HI All,<BR>I have not posted in quite a while. Hi to all the newcomers, kisses to my longtime friends.<BR>Discovery was over 2 yrs ago. H and I are together, doing pretty good too! <BR>We had an issue come up yesterday that I find disturbing, and want to share. Shortly after d-day I was pretty devastated (little understatement?) and confided in a few people. One was an older relative that I love dearly. He has no children, and i am like a daughter to him. He is one tough bird-retired military, has seen it all, heavy drinker, and sweet as can be. H is on his way to europe and stopped in the city where this relative lives. They met for dinner, which also meant drinks. As the night progressed, the bar tab grew and the relative read my h the riot act for cheating on me. <BR>Granted h deserved a butt chewing, we all likely agree on that. Relative has no idea that my h was a serial cheater, or as some like to say a 'sex-addict'. I am not sure what held me back from telling the relative the whole sordid story, but he believes it was just the one woman-the last of the affairs. <BR>Now, 2+ yrs after the end of his cheating, we have this biting us in the butt again. H is very angry with me. H had no idea I had confided in this relative. He feels violated and labeled.<BR>Careful who you talk to and what you say! You just never know when it will be brought up again. Aloha, cl

I, too, told many people while my H was having an affair, at the time I thought he was gone for good (as he left to be with his new love). I regret that people know now because we are together and happier than I ever thought possible.<P>Don't be hard on yourself for talking - remember that we were a raw open wound then - unsure of what to do and how to handle this things that was handed to us (remember that ok). When a person is in that much pain it is hard to not talk about it especially with people we know well.<P>Your husband is probably embarrased by his behaviours but he needs to recognize that most people not affected by this action forget about. Your friend probably only remembered after sitting there reminscing and had too much to drink and brought it up.<P>Chin up - look forward - I told everyone at my work about it - I love that today 2 years later - because I still work with people who say "he wouldn't be back in my bed" ya da ya da.<P>Good luck and congrats on working things out.

Hi CL,<P>Glad to know you are doing well. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Your H needs to understand you really needed a support system. Plus to be honest your H really needs to understand that for every action thier are reactions. <P>I guess I am not being to sorry for people who cheat and expect to go unharmed. This is just my frame of mind today. Let your H cool down and just get back on the recovery train.<P>Take care of you.

cl...hi <P>My first reaction to reading this, and of course our old timer history makes me more than a little bit partial, was "the nerve of him".<P>Although this isn't exactly MB, I think I would have replied to your H's anger, "And this is my problem....how?"<P>I do hope you are doing well!

Hi All,<BR>e-mail this am suggests he might be calming down a bit. I hope just one person learned that talking it all out to relatives may not be such a good idea in the long run. Sure felt good at the time.<BR>Mrsaxxe, thanks for the support. At the time this was happening I was such a mess that people I am close to knew something was very wrong with me. How can you not tell them? I had lost weight thanks to the infidelity diet we all are too familar with, could not sleep, could not focus, could barely get to work, house was a mess, yard even worse, forgot to pay the bills, and on and on! It was pretty apparent that I was 'out of sorts'. I think I did not disclose the whole mess out of embarassment, but am not sure what my thoughts were at the time.<BR>I hope those you work with are supportive of your marriage-at least on the outside! It is great to read you are happier than ever! (((((hugs)))))<BR>HI Paha, thanks! Nice to see your name. Hope you are doing well. New job? You are absoultely right about reactions. You have a gift of seeing thru all the junk and simplifying things for me. Okay-I am moving forward. <BR>HI FHL, I laughed like crazy reading your post....'and the problem is'?????? He stated that I shared our personal issues outside the marriage-these are things that only a husband and wife should know about each other. <P>Uhhh, I think we have a poja issue on our hands here. What do you think? I mentioned he is overseas again, so communication is via e-mail and occ phone calls. Maybe I will just shelve this one for awhile and keep my thoughts on this board? <BR>Thank you all for the insights! I have missed you.

