OW is now out of the picture, but. . .he told me he's got mixed feelings again. He loves me, he worries about me, he cares about me, but he's got mixed feelings. . yea, tell me about it. He is just all over the place. One minute he's telling me how much he loves me, calling me all the time (he tried to call me 3 times in his 5 1/2 hour trip home last Sunday), making references to me moving to VA with him. . then the next minute he's saying he guesses he needs more time to figure himself out. He needs to become more independent.<P>He says that I'm just going along like the stuff with OW never happened, he says that he made his bed when he got involved with her & now he has to lie in it. . means to me that he wants me to be angry w/him about it?? Geez, does he want me to go away?? Does he want me to stop loving him?<P>I just say, that the stuff with OW is something we will probably discuss someday, just haven't felt it was the right time yet. . I said, I'm not dwelling on it, that no matter what happens in 10 years I didn't think that it would matter to me. I told him that he needs to be sure & I don't want anything less. I said, we can be whatever you want right now, you let me know when you want it to change.<P>Makes me wonder what the he(% I am doing sometimes, makes me feel like I'm just not good enough to be "the one". It makes me angry, it hurts me, makes me want to say I've had enough, when you figure yourself out you call me. Now I know he's hurting too, I know he's struggling with alot of things & I know it's not easy for him either, but. . .I just wish sometimes that somebody in this world felt the same way about me that I feel about him.

bitsy, It's such a roller coaster. My H moved back home for almost 3 weeks, then left on an errand 2 nights ago and never came home. At one point I reached his car phone, he said he was on his way home and then forgot to hang up. I got an earful of him and OW together. He is the love of her life but he's hurt her by moving back in with me, he needs to tell me that she is the woman he loves. He still loves her, begged her not to leave him, he can't leave me because of the business we own together and he feels too old to start over, etc.<P>When he's with me, it seems like we are getting closer all the time, but the day before he that night, he told me he was still having feelings for OW, something he hadn't said in a while, in fact he'd said he was starting to realize it wasn't really about love but about the feeling that he was dying in side and seeking a safe haven.<P>They think because we appear to be carrying on without them, we don't really care enough about them. If we did we'd be angry, distraught, something.<P>Yesterday he came home full of remorse, begging me to take him back, admitting I'd done nothing wrong, there is nothing OW is providing for him that I can't. But, he still felt the need to go back to her, why? <P>I have similar thoughts to you. [WARNING: here comes some OW bashing] I told him yesterday that I'd really like to find a man who appreciated me for who I am and didn't have a hard time choosing between me and a fat, ugly, ignorant, immature, immoral, friendless, white trash b****. I love him despite his flaws, and he is enough for me, but I'm obviously not enough for him, even though I think he wishes that I was.

Ladies:<P>Do you think that what you are seeing in your WSs is just "playing out their hand"....in other words, they think "Well, I've done the worst I can do to her and she's still here, maybe I'll just have a little fun." I see this as a backlash to MB principles....for some WSs. So like wife batterers they keep coming back and making up only to leave again when things with OW get pressing.<P>My WS use to say that I ought to consider his being with OW as similar to a fisherman who is gone for long periods of time....with the dutiful wife at home waiting patiently. It's nothing in his case but self-indulgence because he knows he can...partly because I'm trapped in a common business with him....and partly because of who I am. <P>Threaten them with the real loss of you (plan B?) and I wonder what would happen. I know my WS gets totally unglued with any idea that I might have some kind of life while he's not around.<P>So in my case, I let him lead his own life and let him know I will lead mine....as long as he continues in his ways. Unfortunately this leads to occasions in which he forces the issue to get a rise out of me....to see if I still care. It is very important therefore that I hold the line....I care, but I don't approve of his lifestyle...I have my own life to live, regardless of what he is doing....and my life comes first...he's forced me to make that decision. Tough Love...yes, but with willingness to still be there if the time is right...for now.<P><BR>Faye<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by buffy:<BR><B>Ladies:<P><BR>My WS use to say that I ought to consider his being with OW as similar to a fisherman who is gone for long periods of time....with the dutiful wife at home waiting patiently. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So what is the OW, the fish/mermaids? I thought mermaids were only in story books. When sailors used to report sightings of mermaids they actually turned out to be manatees (like seals only uglier). <P>I used the fisherman logic on WS but it was that he was the fish and OW was the 'fisherwoman'. OW had the hook in his mouth, would give him slack (send him home in a heroic effort try and fix his family, then call him the next day), then when she wanted his body back in her bed, she reeled him in with a demand that he return to her. <P>Do fishermen have sex with their catch (fish)? Sounds a bit perverted. <P>Guess what? WS thinks fishing is a cruel sport. I think A's are a cruel sport. Think we're even?<P>L.<P><BR>

Buffy,<P> What a relief, I found someone with similar thoughts as mine. I don't totaly agree with the MB principals myself.<BR>I am not the dutiful little wife forever. I do have pride and if he wants to go away, let him. I have told my H many times, if he wants her go for it! I got tired of being such a sucker!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Orchid:<P>I think the analogy had nothing to do with actually fishing....I had a little trouble with that too...imagine comparing his having an affair with going on an extended fishing trip. No....I think in his perverted mind he was trying to say that "he would be back" (lucky me!!!!) and that is what he did...and would have continued to do...pop in and out of my life...if I had not said "enough is enough" and not to come back until he got filled to the gill with "fishing."<P>Faye<P>

Hi bnbsdbG:<P>Don't misunderstand me. I think MB principles are wonderful and I advocate their use whenever possible. I just feel like some WS are not absent from their marriages because of the marriage itself but because of their own needs....needs no one person can supply....but themselves.<P>So if you think that your WS's A is a one-time aberation and after he is recovered from the "fog" he will revert to "Mr. Niceguy" again, then Plan A with all your might. Mine's not...he didn't learn from the first time so, like they say, he's doomed to repeat his mistakes again. He's also got "middle age crazies" problems too.<P>I've known this man a long time (25 years) and he's always been this way....he will get involved in something to extremes...for a while...then let it alone or never pick it up again....either way, its not my problem.<P><BR>Faye<BR>

Dear Bitsy,<BR>Last weekend when you and Jim were together, it was just like when I first meet you. You seemed very comfortable together, and to tell you the truth, it was a nice change. A little bit of a relief. He seemed to truly be enjoying it as well. Maybe after the talk about "analyzing" and his week back in VA, he had time to realize things were moving too fast for him. If your going to work it out for good, he wants to do it right. You know he has had alot of time to think about this now. It's natural for him to be scared. Well, you know I am here for you if you need me. Love you,B