looked at me today and we even talked for a bit..I told him I was staying in tonight with a girlfriend to watch movies, he said he is going out with a friend of his..he said he feels humiliated and when I asked what he wanted to do next he said he dosen't know yet, so I guess I just have to wait and see. Besides, I think he needs some time to distance himself from what he saw..and just does not want to deal with it just yet. But I think in the meantime the letter is a good idea..he has always bottled up his emotions and could go weeks without speaking..I need to let him know how I feel.<P>Rodger, thanks for your story..I have thought about this long and hard and I know now why I did it. My boyfriend and I have been friend with this man for about 6 months now, and he has always been very nice and complimentary to me. I have read through the site and realize that my emotional need for affection is not being met. My BF often makes me feel bad about myself and the other night I had an attentive, attractive man telling me that I am beautiful and that he has wanted to kiss me since the first time he saw me..and then he just kissed me..it was the romance of it all. I felt good about myself and I think I was flattered that he liked ME! I regret it now..but there is a reason that I didn't pull away and me and my BF need to talk about that.<P>Thanks again.

Hi DL26,<P>I am wondering how it is going because I relate a little to your story because my wife was in a similar situation. Since I cannot totally understand my wife maybe I can understand it from another lady's perspective. But if you are busy no problem.<P>Rodger