Cl<BR>Hi. I am a newer member to MB so I really don't know you and your story, however, I was interested in your comments about a serial cheater. <P>My H is now on his second A in less than a year, and is now living with her. We have been married 14 years in June and have 3 kids (5,3,2,). <P>I am interested in your story and the fog lifting because it seems that most people are dealing with one A and I don't know if a serial cheater has "more or different" problems than your one time cheater.<P>Any thoughts from you about fog lifting , your story and how your H snapped out of it came to be<P>I am always inspired by the stories I see about people who "have made it". I want to be one of them but right now, I am not too sure.<P>Hopelessmom

cl <P>Another nonMB come back would be: "H, if you had kept certain personal parts of your anatomy just between us, you know, parts only a H and wife should share, then my mere words wouldn't have come back to bite you!" <P>Really, cl, I can understand his embarrassment, but to make you the bad guy?<P>POJA is a good thing, and by all means use it. But don't take this on personally in your heart. OK?<P>[This message has been edited by FaithHopeLove (edited March 30, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by FaithHopeLove (edited March 30, 2001).]

cl<BR>Would you like to send this relative over to give my H a lecture? I sure would like to see someone stick up for me and tell H how wrong this was. <BR>Gosh I'm sorry my friend...I think they all deserve a buttkicking at least once.<BR>I'm sorry you H was upset but he did make the mess. If he didn't want anyone reprimanding him for hurting you he shouldn't have done it.<P>I have no idea who knows about this from H's family. No one does in mine. Honestly? The situation is very uncomfortable. I agree that we should be careful who we tell...but you needed support. Just tell H that you were as selective with the people you told as he was with the bimbos he slept with.<P>

Oh wassi, you're so right... and HI cl <P>One of the signs of emotional abuse is the abuser "not allowing" the other partner to tell the "secrets". I'm sorry, but I think that you did nothing wrong, and if he's embarrassed -- oh well.<P>I had to live with my sins, my ex had to live with his... yeah, it's embarrassing all the way around... but that's what happens when you play with fire.<P>As they say in the 12-step groups:<P>SECRETS AREN'T SAFE<BR>DENIAL IS NOT A RIVER IN EGYPT<P>But then, you know me, spew it all out and have to clean it up after!! <P>Hugs,<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

I agree with new_beginning. Tough sh*t. It's all part of their cleanup job after they happen to notice the tornado that went through their family. To expect everyone to calmly accept what they've done is borderline insanity.<P>"Oh, you've been screwing around. Gee, I hope you used protection. What's for dinner?"<P>Bama

CL,<BR>Hi, Sweetie! I'm always glad to see a post by you.<P>Ironic, isn't it that your H is angry with you for sharing some words with a sympathetic platonic relative, but yet...you have forgiven serial, numerous, hurtful, longtime cruelty, infidelity & lies...hmmm. <P>Sounds like his guilt isn't completely taken care of, or that he's working on some justification?<P>Don't want to make your hair stand on end.<P>Though he has rights to his feelings of anger, he should recognize that if his actions had been in the right, this "confiding" of yours would never have taken place. His anger should be targeted not at you, but himself.<P>I suggest a counseling follow-up, if he isn't currently seeing his counselor.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Hey, CL, good to hear from you again! I'm glad you started this post and let me know it was here just to bring old friends out of the woodwork. FHL's got me rolling in the floor (keepin' it in his pants definitely would have simplified matters, huh, FHL?) and Wassi, Honey, I've been lookin' for you. It's good to see a lot of the names here.<P>I only told my brother and his wife in my family - not to protect him, I just didn't want to deal with the well-meaning advice and the questions. I mean, EVERYONE knew he moved out, that was a no-brainer, but no one else in the family knew about PT. His entire family knew (since he took her there as his new partner in life - nah, nah, nahnah, nah!). I did tell two friends from work, but since the lived across the country, I didn't have to worry. I had you guys to vent to. Robert had a big "row" with someone he worked with and respected who read him the riot act once we got back together and he actually met me. He did, however, have the good sense not to put it on me no matter how he may have felt.<P>Not your fault, Honey. The basis of this POJA - Let's make a deal, you don't DO these things and I won't TELL anyone! Makes sense to me.<P>Lori

zipped pants = zipped mouth...how's that?

