Hi, all,<P>What would you do if...<P>1. WS is vicious...<BR>2. Ws is projecting all onto BS<BR>3. Ws is defying any requests by BS to not discuss <BR> money with our children.<BR>4. Ws is determined not to even pay for his children.<BR>5. Ws appears to be in overkill: saying the meanest comments in the meanest way...A strategy to get a "RISE" out of me.<BR>6. Ws is convinced that I am the fault for foreclosure but yet he is the one who defied a court order child support judgement.<BR>7. Ws is on the spiral path of destruction...alcohol, greed for money, lust.<BR>8. Ws forged my signature to two Fed/inc tax forms, one Fed income tax check, one state form, and one state check.<BR> He used all the money for himself and his situation.<P>If your goal (AS IS MINE) is to stand for my marriage, would you just sit on it all, and if a d. filing comes, would you still Plan A-ish it.<P>Would you send him a copy of the marriage license and pictures of the family? <BR>Would you remind him of all the good times in our marriage?<BR>Would you do all you could to see and talk to WS--no matter how ugly he might become and no matter how determined he might be to show he does not intend to end the affair and <BR>no matter how vicious are his verbal attacks?<P>Or would you just say "Good Riddance" and hope for the crash and the death of the affair...That is, also, hoping that the affair dies before he might file...<P>And if a d. comes, would you just say, I did all I could...<P>Would you get a PI and use adultery?<P>Wou<P>Just curious what you would do...<P>elo<BR>

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Elo,<P> D his butt. He would be going wayyyy over the line. mine went to far already. I had a lot of the above, but children are grown up now. It is tough enough without the stealing the childrens means of living.<P>------------------<BR>Deb

<P> Just do it calmly and without being nasty and vicious. Leave that job to them!!!!! <P> Keep your dignity as best you can.<P> Lots of Hugs and Prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Call the IRS and report fraud with him signing your name. I had a similar situation with my 1st H. While separated we filed jointly (more $$$ back) and we were going to split the check. My mother loaned me the money for my half. Well, time came and went, I later found out he got the check and signed my name. I never got my half. I never turned him in, but boy do I regret it. It turns out for the next 2 years he still claimed me and our kids. He did get caught but it was not me who turned him in--I did not know at the time. How I found out was that I still have not recieved any of his taxes for child support because he still owes the gov. <P>Off subject a little, but he owes more than $8,000 in back child support and they will not do anything with him. Their response is 'you won't get anything if he is in jail'. BTW he does not have to pay an unGodly high amount as some do, just $44 a week for 2 kids. (Sorry for the rant).<P>Anyway I do regret not turning him in for forging my name.

You won't get anything if he is in jail but the District Attorney sure can garnish his wages so you get what the courts ordered.

I am agreeing with the posts already up.<BR>You can't let him do this sh**.<BR>You have to think about these kids, the money issues...<BR>You sound like you are in Hell. You need to do something immediately. If he is vicious, abusive, taking all the money...you need to get out. Protect yourself and your kids...Sounds like your in a different playing field than many of us. If it was me--I would file so fast and get me and my children away from that environment.

ELO, I can’t think of a single instance in my 2 ½ years on this site that I encouraged someone to move away from their goal of saving their marriage. I’ve suggested people let go, I’ve suggested Plan B many times to give both parties time, I’ve suggested going out and dating and confronting fears, but this will be the first time I’ve encouraged someone to take legal action.<P>You probably won’t like this note but I feel compelled to write it and state my viewpoint directly. I don’t think the unanimity in advice you’re getting is an accident. I’m not sure you’ll find anyone willing to recommend Plan A under these circumstances.<P>When I ready your posts, I see myself back in the fall of ’98. I couldn’t believe this was happening, it couldn’t possibly continue this way, he’ll snap out of it IF ONLY I could find the right way to communicate with him, and that deep down my husband is a good guy and will do the right things. Maybe yes, maybe no. The point I want to make to you is this – what he MIGHT DO, who you think he REALLY IS, and whether he’ll SNAP OUT OF IT, is irrelevant and speculative. What you have to deal with is what he IS DOING. And you need to protect yourself and your family from what he is doing. It’s entirely possible that it will take years before he changes, or it might not happen at all. I’ve been watching for three years now. Whether it happens or not is entirely out of your control.<P>The path is clear but not easy. Each of us coming from a long-term marriage and witnessing this kind of metamorphosis in our spouse has been in a devastated form of denial in the early months. From the outside, figuring out what to do is very obvious. But from the inside, and being the one that has to do it, is extremely hard. The reason it’s hard is because it feels like you’re letting go of hope, letting go of the marriage. You might be. But the truth is, you can’t control whether he’ll come back to the marriage or not. It’s really depends on your husband, his character and values, the OW, the intensity and duration of their relationship, and a host of other things that you can’t influence. Since it has so little to do with you, you can’t fix it. Easy for me to say, hard to accept. I spent two years in Plan A and literally did fix myself. It was even recognized by my husband. It didn’t matter because his departure wasn’t about me, even though he placed all the blame on me (and continues to do so). He’s still acting like a victim today and cannot see any role that he might have played. This, despite the fact that he had an affair with a subordinate while I was pregnant, and left me right after I had given birth. He chooses not to look inward and as long as he does that, there is no basis for hope.<P>The book I think you should read is Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. I cannot imagine doing Plan A under these circumstances and think it would be a big mistake. Plan B along with protective legal action is feasible if you want to give him time to work through this. Essentially, you need to let him go to live his life by his own choices, and also deal with the natural consequences of those choices. After investigating alternatives with your attorney, if the only legal action you can take that provides adequate protection turns out to be divorce, then you should do it. It pains me to write that at this site, but in some cases divorce really is the best thing.<P>There is never a need for vindictiveness and I personally couldn’t live with doing things deliberately to hurt my husband (or anyone else). But motive is important in these situations. You do need to take appropriate action to protect yourself and your children. Any hurt or anger that your husband feels occuring from your self-protection, he will have brought upon himself. You cannot sacrifice your own life and your children’s in order to protect him from the consequences of his own behavior.<P>Best of luck. The people on this site are great and can help you through the worst of it.<BR>

