Buffy, I read your post on the "Top 10". .<P>How does that happen so much? I don't know your story or where you & your H are right now, but I think that it speaks volumes of you that you can see that it had a lot to do with self esteem. . I know that not every A is about that, but I think alot of them are (no fire if I'm wrong here guys, k?). In my situation this is what I see. . he does not believe in himself, he isn't independent enough, he's done nothing on his own, for himself.<P>What does that say about how I made him feel? If he could see himself through my eyes, now, after all I've learned? I guess it's my job to show him. It's sad, it's sad for me (us here at MB), but it's also sad for alot of WS's out there too. . .I sometimes picture it to myself as "he's been kidnapped and placed into hiding. . I can hear him calling me, I'm running & running to the voice, but when I get close "they" move him. I just keep running. . . .can't give up.<BR>

bitsy - wow! that is a great description of what it feels like when you feel as though you have "reached" them and then they suddenly close themselves off and step back again.<P>And I will offer my explanation of why that happens: If they allow you to get too close, then they will have to let their guard down and all those bad feelings about themselves will bubble dangerously close to the surface... and they will have to acknowledge what it is they did to YOU. Most of them cannot deal with feeling those feelings - responsiblity and guilt.<P>It's so sad that they believe that by shutting us out, they will feel better - we know that they will never feel better until they take responsibility for their own actions.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Bitsy:<P>It's sad that capable, intelligent, good people often are unable to see themselves through other's eyes...or rather they see themselves as they think others would see them.<P>I had difficulty understanding this at first, but my son explained it to me one day when he said "Mom, you don't meed words to tell me anything...because of the way you are..I know what you think..how you feel." So expectations of others' disapproval or approval can determine how other feel about themselves. <P>I don't look to others for approval..and it's hard for me to understand people who do...and that's my failing..because I had a husband who finds his affirmation from others. Smart, attractive, out-going, capable...but needing to hear that he was so from others...because he didn't believe in himself. And as life ate away at what little self-esteem he had he found it harder and harder to find the reaffirmation he needed in his ordinary life. So he went looking for someone who was willing to give him that affirmation at any cost. And as he sinks lower and lower in his own estimation, it is harder and harder to find what he needs from anyone.<P>No, I don't think this is the problem with most marriages but I do think some WS have problems with self-esteem. But affairs don't solve the problem, they just make it worse.<P>But as my experience today demonstrates (See "This is one for the book...") this need is additive and they will do anything to attain it...even hurt someone they love.<P>I can only hope to some day convince my WS that what he thinks he's sees through my eyes is not truly what I see when I look at him. What I do see makes me very sad...for I've lost the man who use to be...and he doesn't realize what he's lost.<P><BR>Faye<P><BR>

Terri:<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><P>And I will offer my explanation of why that happens: If they allow you to get too close, then they will have to let their guard down and all those bad feelings about themselves will bubble dangerously close to the surface... and they will have to acknowledge what it is they did to YOU. Most of them cannot deal with feeling those feelings - responsiblity and guilt.<P>It's so sad that they believe that by shutting us out, they will feel better - we know that they will never feel better until they take responsibility for their own actions.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>WOW, I keep coming back here for answers and someone keeps answering my prayers. I was having such a hard time explaining to myself why when things had been going so well he would act like he did today. I couldn't believe that someone who's been such a good considerate man all his life could act this way. You reaffirm my believe in his goodness..even if it is not evident right now. Thank you.<P><BR>Faye <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited March 30, 2001).]