My H and I own a business and the OW is a former employee. All of our other employees therefore knew about A - most even before I did! We live in a small town and many people now know. I confided in my friends, most of whom live in the large metropolitan area we moved here from. His parents live nearby and we are raising his sister's teenaged kids so they also knew. I told none of my family except an Aunt who told no one else and who wrote my H a very sympathetic letter. <P>My H still blames me for "everyone" knowing. He did most of the informing through his actions, something he doesn't want to face. His own friends have all been horrified at the A and the one's who met OW didn't like her. I think the guilt is hard for him to deal with and I'm the convenient one to blame. He does this less now that we're in the rocky beginnings of recovery than he did while still committed wholeheartedly to the OW.

FHL,<P>Excellent!! <P>But in my case (where I was unfaithful too ), I guess you'd say it is...<P>Legs together, Lips together!

In my case my wife was Chinese. So I had to rely on several friends to be interpretors. Now after several weeks I am thunking this was a bad idea. Now that my previous close friends know about this, I am embarassed to face them or talk to them. THey now have a low opinion of my wife so I think what's the use of talking to thee friends now. So I decided it is probably better now to start with fresh friends.

Ok, NB, Honey, we'll adjust it for you - but just for you 'cause you're special! <P>How're you doing, btw? <P>That's a nice simple way of putting it, FHL!<P>Lori

Hi cl,<P>I feel certain that your husband will calm down and realize how selfish his anger is. He was obviously caught off-guard that this relative knew the truth, and is ashamed of the affair.<P>If you think it will help, tell him it COULD be worse! When my mom found out about my husband's affair, she lectured him DAILY (including bible verses) face-to-face for several weeks. It finally dwindled to a few times a week, and now it is only a few times a month. The lectures have been replaced with a few simple questions (Are you keeping the promises you have made to your wife and children? Have you talked to the OW or communicated with her in any way? Are you telling my daughter that you are sorry for hurting her?)<P>Ask your husband how he would like to face THAT! And my mom is our closest neighbor, so there is no escape. This had been going on for eight months now, and I really think it will continue as long as my mom is alive. She truly loves my husband, and found a way to forgive him relatively quickly. But she is one feisty little old lady, and has eyes like a hawk. She tells him regularly that she loves and forgives him, but is determined that he will not hurt me again.<P>I agree that in most cases the fewer the people that know the truth, the easier the recovery. But in the immediate aftershock of discovery, BS's need support and comfort. I told absolutely nobody and suffered alone. But when the OW's husband found out, he told my son and my mother, as well as some neighbors and his "friends". It has made this situation much harder to deal with. My mother actually had to be hospitalized from the shock of it.<P>As usual, I digress. I think the fact that your husband is so clearly ashamed of what he did is a good sign that he knows it was wrong, regrets it immensely, and wants to forget it ever happened. I wish it was easy to do that!<P>Peppermint

Quicky little to Lostva!!!!<P>I'm okay... I'm hangin', like my signature line says...<P>Keep up the prayers and good wishes!!<P>Love to you!!<P>*and glad you appreciated my little quip... I was worried because it could be taken two ways, ya know. <tee hee><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

cl...I never told anyone. I had a lot less to tell, anyway. But I think not telling was a "gift", not something that a spouse should expect. And if I had a relative like yours, somewhat removed from my day to day life, I might have spilled the beans, too.<P>It was a gift I gave him, a gift I gave his parents (which of course they don't know) and a gift I gave my children (so they don't have to deal with it).<P>I hope he simmers down.