Hello, hanora, bnbsdbG, very hurt, mthrrhbard, crete,<BR> and distressed.<P>I have been looking forward to coming home and read any replys you all sent me.<P>As I read through them, I am impressed and touched as your honesty and your sensitivity. <P>Yes, I am a very very serious quandry, to say the least.<P>What the bottom line for me is that no matter what he has done, he can still get the divorce if he wants it and, unless my attorney can use all I have about my husband's lifestyle and behaviors, he could receive joint custody and see them and act like nothing ever went wrong.<P>My children, ages 16 (boy), 13 (girl), and 11(girl), are devastated and so confused and sad. He is a NEGATIVE ROLE MODEL FOR THEM. He has no shame. This breaks my hearts and theirs and makes me so angry that he can do all of this and no be punished in a divorce court.<P>The child support judgement is hurting him now, and it will be worse if he files. I don't think I would be entitled to any spousal support. <P>If he files, I will ask for sole custody. He will ask for joint custody. If we show the alcohol abuse (dwi arrests), accident that he and op were in (both drunk) and the irrational behavior toward our children (not seeing the girls and seeing our son a little), then, I believe that sole custody is a possibility. <P>The forgery I have to pursue in Federal and State court. Bit step to take; have had advice from some people that my pressing these charges against him could damage our childrenl; yet, on the other hand, he doesn't think I would do it. BIG, BIG, BIG DECISION AS TO WHAT I WILL DO WITH INFORMATION. <P>very hurt: I am glad to have your feedback on this one, becuase it gives me food for thought. Such a tough decision.<P> I do appreciate your suggestions because that is what I asked for. I am keeping all my options open. For now, as horrible as it is, I will let him be the one to file and it will be blood on his hands.<P>It just so happened that I went to see a bankruptcy attorney today; I do plan to file and clear myself of my unsecured debts (charge accts.) and the secured debts (the two mortgages).<P>Of course, I am second thinking myself--wondering if this is the right thing to do. Then, when I arrive home, there a letter in the mail from a local furniture company--SENT TO H AT OUR DOMICILE ADDRESS. So, isn't that interesting--the bills and the correspondence still come to him at this address. He doesn't even give them his "adulterous address"!<P>The letter stated that: please contact us about a very time sensitive issue in regards to a purchase that he recently tried to finance. This is one of the accounts that is in his name only and there is a balance on it of $800. I have not paid it and neither has he.<P>Furthermore, I will not be discharging this debt in my bankruptcy. So, now, I know that he will not hesitate to continue to run up more and more debt THAT HE AND I BOTH KNOW HE CANNOT AFFORD. <P>I know for a fact that this is the first time he has tried to use this account since he left ONE YEAR AGO TODAY! And<BR>now he won't be able to buy anything because of the outstanding balance. <P>He has been living in his "play house" for a year and now it looks like he is going to try to start furnishing it.<P>Thank goodness my name is not on this account. In fact, I tried to close it when I closed the ones that HAD both of our names on them. They would not let me close this one.!!<P>I will be clear by mid June if I file a bankruptcy now. SAdly to say, I could also be divorced before then if he is intent on destroying all of us in his path of destruction.<P>If he files, and the settlements don't phase him, and he thinks all will be ok for him, this only proves, underscores, emphasizes, highlights to me the density of the fog and the height of the passion. <P>Will the op support him then? How long will she see him as her "KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR"? Of course, all of you out there who know how much a BS wants to reconcile their marriage, you know that I want this Knight to be gored by the financial and child issues in a possible d. action and then fall off the horse--and then the op will run for her life... How foolish for me to dream...right...well...what can I say. One year later, I still cry... because me and my children miss him.<P>Yes, Distressed, you are so right. In light of all of the devastating social, emotional, financial, spiritual, and mental consequences, he can't see what he is doing. And in light of all of what he has done, and I file, it is like a am finally letting go of hope and of my marriage.<P>I have a long way to go... and I have a lot to ponder...for the future for my children and myself...<P>Wonder what H is pondering...my worst nightmare, I am afraid.<P>Thanks to all of you. I got some replys some new members on this one and I am appreciative of all the replys. I printed them out and I read them over and over.<P>I'll try to keep abreast of your situations and keep you in my prayers.<BR>elo<P>